January 16, 2019

So What The Hell, Wonderduck?

I don't know if that's been thought by any of readers but were the circumstances reversed, I know I would be.  I'll be honest: it's painfully embarrassing.

You may remember that I was taken to the hospital on New Year's Eve after not being able to remove myself from my bed for over a day.  What you don't know is that a week later, it happened again.  I thought my damaged leg was feeling better and decided to actually sleep in a bed.  Bad idea.  Once again, I called 911, once again the CVFD EMTs came out... except this time they were accompanied by the Fire Chief.  He read me the riot act, then said that he'd be contacting the apartment complex and "other agencies."  See, they believed my apartment to be a fire hazard... probably because of the piles of amazon boxes blocking the entry hallway, dining room and the front half of the living room.  

Yeah.  Remember back when I was fired from the Duck U Bookstore?  Around about that time I began to lean more and more on Amazon for just about everything but food... Prime Pantry was a thing at the time, but it wasn't much of one.  For a while I managed to keep the boxes under control, and then the winter came, your truly became a recluse, and snow and cold conspired to keep me that way.  Then came the depression, after which very little of anything got accomplished.  And the boxes kept a'comin'.  I got a job, and I continued to not take boxes to the dumpster... not laziness, but simply because I physically couldn't.

See, I'm kinda overweight.  That TLC show My 600 Pound Life doesn't have me on speed dial or anything, but I'm a lot closer to that than I am to 250 lbs.  And the boxes kept coming... more slowly now that I could have many of them sent to my work address, but still they came.  And I was either too stupid or too prideful to ask for help.

And then last thurday I get an e-mail from the complex manager: she and "other agencies" would be entering my apartment on Friday.  I asked her to keep me informed, and left it at that... I had a job to do.  The appointed time came and went, and around 3pm I took my lunchbreak and checked e-mail.

The very first one was from the County Health Department, informing me that my apartment was condemned as being unfit for human life in the condition it was currently in.  The second was from the Apartment Complex manager, asking me to contact her ASAP.  She had tried to prevent my place from being condemned, but failed... government workers don't exactly have a lot of leeway in their rules, after all.  To be allowed to live in my own place again, all of the boxes had to be gone.  She then gave me the number of one of her employees at the complex, someone who'd be able to help.  I quickly called him, we agreed to meet at 11am Saturday, and we'd get to work.  Along the way, I also touched base with the people from the County, then had a talk with my supervisor. "Take as much time as you need, Wonderduck."  So then I left and ran back to Pond Central to grab some clothes and find a hotel.

Saturday rolled around, and the guy I hired showed up.  We'll call him Beast, because what I expected to take four or five hours and maybe two days... took 2.5 hours.  He had the easy job, though... I had to clean the kitchen sink.  I'm pretty sure I killed off an emerging intelligent lifeform.

Monday rolled around.  The powers that be congregated in my apartment, were pleased with the results, and took down the sign saying "CONDEMNED.  THE PERSON WHO LIVES HERE IS A SLOB."  And then said that I'm really just on probation... there will be irregular (but scheduled) visits to make sure progress is progressing.  

There's a few other things I'm leaving out, but suffice to say that when you combine them all... well, I can't imagine being more humiliated than I am.  Oh, and depressed.  Whee.

So that's it, that's the story.  Cool, huh?

Posted by: Wonderduck at 09:47 PM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
Post contains 720 words, total size 4 kb.

1 I guess setting the damn things on fire in situ was not an option you were given?

Posted by: Pixy Misa at January 17, 2019 05:08 AM (2yngH)

2 Yikes. Well, your domicile has been given a reboot of sorts. Hooray for getting assistance and support from key people in the process. Hell of an experience though.

May things only improve from here!

Posted by: GreyDuck at January 17, 2019 08:37 AM (rKFiU)

3 Oh gads. The precipitating factor to get me to pull the trigger on buying a small house (I had to get a loan from a family member, and deplete all my savings) was a warning from the apartment complex manager that I, and I quote, "Owned too many books and they presented a fire hazard." At that time I had three, seven-foot-tall bookcases, filled. Two smaller bookcases in my bedroom, filled. Some books on a shelf in my closet (If they didn't intend for the shelf to be used, why did they install it?). One (1) book out on my nightstand. Zero (0) books on the floor.
The manager oh-so-helpfully offered to rent me a storage unit....which they just happened to manage as well.

I said no thanks. They said fine, but they'd keep coming back to check on my place. I moved out that fall.

They lost a quiet resident who never complained and who paid on time. I've never looked back. I probably own close to twice as many books now.

But yes, I can 100% sympathize on how humiliating it feels to "get in trouble with management"

Posted by: fillyjonk at January 17, 2019 03:12 PM (o5UlT)

4 I want "owned too many books" on my tombstone.

On the Amazon front, every once in a while I have to declare a "box week", in which my recycling bin will contain nothing but broken-down cardboard. This disappoints the people who search the bins at 4am for cans and bottles, but I make sure to leave them a neatly-bagged collection the following week.


Posted by: J Greely at January 17, 2019 06:56 PM (LGSd2)

5 As long as it was only boxes you lost, sounds like a good thing.

Friend of mine in Canada had a similar problem with a fire marshall, only the stuff they wanted him to get rid of were rare fanzines from the 1930's on.

Posted by: Mauser at January 17, 2019 08:59 PM (Ix1l6)

6 Well, I'm glad it's nothing more serious. BTW, I don't remember if I mentioned that, but I started sleeping on the floor recently. It's much better for my back than any bed.

Posted by: Pete at January 18, 2019 04:54 PM (LZ7Bg)

7 God bless, amigo.  Glad to hear you've gotten good with TPTB.  Your fans are in need of your wit and wisdom.

Posted by: The Old Man at January 18, 2019 08:28 PM (duGaw)

8 BTW - so are your non-fans.....

Posted by: The Old Man at January 18, 2019 08:29 PM (duGaw)

9 The Old Man! Long time no see! I've sent a few emails your way but the last few bounced back. Hope you've been well!

Posted by: Ben at January 18, 2019 08:56 PM (4TRZx)

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