July 31, 2006

F1 UPDATE!: GERMANY!!!

Hockenheim. Michael Schumacher. Runaway? Lets get to the UPDATE!!!

*CURSING A RED STREAK: The lights went green, Raikkonen pitted after 9 laps due to a broken fuel sensor that meant his McLaren qualified on nearly empty tanks, and the two Ferraris disappeared over the (metaphorical) hills. At that point, it was only a question of how much Parky would win by, and how far down in the pack would Alonso be. The answer was ugly for Renault.

*A HOCKEY PUCK IN A COFFEE CAN?: That's how Legendary Announce Team Member Steve Matchett described Renault's 'mass damper' system. It was legal to begin the year, the FIA Race Stewards still believe it to be legal, but Charlie Whiting's prevaricating forced Renault to take the device off their front suspension. It is hard to believe that a change like that could be enough to make the Renault slower than molasses in January, but there it is. They've already stated that they're going back on the car for Hungary, but they've already lost the points they could have had in Hockenheim. Already the conspiricy theorists are muttering that Ross Brawn, a longtime drinking buddy of Grand Moff Whiting, casually brought the devices back to Charlie's attention...

*TEAM OF THE RACE: We here at F1 UPDATE! so don't want to give this to Ferrari, but for the love of Zsolt, who else can we give it to? Top two steps of the podium, and Renault has to be running scared.

*DRIVE OF THE RACE: Kimi Raikkonen, McLaren. It sure FEELS like his first podium of the season. This despite the fuel problem already mentioned, a ridiculously long first pitstop (of three) due to a tiregun problem (does it seem like that's happening a lot recently), and being well and truly ensnared in traffic afterwards. He still somehow brought his car home in third, and a hearty well done indeed.

*MOVE OF THE RACE: Oh, this one was sweet. It's lap one, and Fernando Alonso swooped by Jensen Button's Honda so easily that the Renault driver must have relaxed. Button, blood in his eye and a rejuvenated Honda under his butt, said "Oh no you dint!" and blew the Renault's (metaphorical) doors to Berlin with a sweet power mover on the inside of the turn. Well done, Jense. Now win something, will ya?

*MOOOOOOO-OOVE OF THE RACE: This just wasn't Ralf Schumacher's race. First he wrecks Pete Rose in quals. Then he pulls out into the pitlane, nearly sticking the nose of his Toyota into Jensen Button's cockpit. THEN, in the race, he's racing into the hairpin and sticks his front-left tire just in front of David Coulthard's Chin's right-rear in a move very similar to the way he massacred Pete Rose in quals. You could hear the *PUNT* sound effect in Hamburg. The Red Bull caught massive-wicked air, nearly flipped, and landed HARD on it's wheels. How the suspension didn't fold like a pretzel is beyond us at F1 UPDATE!... we guess Red Bull really DOES give you wings..., but for his lousy weekend, we are proud to award the MOOOOO-OOVE to Ralf Schumacher. Honorable mention goes to Nico "Wonderboy" Rosberg for his surprise left-hand turn at a right-hander that ended his day; a second honorable mention goes to the BMW drivers for deciding that they should run into each other. Well done, lads.

*QUOTES OF THE RACE: "Ve are the Red Army, and ve will KRUSH YOU. Oh, sorry, got carried away. But we will." - Michael Schumacher.

"What he said." - Felipe Massa.

"mmrmmbmlbl mrmmbl mrmmmmoblilp *gargggle*" - Kimi Raikkonen.

"I'm Jensen Button, the Great English Hope. Fourth is good." - Jensen Button ("OH-ver-RAY-ted" clap-clap-clapclapclap "OH-ver-RAY-ted" clap-clap-clapclapclap. - F1 UPDATE! crew)

"I need my Hockey Puck in a Coffee Can! And some tires." - Fernando Alonso.

"I was faster than Alonso, and in a just world, I would have been fifth. DAMN those nonexistent 'team orders.' " - Giancarlo Fisichella.

"If I didn't keep starting from the back of the grid, I might be dangerous." - Jarno Trulli.

"I've got TWO WHOLE POINTS! YAY ME!" - Christian Klien. (Parky is heard in the background: "I get that many points going to the bathroom.")

"Wheeeeee! Bumpercars are FUN!" - Ralf Schumacher.

"That was a cool race! On the first lap I was on fire!" - Vitantonio Liuzzi (note: real quote).

...AND NOW, THE QUOTE OF THE SEASON...

"I started 10th and finished 11th. That was my race and I’ve nothing more to say.” - David Coulthard's Chin. (note: real quote. Also note: this was literally his entire post-race statement. How can you NOT like DC'sC?)

"I don't know if you knew this, but I'm from Mantica, California." - American Scott Speed.

"I think we had a reasonably good race result. It was quite... wait, what do you MEAN, I've been excluded?" - Christijan Albers.

"This was definitely not a great track for us, because it requires braking and acceleration, which is a weak point for us. Other than that, we're fine. Wait, what do you MEAN, I've been excluded?" - Tiago Montiero. (note: Midlands was kicked out of the race after post-race testing showed that they were using flexible rear wings)

"I'd just like to say one thing: DAMMIT!!! GOD FRICKING DAMMIT!!! CAN ANYBODY MAKE A CAR AROUND HERE THAT'LL FINISH A DAMN RACE?!?! *pause* Thank you." - Mark Webber.

"SA06 good. Gearbox bad. Oh well. Sooner or later..." - Takuma Sato.

"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!*crunch*" - Jacques Villeneuve.

"Next time, I'll bring marshmallows! Mmm... marshmallows and beer. Lots and lots of beer. Why did I leave Ferrari again? *sob*" - Rubens Barrichello.

"But the brakes were also damaged. The pedal became longer and longer, so it was too dangerous to continue." - Nick Heidfeld (and the return of the Porn Star of Brake Pedals)

"I'll give you 3-to-1 odds that I'll finish the next race." - Pete Rose.

"So lets see... first I wreck the new SA06 in practice. Then I DNF the rebuilt SA06 after one lap. Yep, this SuperAguri stuff is going great, isn't it?" - Sakon Yamamoto.

"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE*crunch*!!!" - Nico Rosberg.

So that's it for Hockenheim. Hungary is just around the corner, see ya this weekend!

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