January 30, 2022
Hospital pt3 - So Sick I Felt Fine
Sleep, when it finally did come,was not of the highest quality. But it DID eventually happen between nurse incursions. Blood pressure was watched carefully overnight... I vaguely remember telling them to just leave the cuff on my arm, it'd save time. If I did tell them that, they didn't take my advice. They finally did get the stereo equipment plugged in, but it was much improved from when I had the monitoring stuff back in 2005. Still had enough cabling to control an Aegis cruiser's coffeemaker from the 12 sticky pads stuck to my chest, but the box they ran to was smaller and lighter. Still too heavy to put in the hospital gown's pocket though... my lovely frock was quickly disheveled, pulled into a plunging V-neck that'd be illegal in 17 states and Switzerland. However, instead of a big cable running from that to the wall, it had wifi. Of course. Everything has wifi anymore. Somewhere around 3am I could take no more and slept the sleep of the innocent.
Two hours later I was awakened by a frantic electrical *beep*ing, quickly followed by a fast-moving nurse. Turns out three of the leads on my chest had worked themselves free of their pads, and the machine interpreted that as signs of imminent death. Reassured that I was not, in fact, shuffling off this particular mortal coil, the nurse decided to remove the old pads and hook up a wah-wah pedal, too. How could anybody had known just how the adhesive on the pads would react to the feathers on my chest? All the skin on the front of my body came off with the yanking of the pads.
Business began to pick up at 7am. Shift change occurred, a nurse held the bucket for me, blood was taken, medications hung, and breakfast served. Break Fast literally in my case. Pancakes, sausage, thick gooey oatmeal? Heh. I like that version of life. A thin gruel that seemed to have been genetically related to Cream o' Wheet, a half-slice of wheat toast with a tiny amount of butter, and a glass of water. I couldn't finish it.
9am brought the conversation I had wanted: doctor time! Or, more correctly doctors, plural. The first talked with me about the blood clot. It was fairly large, but they believed it'd respond well to the blood thinners. Surgery was theoretically possible, but very unlikely. Everything would have to go horribly wrong for it to be a thing. Deep deep inside me, a little voice started to chant "you're gonna need it, you're gonna need it." Thats when it was the other doctor's turn. He introduced himself, and I realized the other doctor had pulled a Batman and completely disappeared. The doc explained that not only did the Donut and the Ultrasound fund the bloodclot, it found a kidneystone, too. Hooray!
In a day or two they were going to take me in for a Procedure. They'd run a probe up my Lil' Wonderduckie and to my right kidney where they'd stick a stent up there to encourage the stone to go a-wanderin'. Then they'd install a catheter too. I suspect my cringe could be felt in Chicago... everything I've ever heard about catheters made it perfectly clear I never wanted one, ever. But wait, there's more! Remember that nurse who asked about the urine's smell? They apparently used it for a testing sample. I had an infection, and not a small one, either. With that, a whole bunch of puzzle pieces fell into place. I had a whole series of symptoms for years... I've even written about them here occasionally... but never all at the same time. For an idiot like me, they didn't particularly cause any red flags to fly. The worst was a sudden back or neck pain, followed by bad chills. It would only last for a few hours, then disappear like nothing had happened.
But most of the time, I felt fine. I didn't even have a hint of the kidneystone. The antibiotic would flow immediately... but not before the vampires came by again. But after that... well, in fact, something else had to take place first. Something very, very important.
I needed to void solids. And then, proving to me that nurses are very odd, the nurse was pleased. She left the room for a minute. Upon her return, she held out the other thing I didn't ever want to see. In fact, it was presented with a flourish worthy of any courtier in a fantasy castle.
A bedpan.
Oh, crap...
Next Time: More Zombies.
Also Next Time: Hospital pt4: I Only THOUGHT I Was Embarrassed Before.
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January 25, 2022
Hospital pt2: Like A Cloud, Only With Squeezy Boots.
As the gurney was rolled through a maze of hallways... I could have sworn one of my steering units was dropping popcorn behind him... I couldn't help but notice that the ceiling was entirely different from what it had been when we had visited the land of the Angry Growling Doughnut. Turns out we were headed into the hospital's New Wing... you could hear the capital letters thudding into place... which surprised me. See, back in the day the Duck U Bookstore sold the books for this hospital's college of nursing so I had spent a lot of time there, and to be honest I had no idea where'd they'd PUT a NewWing. As it turned out, I was both right and wrong; there wasn't room for new construction. So they made room... RIP college of nursing and some other stuff. And so, I got to notice a new ceiling. And yes, I did spend a minute of your life telling you an over-detailed story to explain a different shape of ceiling tile.
I'M BACK, PONDSCUMMERS! Did ya miss me?
Eventually the steering units... it was a powered gurney, even had cute little brake handles and everything. The medical folk involved just leaned on the thing to make it go one way or the other. Anyway, they found an elevator and as luck had it it was packed with medfolk. A short standoff occurred before it was sent on its merry way. The next one was empty, though only for as long as it took to load in my scooterbed. Which took longer than you'd have thought; the wheels got stuck in the gap between elevator and floor. Eventually this trouble was dispatched and up we went to the 5th floor... the newest in the entire hospital. The Cardiac floor. New ceiling, too, much further away than all the rest thus far. I really realized something right then. This was serious. Or really, SERIOUS. They wouldn't put me in the Cardiac wards if it wasn't. They rolled me into a random room that honestly was bigger than my living room.
And then, another transfer to another bed. As before, serious pain and sad puppy whining sounds. And a bed that was the most uncomfortable I've ever been. Seriously, it was like lying on an aluminum sheet with rods on it. The rolling table went away, taking the medical personnel with it, and I was in a hospital, alone, basically naked, on a painful table, in the dark, and scared out of my tiny little mind. Not because I was alone... that could be a good sign, you don't leave cardiac cases alone without them being wired for sound first... but because of the pain.
At the beginning of all this two weeks previously, stuff in my leg hurt but it stopped hurting when I stopped moving. When it stopped doing leg things it didn't hurt. But now it was constant sharp lance being wiggled around and THAT was scary.
Finally a couple of CNAs came in, turning a light on as they came. One threw a sheet over me. The other one though... she threw a switch on the far end of the bed and a loud hiss filled the room. More importantly was that I was no longer lying on an uncomfortable sheet of aluminum but hovering just over it! I'm sort of embarrassed to admit that my first thought was air hockey. In my defense, it had been a long day. They had put me in an inflatable bed and for the first time since 3pm, my back and butt didn't hurt. Considering the pain in the rest of my body, it was a small victory, but a victory it was.
The nurses efficiently got my tree of bags hung and stuck in my arm... and drew more blood to look at the effectiveness of the blood thinners. This should have warned me of what was coming but I was clueless... its not like I had any experience in this. They showed me what to press if I needed to use the loo, to adjust the bed, and how to turn on the TV. This would prove to be the most important of the three. And what a TV! 46" if it was a foot. Much cable channels, including TCM... during Oscars month. Say what you want about the Hollywood "I Love ME!" event, but they give that to good movies. During my stay I got to wat... a nurse walks in and takes blood... I got to watch about 30 great movies. I'd already seen some of them of course: I had Citizen Kane memorized long before, but I had managed to miss most Sidney Poitier films for example.
So that, mixed with my cellphone, would have my entertainment covered. This was nowhere near to being true, but I didn't know that yet. I also didn't know that despite my bed being comfort itself, sleep was not going to be a thing. But at the moment, it wasn't going to be... a nurse walks in, takes blood, and leaves again... ...be a problem.
Yeah. I was screwed, I just didn't know it yet.
Next Time: More Zombies!
Also Next Time: Hospital pt3 - So Sick I Felt Fine
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January 07, 2022
So This Is The Hospital? Needs Better Urinals.
The ambulance backed into the ERs dropbox, dragged me out the rear... better than via the roof hatch. I actually asked why there was a roof hatch, but alas I was already being rolled into the lovely eggshell blue hallway to a room past the open bay where the high pressure world of traumatic wounds and spurting blood in a life or death conflict against Death itself.
Two doctors were eating pizza and chatting. But in a high intensity manner.
The EMTs had one last gift for me as they dragged me off the gurney to the bed-like object that would be my resting spot for the next five hours. They tried not to bump me around, but failed. Not really their fault... YOU try transferring a walrus from one table to another, see how it goes. The next hour is mostly a blur now. Medical people wandering in, poke and prod, then wandering right back out again. Somewhere in there they gave me a stylish gown in no specific color... a sartorial choice that I have become quite familiar with, alas.
Eventually I began recognizing people that made multiple stops in my space. One actually poked me with a needle to take blood... the first of many vampire visits I'd experience. Someone else hung a bag of whatever because that's what the do in hospitals, then plugged it in.
I'm reading the above stuff, and it's not really very funny. None of it really was, honestly. it's even past my admittedly tiny abilities to make funny. There was a lot of pain involved. Like when they took x-rays of my upper leg and they needed me to turn my leg this way or the other... that really was agony.
Then it was time for the device I'd become very familiar with... the Angry Growling Donut. Yes, others call it a CT Scanner, but I don't care. Sadly I had to do the leg trick again, except in a small confined space with no room to move. Fun was had by all. Then it was back up to the warm and inviting ER room and its remarkably comfortable table with great back support.
By now it'd been a couple of hours, and I'm sure this'll come as a shock to everybody, I needed to use the little ducky room. This caused a rather confused look to appear on the nurse's face: What do you do when a patient the size of a treaty battleship needs to pump bilges take a leak when he can't sail walk? A handheld urinal was out; prior experience definitely rendered that a non-starter. Suddenly the expression of "brilliant idea!" appeared on the face of a second nurse that had been called in for consultation. Or moral support maybe? Was never quite clear on that, just the first time of many over the next couple of weeks. The decision was made: the collection container (two liters... I appreciated their optimism) from a suction machine (note: possible foreshadowing) and two diapers to catch possible overflows (really, it was quite flattering)...
...and everything held in place by two nurses.
Ah. Yes, of course. I should have realized beforehand. Suddenly the old adage passed through my mind: "You have no pride, you have no shame. You're in marketing!" Or, in this case, a hospital. Ah well, 25 years of retail burned all that down to a small, mewling thing huddled in the corner of my mind, and it's not like worse things didn't happen the last couple of years at the Duck U Bookstore. So once everything had been set up and the audience allowed to take their seats. I let fly. I tried very hard to keep the sigh of relief contained; no reason to make this any weirder than it already was.
Prize gathered (240ml... hey, it'd been a long time) a look of concern flitted across the nurse's face and she asked me a question that in other circumstances would have me laughing at the surrealness of it all: "How long has it smelled like this?" I could only shake my head: not too long at all, really, but not recently. With that answer received, she took the precious liquid away.
Then another torture device was brought in: the ultrasound machine. This was applied to my inner thigh after that odd gel stuff was gooped on, and Madame Torquemada began her work. To explain just how this felt, let me apply a comparison that can be easily understood.
Imagine you're in a terrible car accident on the highway. Everything is destroyed, the engine is in the back seat, the front passenger seat is ten yards behind the car, the works. You yourself are unharmed, and simply get out the normal way. As you do, you are counting your blessings.
Then you are attacked by a bengal tiger. Just as the massive teeth and claws approach your unprotected body, you are hit by an 18-wheeler at full trot. Then, as your broken body lies on the side of the road, someone runs up and presses an ultrasound scanner to your leg.
After being allowed some water... an entire Dixie cup, all to myself!... I was left alone for a bit. I think I texted Brickmuppet and Ben both at this point though to be honest that's kinda slipped my mind. A bit after that, three nurses, led by a woman that was obviously a doctor (if nothing else, her name badge and ID with the large word "DOCTOR" under it gave it away... mind like a steel trap, that's me) walked in. She explained that the Angry Growling Donut and the ultrasound both spotted a blood clot in my right leg. The good news was that was fairly early in the experience and should respond well to the usual brace of blood thinners and other meds. The bad news was that she could not admit to t.he hospital without a display of the physical situation. Or to put it simply, I had to try and stand up.
I goggled (back in grad school I would have helmeted. More protection while welding) at her. Seriously? Step one then... slide my legs to the edge of the table. My left leg moved fine, but the star of the evening was my right one... and I couldn't move it. My foot worked, but every pain receptor in my brain lit up with a nearly visible "TILT" light. After a few more attempts, each hurting more than the one before it, she said "That's enough. Would you agree?" That was directed to the nurses. A half hour later, I left the ER, bundled into an elevator and rolled to my new home for a while. It was 1030pm on the last day of February, 2021.
Next Time: More Zombies!
Also next time: Hospital pt2: Like A Cloud, only with squeezy boots.
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January 02, 2022
Knock Knock, Neo... er... Wonderduck
(yawn) {stretchhhhh}
Boy, helluva nap, that. I was supposed to have dinner with the folks at 6pm, wonder what time it is?
Oh. Oh boy. That's gonna be hard to explain. Well, lets give it the old Duck U try, hey?
You members of the Pond Scum that have stuck around have been told a little bit thanks to Brickmuppet and Ben, both of whom deserve praise (or scorn, whichever) for keeping me sane for the past very long time.
Short ha ha ha version: blood clot in the leg, with added problems, like a previously unknown UTI and a kidneystone. And with some nutritional problems to boot because this all started with some leg pain like I have gotten for years. But it got worse, to the point where getting out of bed and walking to the bathroom was about the limit of what I could manage... so I stopped eating. For about 10 days, give or take, Then Feb 28th, as I tried to shower, my leg stopped doing leg things,
when I fell, I miraculously missed everything so it was about as good as you could hope for. Except now I was naked on the floor of the bathroom, unable to stand up, or really move at all without the leg exploding, So I called 911 and actually said "I've fallen and can't get up." It only took a few minutes for the EMTs and firemen to show up, and they then proceeded to drag me bodily into the living room, got me on a tarp, and got ready to take me out to the ambulance.
At which point, one of them asked about my collection of Haruhi Suzumiya figures. I was more than happy to chat about the 110 figure collection... I'm just a few obscure figs from having every scale, prize, trading, and posable figure listed on myfigurecollection, and the general consensus is that it's probably the largest collection of its type in the US. So I've got that going for me.
Which is nice.
That was the last fun I would have for about a month.
When they carried me to the ambulance, it was snowing. Also, the streets they took to the hospital need some SERIOUS roadwork, because every bump, pothole, or slight depression in it transmitted itself directly to my leg. i'm pretty sure I didn't scream at all. Much. The ER was waiting for me and thus ended any dignity and hope I've ever had in my life.
NEXT TIME: More Zombies. Oh my god, did that joke feel good.
ALSO NEXT TIME: Welcome To The Pleasuredome Hospital.
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