May 13, 2007

F1 UPDATE!: SPAIN

After that short (four week) digression, it's time for F1 UPDATE! Read on, brave stalwart...

*LEAD ON, MACDUFF: No passing at all. Winner runs away at the start and is never on screen. Most exciting race of the season. Only in F1.

*...AND A CHILD SHALL LEAD THEM: Hi, do you know me? I'm the youngest driver in the history of F1 to ever lead in the championship points race. I've been on the podium of every F1 race I've ever been in, but some people don't know my face. I'm Lewis Hamilton, and if F1 was based in the USA instead of Europe, I'd be more famous than God...

*OH, DID ANYBODY NOTICE...?: OMGWTFSA07CP1!!!!

*DRIVER OF THE RACE: Felipe Massa deserves this award for getting the Spanish Grand Slam (pole, fast lap of race, race victory). We just hate giving it to someone who was never really challenged, and was even able to turn the RPMs on his engine down 10 laps before the end of the race. So instead, we'll give it to Nick Heidfeld for being able to drive one entire lap without a wheel nut on his BMW's front right tire... and managing to keep the thing on the axle. (Pssst! You can't give it to someone that didn't finish the race! Oh. Then it's Massa.)

*TEAM OF THE RACE: Was there ever any doubt? Congratulations to F1 UPDATE!'s favorite team, SuperAguri, for earning their first ever championship point!

*MOVE OF THE RACE: Around lap 20, Vitantonio Liuzzi had some sort of problem that would lead to his retirement. He managed to get himself into the pitlane entry, but at a very slow pace. At the Barcelona track, the pitlane entry has a blind turn. David Coulthard's Chin came swinging into the pits at speed, came upon Liuzzi's crippled car, somehow managed to avoid ramming either the Toro Rosso OR the wall, AND still managed to slow down to pitlane speed. For this example of car-handling skill, and because there were no on-track examples of car-handling skill, DC'sC gets the MotR!

*MOOOOOOOO-OOVE OF THE RACE: The polar opposite of the Move of the Race, the Mooooooo-oove celebrates the bovine lurking in every F1 team. We here at F1 UPDATE! were fearing that we had to award this to the pit crews of BMW and Ferrari for their inept actions (BMW screwed up Nick Heidfeld's race by letting him leave BEFORE his front-right tire was actually attached to the car, Ferrari nearly caused a disasterous pit-lane fire by letting Massa go before the fuel hose was removed from his car; as it was, he drove away with a few gallons blazing on the side of his Ferrari). Fortunately, however, the Honda Boyz saved our bacon when Jensen Button came out of the pits just behind his teammate Rubens Barrichello. Going into turn one, Barrichello slowed for the turn, and Button, distracted by something bright and shiny on the side of the track, ran into the back of him, launching his front wing into orbit. WELL DONE, lads, well done... a Mooooo-oove well-deserved!

*DRIVER QUOTES OF THE RACE: "Oh yeah, who's the man? Er, okay, who's the pre-pubescent man? Woo(crack)hooo!" - Felipe Massa.

"I'm living the dream, y'know? Four podiums, I'm leading the F1 driver's championship, I'm handsome and rich, any of you would kill to be me. Thank you." - Lewis Hamilton.

"Um. Hello? Anybody? I'm here, too, y'know. It's my home race... interview me? Don't make me cry." - Fernando Alonso (who, in the post-race interview, looked like he was going to cry).

"Pierogies and kielbasa for everybody!" - Robert Kubica.

"I had no third gear. So much for the seamless-bloody-shift gearbox." - David Coulthard's Chin.

"My best finish ever! Remember when I was the hot rookie in F1? That's why I'm called 'Wonderboy,' y'know? Whatever happened to that time?" - Nico Rosberg.

"This is MY best finish ever! Difference is, I'm NEVER going to be the hot rookie in F1... that's Lewis Hamilton's job." - Heikki Koveleinineanienian.

"I don't have the words really - just one year plus four races, scoring one point in a head-to-head straight fight - beating Renault and grabbing the point. I just never expected this result, I'm really deeply proud of the work the team has done. I just cannot describe how happy we are and a point means much more than anything else for us and this is an absolutely fantastic result. When I saw Giancarlo coming down the pitlane and I was a fraction ahead of him, it was just fantastic. Well done everybody." - Takuma (Super)Sato. (note: real quote)

"It was a really tough afternoon for me... I finished BEHIND a SuperAguri, for god's sake, thank you EVER so much for asking." - Giancarlo Fisichella.

"*sob*" - Rubens Barrichello.

"OMGWTFSA07CP1!!!! What the hell does that mean?!?!" - Ant Davidson.

"It's all Rubens' fault. How dare he actually... ooooh! Something shiny! Sorry, what was the question again?" - Jensen Button. (note: OH-ver-RAY-ted! *clap, clap, clapclapclap*)

"OMG! I SO finished the race! Like, OMG, dude!" - Adrian Sutil.

"It's all a conspiracy. The FIA blue-flagged me for going too fast in the pitlane? The Spyker can't GO that fast in the first place! I wonder if I can get back into Minardi, it's gotta be better than this team..." - Christijan Albers.

"For some reason the front right wheel was loose, we have to look at it how this happened." - Nick Heidfeld. (note: it's because you were allowed to leave before the wheelgunner was done, Nick.)

"It would have been worth the blue flag to have run Slappy over... if only I had realized that was him. Mom always liked him best..." - Ralf Schumacher.

"Dude. Hydraulics. Bogus." - Vitantonio Liuzzi.

"Tire go boom." - American Scott Speed.

"Mrmmblm mrmbll mrmrmrmbblmmblbl fft." - Kimi Raikkonen.

" 'Keep the revs up IF the engine starts'? What kind of instruction is that?" - Jarno Trulli (referencing the start of the race).

"Pants. Just frickin' pants. Why the hell does this keep happening to ME?" - Mark Webber.

"WURZ CRASH. AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" - Alexander (Man-Mountain) Wurz.

So that's it for the UPDATE! this race; in two weeks' time, we're off to Monaco! See you then!

Posted by: Wonderduck at 05:08 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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1 Another excellent F1 UPDATE!

Passing the Puffs to Alonso. ;-)

Posted by: Mallory at May 14, 2007 01:05 AM (KJzva)

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