"Boy-what-a-shame-I-feel-sorry-for-Michael-poor-guy-what-a-horrible-break. *snort*" - Fernando Alonso. (Did anybody notice that his eyebrows are mismatched?)

"First I get a slow leak in a tire, then Michael's engine blows... something's fishy here, and we're going to get the FIA to investigate Renault because of it." - Felipe Massa (editor's note: hey, you KNOW they want to...).

"Ciao, Tonino. (weeps)" - Giancarlo Fisichella (editor's note: for what it's worth, F1 UPDATE! sends our condolences).

"I'm reasonably pleased with my fourth place here today." - Jensen Button. (note: real quote. Gee, ya think, Button?)

"Mmbrmbrmbl mmlblblmmlb mbblmrmrbml bmmlrrlrbm." - Kimi Raikkonen.

"Who'd think that we'd get 12 laps out of a pint of fuel? How else do you think we got on the 2nd row? Also, my hair looks fab." - Jarno Trulli.

"Jarno managed to get ahead of me on his new tyres and from then on I spent most of the day following him around the track. Chugga-chugga-chugga-whoo-whoooooooo!!!" - Ralf Schumacher. (note: real quote, except for the train sounds)

"My race was unspectacular." - Nick Heidfeld. (note: real quote. We can't make this up, folks.)

"AIIIIIIEEEEEEEEoh wait, I recovered. Nevermind." - Robert Kubica.

"Rookie of the year, right here! That's me. Rookie. Of. The. Year! Also, I'm good looking, rich and have great hair." - Nico (Wonderboy) Rosberg.

"Remember last year, when we were good? Yeah, good times, good times..." - Pete Rose.

"*glug glug glug glug* Ahhhhhhhh. *Ka-pshop* *glug glug glug glug*" - Rubens Barrichello.

“It ended up being quite lonely on the race track this afternoon. My heart is cryin',cryin' / Lonely teardrops / My pillows never dry of / Lonely teardrops / Come home, come home / Just say you will, say you will (say you will) / Say you will (say you will) / Hey, hey (say you will)..." - Robert Doorknob (and the RedBulls).

"*snapping fingers to the beat*" - Vitantonio Liuzzi.

"This is an absolutely fantastic result for the team - we could not have asked for anything more. It's good to be a Japanese F1 driver in Japan... I've finished 15th, and I'm getting more camera time than Felipe Massa. And every grid girl is going home with me tonight." - Takuma Sato, National Hero.

"I can't believe I'm behind Sato." - Tiago Montiero.

"I can't wait to drive Suzuka in F1 next year! It'll be great!" - Sakon Yamamoto. (someone really should tell him...)

"Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Spins are FUN!" - American Scott Speed.

"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" - Mark Webber.

"Now we are nine points behind in the Constructors’ classification and we will do all we can to win this title in Brazil. As for the Drivers,’ it is lost. I don’t want to head off for a race, hoping that my rival has to retire. That is not the way in which I want to win the title. Which is, I'll point out, how Fernando Alonso just won it, so *sizzle* you just got faced, Alonso." - Slappy Schumacher. (note: real quote)

"We were racing the Spyker team for most of the race. Pants." - David Coulthard's Chin. (note: he retired after he lost 4th gear, in case you were wondering... SPEED never told us.)

"The team will investigate what happened to cause my retirement." - Christijan Albers. (note: real quote. Dude, the rear of your car disintegrated when a shaft broke free. THAT'S what happened to cause your retirement.)

Well, that's the end of our coverage of Suzuka. Two weeks until Brazil and the end of the season!

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