Allegedly, there was a Grand Prix today. Let's take a look, shall we?

*ZING WENT THE STRINGS...: ...but YAWN went the F1 UPDATE! crew. Monte Carlo always has the ability to turn into a snoozefest, but this one was particularly bad. How bad?

We fell asleep on the F1 UPDATE! couch.

*SEE CHAMELEON, LYING THERE IN THE SUN. ALL THINGS TO EVERYONE...: McLaren completely dominated the race, sprinting away at the lights. By the time the carnage was over, they had a one minute, five second lead over Felipe Massa in third.

A lap of the course only takes one minute, 15 seconds. Chew on that for a minute... and you STILL won't have caught up with the McLarens.

(note: bonus points to the first reader to tell us what song the headline is from)

*DRIVER OF THE RACE: American Scott Speed. There's been a Scott Speed sighting! Started 18th, finished 9th, and stayed on Kimi Raikkonen's Ferrari the entire race. Terrible result for Raikkonen, great for Speed.

*TEAM OF THE RACE: McLaren. They didn't short-fuel, gambling on rain. They came up with the perfect setup for Monte Carlo and just completely dominated the race... and they say they've got still MORE speed in hand. If so, this season is over, so complete was the thrashing.

*MOVE OF THE RACE: There was no passing to be seen today. The MotR will go to Fernando Alonso for being able to get his car off the line when the lights go green. By the end of the first lap, he had 1.75 seconds in hand and the race was over.

Yeah, it was that bad.

*MOOOOOOOO-OOVE OF THE RACE: There were no stunning examples of bad driving, so we give the Mooooo-oove to Team Spyker, just because.

*SELECTED DRIVER QUOTES OF THE RACE: more...

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After that short (four week) digression, it's time for F1 UPDATE! Read on, brave stalwart...

*LEAD ON, MACDUFF: No passing at all. Winner runs away at the start and is never on screen. Most exciting race of the season. Only in F1.

*...AND A CHILD SHALL LEAD THEM: Hi, do you know me? I'm the youngest driver in the history of F1 to ever lead in the championship points race. I've been on the podium of every F1 race I've ever been in, but some people don't know my face. I'm Lewis Hamilton, and if F1 was based in the USA instead of Europe, I'd be more famous than God...

*OH, DID ANYBODY NOTICE...?: OMGWTFSA07CP1!!!!

*DRIVER OF THE RACE: Felipe Massa deserves this award for getting the Spanish Grand Slam (pole, fast lap of race, race victory). We just hate giving it to someone who was never really challenged, and was even able to turn the RPMs on his engine down 10 laps before the end of the race. So instead, we'll give it to Nick Heidfeld for being able to drive one entire lap without a wheel nut on his BMW's front right tire... and managing to keep the thing on the axle. (Pssst! You can't give it to someone that didn't finish the race! Oh. Then it's Massa.)

*TEAM OF THE RACE: Was there ever any doubt? Congratulations to F1 UPDATE!'s favorite team, SuperAguri, for earning their first ever championship point!

*MOVE OF THE RACE: Around lap 20, Vitantonio Liuzzi had some sort of problem that would lead to his retirement. He managed to get himself into the pitlane entry, but at a very slow pace. At the Barcelona track, the pitlane entry has a blind turn. David Coulthard's Chin came swinging into the pits at speed, came upon Liuzzi's crippled car, somehow managed to avoid ramming either the Toro Rosso OR the wall, AND still managed to slow down to pitlane speed. For this example of car-handling skill, and because there were no on-track examples of car-handling skill, DC'sC gets the MotR!

*MOOOOOOOO-OOVE OF THE RACE: The polar opposite of the Move of the Race, the Mooooooo-oove celebrates the bovine lurking in every F1 team. We here at F1 UPDATE! were fearing that we had to award this to the pit crews of BMW and Ferrari for their inept actions (BMW screwed up Nick Heidfeld's race by letting him leave BEFORE his front-right tire was actually attached to the car, Ferrari nearly caused a disasterous pit-lane fire by letting Massa go before the fuel hose was removed from his car; as it was, he drove away with a few gallons blazing on the side of his Ferrari). Fortunately, however, the Honda Boyz saved our bacon when Jensen Button came out of the pits just behind his teammate Rubens Barrichello. Going into turn one, Barrichello slowed for the turn, and Button, distracted by something bright and shiny on the side of the track, ran into the back of him, launching his front wing into orbit. WELL DONE, lads, well done... a Mooooo-oove well-deserved!

*DRIVER QUOTES OF THE RACE: more...

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