So... not much of a race today, huh? The first part of this F1 UPDATE! needs to be read while listening to THIS.

*RAIN... THE GREAT EQUALIZER: When the red lights went out, the track was dry and the sun was shining. By the time the cars made the first turn, the sun was gone. By the halfway point of the first lap, the scene looked like this:

And Marcus Winklehock, making his first F1 start ever, in the worst car on the track (but the only one on wet tires), suddenly had a 30 second lead on the field!

Then you had a massive dive for the pit lane by, oh, just about every car still on track, nearly resulting in a pileup of monumental proportions.

Finally, after a safety car on lap 3, somebody in the FIA realized that while what was occurring on the Nurb Jr track was incredibly entertaining, it was also not auto racing. Auto SWIMMING, perhaps, but not racing, so they ran out the red flag, stopping the race for 15 minutes. Immediately upon deployment of said flag, the rain stopped. Upon the restart, the safety car stayed out for three laps, meaning that Marcus Winklehock, driving for Spyker, led the race for seven laps... becoming the first for the pathetic Dutch team to even run in the top eight at ANY time in their history.

Yup, it was that sort of day.

*DRIVER OF THE RACE: David Coulthard's Chin started 20th after a flat-out miserable qualifying (that he blamed on his teammate, for blocking him on his hotlap). After the aforementioned Benny Hill start and a furious drive through the field, The Chin brought his car home in 5th, making up 15 places. Well done, DC'sC!

*TEAM OF THE RACE: RedBull. The Chin was 5th. Mark Webber was on the podium in 3rd. This was the best performance by the Red Bull team in a race ever... how could they NOT earn TotR?

*MOVE OF THE RACE: Fernando Alonso was in 2nd, about 15 seconds behind with 10 laps to go, and satisfied with his position.

Then the rains came back.

Within three laps (and one pitstop for intermediate tires), he was all over Felipe Massa's Ferrari, doing everything he could think of to pass him for the lead. On Lap 56 he blocked Alonso into Turn 1, slid outside to keep the door closed into Turn 2, and Alonso tried going outside in Turn 3 but couldn't quite keep his McLaren stable. In the downhill section between the Sachs and Ford Kurves, Alonso got a good run on the inside and Massa squeezed him hard. The two banged, Alonso's left sidepod to Massa's front right tire. The damage was minor, but Massa lost a smidge of momentum when the Ferrari staggered slightly. This allowed the McLaren to take the lead, and the win a few laps later. A sweet pass indeed, and our Move of the Race!

*MOOOOO-OOVE OF THE RACE: There is no question that rain makes all drivers release their inner bovines, but this is ridiculous!

*DRIVER QUOTES OF THE RACE: more...

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1 That first picture is really horrifying. It must have been pouring.

Posted by: Steven Den Beste at July 22, 2007 10:57 AM (+rSRq)

2 You forgot my favorite quote of the race:

Alonso to Massa during Peter Smarmy's post-race interview: "I apol-o-yize. Heh heh."

Apologies don't get more sincere than that - lol.

(What do you suppose those two were saying to each other on their way to the podium????)

Posted by: Mallory at July 22, 2007 11:21 AM (Bc7do)

3 Am I the only one to spot yet that Jean Todt's sweater has finally removed itself from him, and found a new host body in Schmui?

Oh and another nominee for move of the race I would suggest should be the safety car driver. If you look at the footage of Liuzzi going off, the safety car driver is waiting for the leader, when he suddenly spots Liuzzi sliding backwards towards him at very high speed, and gunned it, getting out of the way just in time. Could have been rather nasty.

Great race, and great update

Posted by: flotsky at July 22, 2007 12:48 PM (/n2FK)

4 Flotsky, I was impressed, if nothing else. It was almost funny, truthfully... you see the safety car picking it's way slowly through the rain as it approached the turn, then for no obvious reason it visibly has full power applied to it.

And then the Toro Rosso enters the picture.

Backwards. At 100mph. And goes right through where the safety car had been a moment before. Eep.

Mallory, I actually prefered the one during Massa's part of the Q&A session. Massa was recapping his view of the incident, and you hear, very quietly, "I ap-lo-gyze"... but Alonso had this big ol' (pardon le French) shit-eating grin on his face. Hmmmmm...

Steven, the rain was pretty heavy, but the worst part was that nobody (save Wincklehock) was prepared for it. Usually the teams know when it's going to rain and have a chance to bring their cars in for galoshes, but this happened at just the wrong moment.

A few minutes earlier, like when they were still sitting on the grid, and the drivers could have made their way around the track at a dead crawl. A few moments later, and the cars would have been a lot nearer the pits (and on the uphill portion of the course).

Instead, the cars were headed downhill (and the Nurb Jr. has one of, if not THE, steepest run downhill in F1), and all the water from the downpour was cascading down the track. I'm kinda surprised there weren't MORE cars in the kittylitter.

My favorite part of that first picture, though, is the fact that there are THREE cars in it... one of them is 90% obscured by Massa's tire spray. I didn't even notice it until after I got the post up.

Posted by: Wonderduck at July 22, 2007 05:17 PM (7MeZM)

5 "Dry" tires are slicks, right? "Wet" tires have channels, like the ones on regular car tires?

If all those guys were running slicks, it's no wonder they were slipping and sliding around as if the place was covered in ice. Hydroplane city, especially with that much water on the pavement!

Posted by: Steven Den Beste at July 22, 2007 07:09 PM (+rSRq)

6 Steven, dry tires actually aren't slicks, though the difference is minor. F1 dry tires have five grooves in them, as opposed to slicks which are completely unmarked. Take a look at the pics in this post: http://wonderduck.mu.nu/archives/232764.php to see what I mean.

Posted by: Wonderduck at July 23, 2007 12:53 AM (2nDll)

7 Well, while the question of whether Lewis Hamilton can walk on water remains open, at least we have some data on how well he drives on it.

Posted by: HC at July 23, 2007 10:46 PM (V+5Zy)

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The wails can be heard across the pond (as opposed to The Pond), so I think we'd best get this edition of the F1 UPDATE! a-goin'!

*THE ICEMAN COMETH: Two in a row, and first man to three wins, Kimi Raikkonen has hoisted himself back into the Driver's Championship. It's also the second race that he's won in the second round of pitstops, but it took some serious driving to pull it off. He stayed glued to Hamilton's tail in the first stint, who proved to be running on a light fuel load. When he couldn't pull away from Kimi, Lewis' chance to win disappeared. Alonso took the lead after the first round of stops, but only because McLaren short-fueled him... and HE couldn't get away from Kimi, either. Raikkonen pounded out four or five brutally fast laps after Alonso's stop, and came out a couple of seconds ahead after his 2nd stop... and the race was over. Ferrari brought the speed today, but Kimi really made it work.

*...WHA HOPPEN?: Lewis Hamilton should have been able to make this a good race. After the first pit rotation, though, he fell from first to third, and just disappeared. He seemed to be having problem adjusting to his tires in the middle stint, and his car performance just cratered in the final run. He was still on the podium, true, but that's really only because Felipe Massa's Ferrari stalled on the grid and he wound up having to start from the pitlane. Lewismania is still alive and well, but this would have to be the most disappointing race of his career. All nine races of it.

*DRIVER OF THE RACE: Choose a Ferrari! Raikkonen wins with an impressive run, Massa finishes fifth despite starting from the pits. In fact, he was 10th by lap 8, and at one point was as high as third. We're going to give it to Massa, but if you think Kimi deserves it, we sure won't argue with you.

*TEAM OF THE RACE: McLaren. Ferrari had the impressive drives, but McLaren still had both cars on the podium, and it took some perfect racing from Kimi Raikkonen and perfect strategy from the team to keep Alonso from the win. They still have the same point lead in the constructor's championship that they had when they started the day, so it was a good day for them. But if Felipe Massa hadn't stalled on the grid...

*MOVE OF THE RACE: On lap 7 of Felipe Massa's charge through the field, he came upon the battle for 10th place between David Coulthard's Chin and Nico Rosberg. At Vale, Rosberg got into the grass, The Chin bobbled, and Massa nearly drove past them both at once. Instead, he only got Wonderboy, but was all over the back of Red Bull. DC'sC held off Massa for only a short time, but then Massa was gone, off in pursuit of Jarno Trulli. A nice little sequence, and quite deserving of the MotR.

*MOOOOOOOO-OOVE OF THE RACE: Even the best get it wrong sometimes. They make one little mistake and their multi-million dollar triumph of engineering suddenly looks like a hoofed ruminant, grazing it's way across the fields. Today's Mooooo-oove wasn't quite as bad as Christijan Albers driving away with the fuel hose, but it could count as the first true race mistake of Lewis Hamilton's career. The young lad pits from the lead on lap 16, and a flawless pitstop begins... until the lollypop man signals Master Lewis to prepare to drive away. Hamilton, who probably had more adrenaline in him than any 20 normal beings, began to drive away... with the fuel hose still attached. He only lurched a foot or two, no real harm except for a couple of extra seconds lost, but it's the first sign of rookie behaviour (note British spelling) from the 22-year old. Nicely done, Lewis Hamilton, here's your first Mooooo-oove!

*DRIVER QUOTES OF THE RACE: more...

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Meh. Here's the UPDATE!

*ADIEU, MANGY-CURS!: There will be a French Grand Prix next year. It just won't be at the Circuit de Nevers... and we at F1 UPDATE! couldn't be happier. It's not just that it's too narrow, or has too many turns, it's both combined. Worse yet, the turns are ill-placed: just when you get a run on the car ahead of you, there's a turn and your run is thrown out the window. They say that the last sequence of turns at Indianapolis is 'Mickey Mouse'? Mangy-Curs is ALL 'Mickey Mouse' to me.

*BONJOUR, FERRARI!: The Big Red Machine took the two top steps on the podium, and other than the first few laps when Lewis Hamilton was trying to get by, they weren't really challenged. We might just have a Constructor's Championship again.

*DRIVER OF THE RACE: Robert Kubica, BMW-Sauber. First race back after his incredible crash in Montreal, and he finishes fourth in a performance as dominant as any of the three ahead of him. BMW-Sauber is a step below the Big Two, and it's a big step, but they're the best of the rest. Honorable Mention to Jensen Button for getting his Honda across the line in 8th and earning them their FIRST standing point this year.

*TEAM OF THE RACE: Ferrari. Fastest in practices, fastest in quals, fastest in the race, top two finishers, and that after being outclassed for a few races? No chance it'd be anybody else, really.

*MOVE OF THE RACE: Fernando Alonso was harrassing Grizzly Nick Heidfeld for most of the first half of the race, throwing his car through the outside of turns in the hope of being able to keep up enough speed to get past, but failing every time. But on lap 33, Heidfeld was a little slow coming out of turn 10... but there's no way you can pass between 10 and the final chicane, the straightaway there is about two carlengths long. We know it, you know it, the fans knew it, the announcers knew it, and Heidfeld knew it. Alonso didn't. When Heidfeld went to go into the chicane, he discovered A Glare With Wheels to his inside, leaving him nowhere to go, and nothing to do but watch Alonso scurry past and run away. Brilliant pass, well-deserving of the Move of the Race.

*MOOOOOOO-OOOVE OF THE RACE: Celebrating the worst of the best, the Mooooo-ooove relishes and wallows in the bovine that lurks within every F1 pilot. Drivers leave the pits too early all the time. Not every driver leaves the pits so early they take the entire refueling hose and a couple of his pitcrew with him. And not every team could have this happen to them. Now, who could it be?

*DRIVER QUOTES OF THE RACE: more...

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...due to apathy. Working on it.

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It wasn't as banana-peel wacky as Montreal, but it was still a good race. Let's get to the UPDATIN'!

*TWOFER: Two North American races, two poles, two wins for Lewis Hamilton. He beat Alonso on the drag-race to the first turn (though not without some frolicking by 'Nando), he kept his teammate behind him (though only just barely at one point), and got his second victory in seven days by a small but comfortable margin. There's gonna be some broken china in the McLaren pits tonight...

*SCUDERIA PANIC: Sure, Ferrari came in three-four, not a bad result. But they were FIFTEEN SECONDS BEHIND the McLarens, and on a track that Ferrari has dominated in the past. Even Jean Todt's sweater has got to be worried by now.

*DRIVER OF THE RACE: He didn't get it last week because Kovalenenneinenneinninnie had a miracle race, but there's no way Lewis Hamilton can't be given the DotR award. To beat Alonso, he had to drive a flawless race, and he did. No bobbles, no accidental excursions, as precision a race as any Schumacher did. Perfect. I don't know if he can keep it up, but it's gonna be fascinating watching him try. Honorable mention to Sebastian Vettel, who became the youngest man (and only teenager) to earn a Driver's Championship point today.

*TEAM OF THE RACE: McLaren. 1-2 on the podium, fifteen seconds ahead of their main competition, they let their drivers race each other, AND they give us the quote of the race (Hamilton on radio: "Woo-hoo! Thank you guys, I love you!" Unnamed McLaren Engineer with Deadpan Voice: "We love you too. Now set your engine state to...")? Sign us up! If we at F1 UPDATE! weren't SuperAguri fans...

*MOVE OF THE RACE: Giancarlo Fisichella seemed to be feelin' his oats this week, as he had a couple of nice moments on the track today. First there was his duel with Jenson Button that lasted the entire length of the infield section of the track, which was exciting and the "how do they DO that?" moment of the race. But then, on lap 24, Fisi came upon Man-mountain Wurz . He started his pass going into turn 6, were side-by-side coming out of 6 down the (very) short chute to 7, and in seven forced Wurz to concede the place, giving him a wheel-to-wheel lovetap to prevent him from even thinking of keeping up. A very nice move, requiring a huge pair of... um... gears, and well-deserving of the MotR.

*MOOOOOOOO-OOVE OF THE RACE: That which is the best worst on the track, the Moooooo-oove celebrates the bovine that lurks within all F1 drivers. This one was over early, folks. No contest at all. The run down to the first turn at any Formula One track is always dicey, but Indy seems to inspire huge displays of 'duh' driving. Ralf Schumacher seemed to forget that he had to turn, jumped on the brakes very, VERY late, and his card skidded to the left... right into David Coulthard's Chin and Rubens Barrichello. All three cars, out of the race. Nice job, Ralfy, enjoy your Moooo-ove... you can use it to remember your career by.

*DRIVER QUOTES OF THE RACE: more...

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No time for introductions, let's get right to the F1 UPDATE!

*WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?: Now THAT'S a race! Where to begin? First and foremost has got to be Robert Kubica's horrendous accident; he was in the process of passing Jarno Trulli coming into turn 7 and was pushed a little too far outside. His car left the track at high speed, got slightly airborne, brushed a barrier, then slammed almost straight-on into a concrete wall, which just demolished his BMW. The remains of the car then ricochetted back across the track, ending up on it's side in the run-off area of turn 8, some 150 yards from where the whole event began. Kubica was motionless in the cockpit and we here at F1 UPDATE! feared the worst, though reports have come in that he only suffered a broken leg.

Then you had three OTHER yellow flags, two cars black-flagged, Takuma Sato passing both Fernando Alonso and Kimi Raikkonen for position, and more. It all added up to an amazing race... even before you take into account Lewis Hamilton winning his first ever Grand Prix. Put that into the mix, and you have perhaps one of the greatest races of all time!

*SHAKEUP ON THE PODIUM: Hamilton on the podium is no huge news, though his being on the top step is. That Grizzly Nick Heidfeld and Man-Mountain Wurz were 2nd and 3rd is AMAZING news, if only because it means that neither Ferrari or Fernando Alonso got on. In a race full of startling events, these were two of the most surprising.

*DRIVER OF THE RACE: Lewis Hamilton would be a deserving enough person to give this award to... on any other day. For this race, however, we're going to give Heikki Kovalainen the honors. After a simply dreadful pre-race weekend that saw him blow an engine, destroy his suspension, and tear the back off his car, all on seperate incidents, he started today's race from dead last on the grid. He somehow managed to weave his way through all the events going on around him and brought his Renault home in an astonishing fourth place. Honorable mention goes to the aforementioned Lewis Hamilton. He's a rookie who's only been in six F1 races; he's never finished lower than third, and today he gets his first win. Not bad.

*TEAM OF THE RACE: We here at F1 UPDATE! are having a problem with this one. Only three teams had both cars finish, McLaren, SuperAguri and Williams. McLaren doesn't deserve it: they may have had the winner, but Alonso had a miserable day when he should have been on the podium, due in part to the team calling him in to the pits before the pit lane was open, thereby earning him a 10sec penalty. SuperAguri only had one car in the points, and the other would have been a couple laps down under the old rules. So that leaves Williams, with one car on the podium and the other in 10th, as the winners of the TotR for Montreal. Yay.

*MOVE OF THE RACE: No shortage to choose from today, and yet, there was no contest. On lap 68, SuperAguri's Takuma SUPERSato, having dispatched Ralf Schumacher two laps earlier, was all over the back of World Champion Fernando Alonso's McLaren. He had spent the two laps setting Alonso up, looking for an opening. Finally, down the straight he got a nice draft off the McLaren, pulled up close behind, and slingshotted past on the outside, simply powering by... and there was nothing Alonso could do about it. To make matters better, this was for SIXTH PLACE! The cheers from the F1 UPDATE! crew were deafening! To make matters better, earlier in the race SUPERSato had pressured Ferrari's Kimi Raikkonen into an error in the hairpin and blown past him as well. For superior passing not once, but TWICE, we MUST give Takuma Sato the Move of the Race.

*MOOOOOOO-OOVE OF THE RACE: In a race full of the spirit of the bovine, one moment stood out above all the rest. On lap 38, Jarno Trulli and Nico Rosberg were side by side going into turn 1, dicing for position. Rosberg got slightly off-track and spun, a manuever that should have collected Trulli as well... but didn't, because Trulli had ALSO lost control and spun at almost the exact same time. In replays, it was like the two of them were pairs figure skaters, so identical were their oscillations. 9.5 from the American judge, and here's your Mooooooo-oove, boys!

*DRIVER QUOTES OF THE RACE: more...

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Allegedly, there was a Grand Prix today. Let's take a look, shall we?

*ZING WENT THE STRINGS...: ...but YAWN went the F1 UPDATE! crew. Monte Carlo always has the ability to turn into a snoozefest, but this one was particularly bad. How bad?

We fell asleep on the F1 UPDATE! couch.

*SEE CHAMELEON, LYING THERE IN THE SUN. ALL THINGS TO EVERYONE...: McLaren completely dominated the race, sprinting away at the lights. By the time the carnage was over, they had a one minute, five second lead over Felipe Massa in third.

A lap of the course only takes one minute, 15 seconds. Chew on that for a minute... and you STILL won't have caught up with the McLarens.

(note: bonus points to the first reader to tell us what song the headline is from)

*DRIVER OF THE RACE: American Scott Speed. There's been a Scott Speed sighting! Started 18th, finished 9th, and stayed on Kimi Raikkonen's Ferrari the entire race. Terrible result for Raikkonen, great for Speed.

*TEAM OF THE RACE: McLaren. They didn't short-fuel, gambling on rain. They came up with the perfect setup for Monte Carlo and just completely dominated the race... and they say they've got still MORE speed in hand. If so, this season is over, so complete was the thrashing.

*MOVE OF THE RACE: There was no passing to be seen today. The MotR will go to Fernando Alonso for being able to get his car off the line when the lights go green. By the end of the first lap, he had 1.75 seconds in hand and the race was over.

Yeah, it was that bad.

*MOOOOOOOO-OOVE OF THE RACE: There were no stunning examples of bad driving, so we give the Mooooo-oove to Team Spyker, just because.

*SELECTED DRIVER QUOTES OF THE RACE: more...

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After that short (four week) digression, it's time for F1 UPDATE! Read on, brave stalwart...

*LEAD ON, MACDUFF: No passing at all. Winner runs away at the start and is never on screen. Most exciting race of the season. Only in F1.

*...AND A CHILD SHALL LEAD THEM: Hi, do you know me? I'm the youngest driver in the history of F1 to ever lead in the championship points race. I've been on the podium of every F1 race I've ever been in, but some people don't know my face. I'm Lewis Hamilton, and if F1 was based in the USA instead of Europe, I'd be more famous than God...

*OH, DID ANYBODY NOTICE...?: OMGWTFSA07CP1!!!!

*DRIVER OF THE RACE: Felipe Massa deserves this award for getting the Spanish Grand Slam (pole, fast lap of race, race victory). We just hate giving it to someone who was never really challenged, and was even able to turn the RPMs on his engine down 10 laps before the end of the race. So instead, we'll give it to Nick Heidfeld for being able to drive one entire lap without a wheel nut on his BMW's front right tire... and managing to keep the thing on the axle. (Pssst! You can't give it to someone that didn't finish the race! Oh. Then it's Massa.)

*TEAM OF THE RACE: Was there ever any doubt? Congratulations to F1 UPDATE!'s favorite team, SuperAguri, for earning their first ever championship point!

*MOVE OF THE RACE: Around lap 20, Vitantonio Liuzzi had some sort of problem that would lead to his retirement. He managed to get himself into the pitlane entry, but at a very slow pace. At the Barcelona track, the pitlane entry has a blind turn. David Coulthard's Chin came swinging into the pits at speed, came upon Liuzzi's crippled car, somehow managed to avoid ramming either the Toro Rosso OR the wall, AND still managed to slow down to pitlane speed. For this example of car-handling skill, and because there were no on-track examples of car-handling skill, DC'sC gets the MotR!

*MOOOOOOOO-OOVE OF THE RACE: The polar opposite of the Move of the Race, the Mooooooo-oove celebrates the bovine lurking in every F1 team. We here at F1 UPDATE! were fearing that we had to award this to the pit crews of BMW and Ferrari for their inept actions (BMW screwed up Nick Heidfeld's race by letting him leave BEFORE his front-right tire was actually attached to the car, Ferrari nearly caused a disasterous pit-lane fire by letting Massa go before the fuel hose was removed from his car; as it was, he drove away with a few gallons blazing on the side of his Ferrari). Fortunately, however, the Honda Boyz saved our bacon when Jensen Button came out of the pits just behind his teammate Rubens Barrichello. Going into turn one, Barrichello slowed for the turn, and Button, distracted by something bright and shiny on the side of the track, ran into the back of him, launching his front wing into orbit. WELL DONE, lads, well done... a Mooooo-oove well-deserved!

*DRIVER QUOTES OF THE RACE: more...

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Good stuff today, so lets get to the crackin'!

*FELIPE MASTERS: Felipe Massa got the win today, but not without a lot of heat from Lewis Hamilton. The last two races have been runaways, but not this one, with the Ferrari being unable to pull away until after the final stint. Even then, the McLaren was able to hack away at the lead over the last few laps. This should be pretty tight all year.

*EVERYBODY LOVES A THREE-WAY: After today's results, we now have three people tied for the driver's championship lead; Fernando Alonso, Kimi Raikkonen and Lewis Hamilton all have 22 points. Remarkably, you would have to say that Hamilton has been the most consistent of all three, with two seconds and a third. Both Raikkonen and Alonso have wins, but they've also been all over the finishing grid. This is shaping up to be MUCH more interesting a battle than we've had the past few years, to say the least.

*RED BULL MAY GIVE YOU WINGS... ...but it sure didn't give their teams stability. None of the four cars running under the Red Bull banner finished the race: American Speed was out after three turns, Liuzzi some laps later, The Chin had a hydraulic fire around lap 30, and Mark Webber had a jammed fuel door that so badly ruined the aerodynamics of his car that the t-wing ripped off, which looked like it damaged the rear of his RB3. Bad news all around.

*DRIVER OF THE RACE: We here at F1 UPDATE! really want to bend the unwritten rules and give this to David Coulthard's Chin. He started from the last row of the grid, and when his car gave out, was up to seventh or eighth... and it wasn't a fuel strategy thing, it was outdriving the others. However, the unwritten rules state that the DotR has to go to someone that actually finishes the race. So, instead, we'll give the award to Grizzly Nick Heidfeld for his 4th place finish (which included passing Fernando Alonso). Dr. Mario Theissen had a huge grin on his face after that one...

*TEAM OF THE RACE: Ferrari gets the award for finishing 1st/3rd, but we're not excited about it. There just really isn't any other team that deserves it, to be honest.

*MOVE OF THE RACE: On lap 31, Nick Heidfeld, who'd been dogging Fernando Alonso for a few laps, made a seemingly doomed move to the outside of the McLaren into a turn. Somehow, Grizzly Nick kept his BMW glued to the track, and just forced Alonso to make a decision: either relinquish the place, or wreck both cars. 'Nando gave up, and Heidfeld would finish ahead of Alonso when the checkered flag flew. Honorable mention goes to Giancarlo Fisichella's pass of Rubens Barrichello around lap 21 where he started outside in a turn, but tightened up and passed the Honda to the inside.

*MOOOOO-OVE OF THE RACE: All F1 drivers have their 'duh' moments, and the MOOOOO-OVE celebrates the worst of them, performed on the largest stage in motor racing. Today's award goes to Anthony Davidson, for his lapse of concentration in the closing laps of the race. The Honda engine in his SuperAguri began to tear itself apart without immediately dying, but the thin blue oil smoke trail coming out showed that it was just a matter of time. Instead of pulling off the driving line, Ant continued driving as if nothing was wrong, laying down an oil slick that extended over half the track. To make matters worse, Lewis Hamilton was right behind Ant, and that may have prevented him from making more of his charge at Massa. Lovely job, Ant, here's your Mooooo-ove! Dishonorable mention goes to the engine staff at Honda, for deciding that an ounce of C4 is a good way of cooling their engines this week (three of the four Honda-driven cars this weekend had engine failures; Button during practice , Sato around lap 40 [with a huge plume of smoke], and Ant, as mentioned).

*QUOTES OF THE RACE: more...

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Three weeks since the last one, but we're back! Let's get right to the second race of the year!

*GAUNTLET THROWN...: McLaren announced in spades that they are back, and looking for a Championship. They qual'd second and fourth, were first and second by the second turn, and kept those spots for the rest of the race. Alonso's win puts him in the lead of the Drivers Championship, and Hamilton's second podium in his two-race career puts the team in the lead for the Constructors'.

*...TOES SMUSHED: Ferrari has got to be wondering just what they did wrong. When you qualify 1-3, and have the fastest car on the track, you've got to be expecting something more than finishing third and fifth. But yet, that's where they ended up after a repeated driver error and a worrisome engine. Jean Todt's Sweater must be concerned.

*DRIVER OF THE RACE: Lewis Hamilton drove like he was in his second decade of F1 racing, not his second race. He jumped from 4th to 2nd at the start, then forced a frantic Massa into making not one, but two errors on two consecutive laps at the SAME PLACE on the track, which killed any chance Massa had of being on the podium. He then drove a fast pace, made no errors, and didn't panic when Kimi Raikkonen made his last chance push in the final five laps. This guy's gooood. Honorable mention goes to Rubens Barrichello. He started from the pit lane, pushed his way through the field, and ended up 11th in the pathetic Honda car. Nicely done, lad.

*TEAM OF THE RACE: McLaren. As has been previously mentioned, McLaren had pretty much the perfect race. Alonso won going away, Hamilton played the role of wingman to perfection, there were no technical problems, even the tires worked well. What more could you ask for?

*MOVE OF THE RACE: Man-Mountain Wurz sold the proverbial dummy to David Coulthard's Chin on lap 12. Coming into the second-best passing spot on the track, turn 4, Wurz 'leaned' inside. DC'sC reacted by slamming the door on that line... which appears to be exactly what The Man They Call Man-Mountain wanted. Wurz calmly went to the outside and powered around DC'sC RB3 like it was standing still... showing exactly how to pass at turn 4. Sweet, but exactly what you'd expect from someone that's drive F1 cars for 10 years (okay, 8 of them as a tester, but still...).

*MOOOOOOOOO-OVE OF THE RACE: Even the best race drivers in the world have their cud-chewing moments, and the Moooooooo-ove 'rewards' those who make those mistakes on the biggest stage, a F1 race. Today's award goes to Felipe Massa. Knowing that he absolutely had to get past Lewis Hamilton lest Fernando Alonso go galloping off over the hills, on lap 3 Massa took a smidge too much speed into turn 4. He got past Hamilton, but wound up locking his brakes, falling victim to a pass-and-repass exchange. Jaw set, he grimly reeled the young McLaren driver back in and two laps later, he tried the same move again. This time, however, Massa peed the whole thing down the leg of his firesuit, winding up about four car-lengths into the grass. He also lost two positions and never came close to contending for a podium again. To add insult to injury, Man-Mountain Wurz showed exactly how to do it a few laps later with his pass on David Coulthard's Chin (see "Move of the Race"). Bravo, Felipe!

*QUOTES OF THE RACE: more...

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Formula 1 is back, and so is F1 UPDATE! Let's get right to it, shall we?

*THE MORE THINGS CHANGE...: ...the more they stay the same. Kimi Raikkonen, moving from McLaren to Ferrari, ran away with the race from the very beginning. He was never challenged, and lapped up to fifth or sixth by the checkered flag. Meanwhile, Fernando Alonso, moving from Renault to McLaren, finished in second, challenged only by his teammate. By the end, there was something like ten seconds between himself and third. Dominating performances all over the place.

*NO TIRE WARS, NO PROBLEM: To be honest, the neverending battle between Bridgestone and Michelin really might have detracted from the racing. Now that there's a single tire maker, that part of the playing field has been leveled, and it's back to being a sport of cars and drivers... like it should be.

*DRIVER OF THE RACE: Kimi Raikkonen has a pleasant drive out there today, but didn't really have to race, so the first winner of the Driver of the Race for the season goes to Lewis Hamilton. The McLaren rookie, driving in his first Grand Prix, on his first visit to Australia, managed a podium finish and led the race during the first round of pitstops. Likely a sign of things to come for the lad, we'd not be surprised to see him win one this season. Honorable mention goes to Felipe Massa, who finished sixth (and nearly passed Giancarlo Fisichella for fifth on the last lap) after starting last on the grid. That's got to be cause for some concern in the McLaren and Renault pits.

*TEAM OF THE RACE: While Ferrari had a runaway victory, McLaren is leading the Constructor's Championship. Their double-podium finish, particularly after last year's relatively dismal season, certainly makes them look pretty shiny (or maybe that's just the paint job).

*MOVE OF THE RACE: For most of the race, we at F1 UPDATE! thought we were going to give this to Lewis Hamilton. His "I'm-inside-crap-theres-a-car-in-my-way-lets-go-outside-and-pass-my-teammate" move at the start of the race was altogether enjoyable to watch, but we frown on giving the MotR to events at race start. Fortunately for us, Felipe Massa saved our souls by just depantsing Nico Rosberg around lap 50. Pulled along by slipstream effect, Massa ran up on Rosberg, snapped to the inside so hard we thought something had broken, and zing!, the Brazillian was up and gone. We may never particularly like Felipe Massa here at F1 UPDATE!, but the man with the biggest eyebrows in the sport does know what to do behind the wheel.

*MOOOOOOO-OVE OF THE RACE: Celebrating the latent bovine behind the wheel of every racer, the Moooooo-ove goes to the most cowlike manuever seen. We thought we'd be giving this to Mark Webber and his spin into the pitlane, but this race's winner came a few laps later. David Coulthard's Chin, appropriately enough driving for RedBull, decided that he could make a pass on Man-Mountain Wurz from, oh, about half-a-mile back. Going into the turn, DC'sC ran inside on Wurz... very inside. Like "in the Williams' cockpit" inside. DC'sC wound up launching himself into the air and onto Man-Mountain's car, his front-left tire just missing the very exposed head of the tallest man in F1. Wurz slammed on the brakes, causing the RedBovine to slide off the nose of the Williams into the graveltrap, breaking off the front suspension of the RB3. The Williams continued on for another few laps before the damage caused did it in. For this frightening moment (another couple of inches back, and chances are Wurz would have been decapitated), we're pleased to give David Coulthard's Chin the season's inaugural Mooooooo-ove of the Race. Well done, lad.

*QUOTES OF THE RACE: more...

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Here in the US, the F1 season is mostly covered by SPEED Channel. The second Friday practice, Quals, and of course, the race, is the usual live coverage for 14 out of 18 races.

But, in the past, the other four races were televised by CBS. CBS provided their own announcers, and to be brutally honest, they stunk on ice. They sucked, and they sucked bad. The pictures, of course, were provided by the usual FIA feed, but the announcers were able to completely ruin even the most dramatic race (remember Imola 2005? Where Alonso held off Schumi for 13 or 14 laps? I don't... but I DO remember one of the announcers and his now-infamous "they're CRASHING over the curbs!" Over and OVER and OVER again...).

Well, NO MORE! Effective this season, the four races not broadcast on SPEED will be on FOX, who provide such astounding coverage of NASCAR races. But, more importantly, the announcers will be...

Bob Varsha. David Hobbs. Steve Matchett.

The Legendary Announce Team from SPEED, in other words. Even Peter "Smarmy" Windsor in the pitlane will be there.

But wait, there's more! Where CBS used to broadcast all four races on tape-delay, FOX will do two of them LIVE... the GP of Canada, and the USGP. The French and British GP will still be on tape-delay, however.

This might just get more people in the US watching... Mallory, the Official First Reader, e-mailed me to mention that the Legendary Announce Team is the reason she started watching F1 regularly; their insightful and funny commentary drew her in. The Pond's F1 coverage is an attempt to emulate their style.

This is VERY good news.

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A Champion is recrowned. A Legend retires. A Homecoming. And SuperAguri, too! Lets get to the final grand prix of the season, 'cause it's F1 UPDATE! time!!!

*MASSA VICTORIOUS, BUT ALONSO AND RENAULT WIN BIG: Showing that Kimi Raikonnen is only nominally going to be the #1 driver next year, Felipe Massa completely ran away with his home race, the first time a Brazillian driver (that's a lot of drivers!) has won in Sao Paolo since 1993... some guy named "Senna."
But Fernando Alonso ended up in second, meaning he has won the Driver's Championship twice in two years. Throw in Giancarlo Fisichella's sixth-place finish, and Renault locked up the Constructor's Championship to boot.

*SLAPPY DONE...: ...but not without a fight, and another patented 'Schumi Drive'. He started 10th, made it as high as sixth, suffered a tire failure that put him 70 seconds behind Massa, fought his way back up to FOURTH, and started to reel in third-place Jensen Button when he ran out of laps. And thus, a Legend ends his career, arguably the best ever.

INCONSISTENCY, THY NAME IS 'FIA': I quote from the FIA Sporting Regulations, Article 154: "After receiving the end-of-race signal all cars must proceed on the circuit directly to the post race parc ferme without stopping, without overtaking (unless clearly necessary), without receiving any object whatsoever and without any assistance (except that of the marshals if necessary)." After reading that carefully, we note that there are no exemptions for Brazillian flags (and that's a lot of flags!). Not to ruin a nice moment, but if you're going to penalize someone for (say) driving 100 meters in front of someone else and say they were 'blocking', shouldn't you penalize a driver for violating Article 154? Just asking.

*TEAM OF THE RACE: In lieu of any incredible performances in a race, we here at F1 UPDATE! reserve the right to give the TotR to whichever team it makes sense to give it to... and while it may pale in comparison to the Constructor's Championship, we believe Renault should get the TotR award for removing their hands from their throats and making it through the season. Well done, lads, and congratulations.

*DRIVE OF THE RACE: We're torn. Clearly Slappy's day deserves this award, but we would also like to note that Takuma Sato ended up in 10th, and it was no fluke as he turned in the 9th fastest lap of the day (and Sakon Yamamoto did the 7th fastest). Congrats Parky, but we're more impressed by a team's first top-10 finish than your eleventh 4th place finish (which is a pretty amazing stat, if you think about it).

*MOVE OF THE RACE: Not to seem like we're 'All Slappy, all the time' this week, but this goes to Schumi as well. We just can't choose between moves: either his pass of Giancarlo Fisichella on lap 8/9, where he got pushed almost entirely off the track at turn one (with plenty of clearance between their cars... at least two sheets of paper worth), or his pass of Raikkonen on lap 69, where he just up and muscled through for fourth. Either one is a worthy candidate for the Move of the Race!

*MOOOOOO-OOVE OF THE RACE: Celebrating the incidents that remind us that F1 drivers are human, and sometimes even below that, when they're in the cockpit, the Mooooooo-oove of the Race goes to that manuever that are most bovine in their hamhandedness (if we may juxtapose meats). There's no question about this one, folks. There's nothing we like better than seeing two teammates taking each other off, and that happened today with the Williams boys on lap 1. Nico Rosberg ran into the back of Mark Webber, taking the rear wing off of Webbo and losing his own nose in the process. Webber managed to make it back to the pits, where he retired from the race. Rosberg, on the other hand, tried to drive at speed back to the pit lane, and almost made it. However, he wound up losing control going into the last turn where his crash (a contender for 'wreck of the year') ended up bringing out a safety car and strewing carbon shards across the track... which would prove damaging to Schumi's thin championship hopes eight laps later. Well done, lads!

*QUOTES OF THE RACE: more...

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"Boy-what-a-shame-I-feel-sorry-for-Michael-poor-guy-what-a-horrible-break. *snort*" - Fernando Alonso. (Did anybody notice that his eyebrows are mismatched?)

"First I get a slow leak in a tire, then Michael's engine blows... something's fishy here, and we're going to get the FIA to investigate Renault because of it." - Felipe Massa (editor's note: hey, you KNOW they want to...).

"Ciao, Tonino. (weeps)" - Giancarlo Fisichella (editor's note: for what it's worth, F1 UPDATE! sends our condolences).

"I'm reasonably pleased with my fourth place here today." - Jensen Button. (note: real quote. Gee, ya think, Button?)

"Mmbrmbrmbl mmlblblmmlb mbblmrmrbml bmmlrrlrbm." - Kimi Raikkonen.

"Who'd think that we'd get 12 laps out of a pint of fuel? How else do you think we got on the 2nd row? Also, my hair looks fab." - Jarno Trulli.

"Jarno managed to get ahead of me on his new tyres and from then on I spent most of the day following him around the track. Chugga-chugga-chugga-whoo-whoooooooo!!!" - Ralf Schumacher. (note: real quote, except for the train sounds)

"My race was unspectacular." - Nick Heidfeld. (note: real quote. We can't make this up, folks.)

"AIIIIIIEEEEEEEEoh wait, I recovered. Nevermind." - Robert Kubica.

"Rookie of the year, right here! That's me. Rookie. Of. The. Year! Also, I'm good looking, rich and have great hair." - Nico (Wonderboy) Rosberg.

"Remember last year, when we were good? Yeah, good times, good times..." - Pete Rose.

"*glug glug glug glug* Ahhhhhhhh. *Ka-pshop* *glug glug glug glug*" - Rubens Barrichello.

“It ended up being quite lonely on the race track this afternoon. My heart is cryin',cryin' / Lonely teardrops / My pillows never dry of / Lonely teardrops / Come home, come home / Just say you will, say you will (say you will) / Say you will (say you will) / Hey, hey (say you will)..." - Robert Doorknob (and the RedBulls).

"*snapping fingers to the beat*" - Vitantonio Liuzzi.

"This is an absolutely fantastic result for the team - we could not have asked for anything more. It's good to be a Japanese F1 driver in Japan... I've finished 15th, and I'm getting more camera time than Felipe Massa. And every grid girl is going home with me tonight." - Takuma Sato, National Hero.

"I can't believe I'm behind Sato." - Tiago Montiero.

"I can't wait to drive Suzuka in F1 next year! It'll be great!" - Sakon Yamamoto. (someone really should tell him...)

"Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Spins are FUN!" - American Scott Speed.

"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" - Mark Webber.

"Now we are nine points behind in the Constructors’ classification and we will do all we can to win this title in Brazil. As for the Drivers,’ it is lost. I don’t want to head off for a race, hoping that my rival has to retire. That is not the way in which I want to win the title. Which is, I'll point out, how Fernando Alonso just won it, so *sizzle* you just got faced, Alonso." - Slappy Schumacher. (note: real quote)

"We were racing the Spyker team for most of the race. Pants." - David Coulthard's Chin. (note: he retired after he lost 4th gear, in case you were wondering... SPEED never told us.)

"The team will investigate what happened to cause my retirement." - Christijan Albers. (note: real quote. Dude, the rear of your car disintegrated when a shaft broke free. THAT'S what happened to cause your retirement.)

Well, that's the end of our coverage of Suzuka. Two weeks until Brazil and the end of the season!

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Oh my stars and garters! Let's not hesitate... ganbatte!

*SIX YEARS...: The last time Michael Schumacher had an engine failure was in 2000. Today, his first failure in 100+ races has probably cost him his eighth world championship. He was leading the race, with a good six second lead over 'Nando and pitstops completed, and ka-blammo! Have a nice retirement.

*TWO IN A ROW: It's going to take a miracle for Alonso to LOSE the championship now. For it to happen, Schumacher has to win Brazil, and Alonso has to earn no points. I just can't imagine that happening... but the results of today's race shows that just about anything CAN happen in a F1 race.

*TEAM OF THE RACE: Renault. First and third, a nine point lead in the Constructor's Championship, and a 10 point lead in the Driver's. It took a failure in the bulletproof Ferrari engine for it to happen, but they had a good race; can't keep that from them.

*DRIVE OF THE RACE: Takuma Sato, SuperAguri. Okay, yeah, 15th doesn't sound like much, but c'mon, this is SUPERAGURI we're talking about here. Nice job, Taku! Great to see ya on our screens again. (hat tip to Fuji TV's director)

*MOVE OF THE RACE: Fernando Alonso had been stuck behind Ralf Schumacher for the first 11 laps of the race. He had better straight-line speed, but had to keep falling back in sectors 2 and 3. Going down the straightaway towards Turn 1, he got a nice tow from the Toyota. He then went right to the edge on braking, slipped inside Ralf, and just outpowered him thru the esses. Very slick, very tight, and very well done.

*MOOOOOOO-OVE OF THE RACE: In a clean race, it's often difficult to name a winner of the MOOOOOOO-OVE , but today is different. On lap 40, coming off the final turn, Mark Webber made an unforced error, getting (in his words) "two inches" into the grass, at which point he lost the car completely. By the time the car stopped moving (and Webbo stopped mooooooo-oving), the left side of his Williams was mostly missing, scraped down to the framework and both tires hanging on only by their tethers. Nicely done, Mark! HONORABLE MENTION goes to the Spyker mechanic that forgot to tighten down the restraining nuts on that crankshaft that wound up tearing the rear off of Christijan Albers' car in one of the more dramatic breakdowns we've seen in a while. It looked like the right rear of the car just disappeared... and he still managed to get it to the pits.

*DRIVER QUOTES OF THE RACE: will be posted later Sunday.

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Holy hannah, now THAT was an interesting race! Lets just get right to it... it's F1 UPDATE! time!!!

*IT'S HARD TO DRIVE...: with your hands firmly around your throat, and that's sure what it looked like was happening at Renault today. Alonso's mysterious loss of speed (or "conserving his tires" as an unnamed Renault pitcrew member told Peter "Smarmy" Windsor), the right-rear screwup during the pitstop, even the failure of the monitors on the Renault team wall... all indicators of a team choking under the pressure. And what was that display on the podium? They couldn't even catch the champagne bottle that Alonso dropped to them!

*THAT GUY IS GONNA LEAD FERRARI?: I wonder if Luca diMontzemelo is wondering if he can talk Schumi out of retirement? Where the heck was Felipe Massa all weekend?

*TEAM OF THE RACE: Renault. Yes, we know we branded them as chokers at the start of this F1 UPDATE!, and we stand by that. However, they still had both drivers on the podium, and took the lead back in the Constructor's Championship. Credit where credit is due.

*DRIVE OF THE RACE: Michael Schumacher. He didn't have a chance in hell of winning this one. The weather was wrong for his tires. He was too far back on the grid. He's never had any success on this track. So all he did was pull out a drive that should have made your eyes water. No question, hands down, the best drive of the day and possibly the season.

*MOVE OF THE RACE: Jensen Button. Last lap of the race, he had already lost a spot due to a slight bobble and was staring at a 7th place finish. Then the 'gang of four' came up on Takuma Sato. Zip! Button dives off the dry line, sticks Heidfeld on a spit behind 'Suicide' Sato, and manages to keep the car pointing the right way despite worn tires and wet track. HONORABLE MENTION goes to a half-dozen others for a ton of impressive passes during the race, too many to list.

*MOOOOOOO-OOVE OF THE RACE: Celebrating the asinine, the NASCAR, the bovine in every F1 driver, the Moooooo-oove goes to the worst manuever of the race. We're considering changing the name of this to the Takuma Sato Memorial Award, as he's won this wayyyy too often, and today is no exception. While it allowed Button to earn his Move of the Race award, Taku's moo-ing and lowing on the last lap caused the only accident of the race and got him 'excluded' from the results. Lovely job, Taku!

*QUOTES OF THE RACE: more...

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Well.

*SCHUMACHER WINS, ANNOUNCES RETIREMENT: That about wraps the storyline, doesn't it? Like him or not, Michael Schumacher is arguably the greatest F1 driver of all time, and while he has been showing cracks in the armor (Australia and Hungary come to mind), he's still a top-flight driver. One gets the distinct impression that he's being pushed out the door by Ferrari -- the scene with Luca diMontezemalo after the race showed he's not all that thrilled with the head of the Fiat empire-- and now the question becomes "what next?"

*ALONSO KA-BLAMMO: Since there wasn't enough drama in the storyline, Fernando Alonso's catastrophic engine failure with eight laps to go means he now only has a two point lead in the driver's championship with three races to go. He has the advantage, but only barely.

*TEAM OF THE RACE: BMW-Sauber. Both cars in the points, a driver that wasn't even racing with the team at the beginning of the season on the podium? Can you even IMAGINE Sauber-Petronas doing that last year? Darn shame it happens in the race Schumi announces his retirement.

*DRIVE OF THE RACE: Robert Kubica, BMW-Sauber. Third race of his career, he leads a handful of laps, outdrives Felipe Massa for most of the day, and ends up third and on the podium? Brilliant job for the first Polish driver in F1 history! Suddenly Nico Rosberg's "rookie of the year" award seems to be in jeopardy, doesn't it? Honorable Mention goes to Michael Schumacher, just because.

*MOVE OF THE RACE: We here at F1 UPDATE! were beginning to despair of being able to name a winner for this award... and then the award was wrapped up and handed to us with a bow on top. Lap 41, Robert the Pole and 'Nando in third and fourth, respectively, come into the pits nose-to-tail for their final stop. Renault gets their man out a smidge faster, but Kubica pulls into the lane RIGHT NEXT to Alonso... and we get the odd sight of a pit-lane-limited drag race to the pit-out. They both hit the line at the same time, but Alonso, showing the consumate skill of a champion (and the remarkable acceleration and grip Renault has at no/low speed) gets the advantage and the place by the first turn braking zone. Of course, it all came to naught when his engine blew both banks a few laps later, but Alonso and his pit crew still gets the MotY.

*MOOOOOOOO-OOVE OF THE RACE: The celebration of the cud-chewing, milk-laden bovine lurking in every F1 driver, the Moooooo-oove for the Italian GP goes to Felipe Massa's attempt to follow Alonso engine-blown Renault thru the first chicane. He flatspots his tires, picks up chunks of powerplant with his front right tire, and drops out of the points at a time that Ferrari desperatly needs every point it can get. Felipe Massa, this Mooooo-oove's for you. (please note, we dislike giving this award to Massa. It truly wasn't his fault he couldn't see through all the smoke, it wasn't his fault his tire got spiked... but in a way, it was. He gets the award, but we're not really sold on it.)

QUOTES OF THE RACE: more...

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Two good races in a row, with two first-time winners? Be still my heart, and let's get to the Update!

*THIS WINNING STUFF IS KINDA COOL...: It took him 66 starts, but Felipe Massa is taking the Giant Gold Donut from Istanbul home with him. His celebration up there on the podium was stuff of legend, and we here at F1 UPDATE! thought he was going to try a stagedive when he ran out like that. That's twice in two races we've gotten true unbridled joy at a victory celebration, as opposed to Schumi's little "hop, I ween!" or Alonso's "look at me, I'm a matador/bull/kangaroo/ocelot/three-toed-sloth/whatever" pose. Much nicer.

*THE DOWNSIDE OF MASSA'S WIN: Anybody here doubt that if Parky got past Alonso, even if it was on the last lap, Massa would have 'had a spin' and lost the lead? Massa was never challenged, ran away and hid from the rest of the field, and Ferrari still would have made him give it up. That's just wrong.

*TEAM OF THE RACE: By position, this should go to Ferrari, but you just know that there's no happiness in that team right now. Renault actually thanked Fisichella for not running into Alonso, so that instantly DQs them. Which means that HONDA, for the 2nd week in a row, gets the nod. While the cameras were mostly on the two Ferraris and 'Nando, there were actually four cars that were the cream of the field, and Button's Honda was the 4th. He was within a few tenths of the first three's pace all race, and could have gotten a podium with a little luck. Rubens Barrichello's 8th place finish put a capper on the day.

*DRIVE OF THE RACE: Felipe Massa, Ferrari. First win, first pole, never challenged. Nicely done, lad. Hope your voice breaks soon.

*MOVE OF THE RACE: We here at F1 UPDATE! have a quandry. There were SO many good passes that we can't decide on one to award the MotR. We're leaning towards Kubica's pass of Rosberg on lap 4, but we're really not strong on it. Leave your favorite in the comments!

*MOOOOOOOOO-OVE OF THE RACE: Now THIS one, we've got no problems with. We're going to do something we've never done and award the Mooooo-ove to THE ENTIRE FIELD for the hijinks going into turn 1 at the start. It all began up front with the two Ferraris squeezing Alonso between them, causing him to slow and Fisi to jam on his brakes. This caused a chain reaction throughout the field, highlighted by Christian Klein's 'lock up all four tires and pray' spin that somehow didn't collect anybody else. American Scott Speed ended up backwards. Heidfeld nails Fisi. Everybody hits Kimi. Montiero and Sato kill each other dead. Ah, such wonderful carnage. A strong contender for Moooo-ove happened on lap 40. Robert Kubica and Mark Webber had been fighting for position for a few laps in what seemed to be evenly matched cars. Then, in quad-8, Kubica blew the line and wound up heading for the hills. Webber, laser-locked on Kubica's tail and forgetting the old adage "don't let the other guy drive your car," followed with his OWN off-track excursion, bringing derisive laughter from the F1 UPDATE! crew. Honorable Mention, lads.

*QUOTES OF THE RACE: more...

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Now THAT, my friends, is what it's all about. It's F1 UPDATE! time!!!

*BUTTON FLIES: It's been three years since the last Brit won a F1 race. It's been 113 races since Jensen Button came into the sport. But, finally, both streaks have come to an end in the most exciting race in F1 UPDATE!'s lifetime. The Hungarian Grand Prix had it all: drama, comedy, action, suspense, speed, strategy both good and bad, and sheer joy at the conclusion.

*FOR WANT OF A LUGNUT, THE CHAMPIONSHIP WAS LOST?: In a day that brought so many surprises, the biggest one was a Renault tireman forgetting to tighten a wheel nut. Fernando Alonso wasn't going to win today, but he had a chance to finish second and undo all the gains Ferrari had made over the past three races. Instead, Alonso wound up off the track with a tire about to fall it's axle, giving Ferrari a chance to salvage gains from the day. Has the stress gotten to Renault? Ask the right-rear tiregunner.

*TEAM OF THE RACE: Never has it been easier for F1 UPDATE! to choose a TotR: Fourth place for Rubino, and the first win for both Jensen Button and Honda's factory team? Honda, congratulations! It's been a long time coming.

*DRIVE OF THE RACE: The only way this award wasn't going to Robert Kubica today was if Jensen Button won. So what happens? Jensen Button started 14th, clawed his way up the field, drove a flawless race in trying conditions, and won his first Grand Prix. Jensen Button, you deserve the Drive of the Race for sure.

*MOVE OF THE RACE: Making it a clean sweep for the Honda team, today's MotR goes to Jensen Button for the second race in a row. Lap 7, when Jensen passed Michael Schumacher for 4th place. It wasn't the most amazing pass ever, but it WAS one of the most important in a race. Well done, lad!

*MOOOOOOO-OVE OF THE RACE: Celebrating that which can bring even the greatest driver back to earth, the bovine in every car, the MOOOO-OVE is the worst driving incident in every race. Today's Mooo-ove came on lap 26. Kimi Raikkonen is about to lap Vitantonio Liuzzi when the Man of Ice apparently is distracted by something bright and shiny, perhaps his own car. For whatever reason it was, the Kimister just ran over the Toro Rosso, getting airborne in the process, and showering the track with carbon fiber shards, pieces of suspension, and chunks of Raikonnen's reputation. Well DONE, lad! Here's your Moooo-ove, and you might want to avoid Liuzzi for a while; he looked fit to kill.

*QUOTES OF THE RACE: more...

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Hockenheim. Michael Schumacher. Runaway? Lets get to the UPDATE!!!

*CURSING A RED STREAK: The lights went green, Raikkonen pitted after 9 laps due to a broken fuel sensor that meant his McLaren qualified on nearly empty tanks, and the two Ferraris disappeared over the (metaphorical) hills. At that point, it was only a question of how much Parky would win by, and how far down in the pack would Alonso be. The answer was ugly for Renault.

*A HOCKEY PUCK IN A COFFEE CAN?: That's how Legendary Announce Team Member Steve Matchett described Renault's 'mass damper' system. It was legal to begin the year, the FIA Race Stewards still believe it to be legal, but Charlie Whiting's prevaricating forced Renault to take the device off their front suspension. It is hard to believe that a change like that could be enough to make the Renault slower than molasses in January, but there it is. They've already stated that they're going back on the car for Hungary, but they've already lost the points they could have had in Hockenheim. Already the conspiricy theorists are muttering that Ross Brawn, a longtime drinking buddy of Grand Moff Whiting, casually brought the devices back to Charlie's attention...

*TEAM OF THE RACE: We here at F1 UPDATE! so don't want to give this to Ferrari, but for the love of Zsolt, who else can we give it to? Top two steps of the podium, and Renault has to be running scared.

*DRIVE OF THE RACE: Kimi Raikkonen, McLaren. It sure FEELS like his first podium of the season. This despite the fuel problem already mentioned, a ridiculously long first pitstop (of three) due to a tiregun problem (does it seem like that's happening a lot recently), and being well and truly ensnared in traffic afterwards. He still somehow brought his car home in third, and a hearty well done indeed.

*MOVE OF THE RACE: Oh, this one was sweet. It's lap one, and Fernando Alonso swooped by Jensen Button's Honda so easily that the Renault driver must have relaxed. Button, blood in his eye and a rejuvenated Honda under his butt, said "Oh no you dint!" and blew the Renault's (metaphorical) doors to Berlin with a sweet power mover on the inside of the turn. Well done, Jense. Now win something, will ya?

*MOOOOOOO-OOVE OF THE RACE: This just wasn't Ralf Schumacher's race. First he wrecks Pete Rose in quals. Then he pulls out into the pitlane, nearly sticking the nose of his Toyota into Jensen Button's cockpit. THEN, in the race, he's racing into the hairpin and sticks his front-left tire just in front of David Coulthard's Chin's right-rear in a move very similar to the way he massacred Pete Rose in quals. You could hear the *PUNT* sound effect in Hamburg. The Red Bull caught massive-wicked air, nearly flipped, and landed HARD on it's wheels. How the suspension didn't fold like a pretzel is beyond us at F1 UPDATE!... we guess Red Bull really DOES give you wings..., but for his lousy weekend, we are proud to award the MOOOOO-OOVE to Ralf Schumacher. Honorable mention goes to Nico "Wonderboy" Rosberg for his surprise left-hand turn at a right-hander that ended his day; a second honorable mention goes to the BMW drivers for deciding that they should run into each other. Well done, lads.

*QUOTES OF THE RACE: more...

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