June 25, 2006

F1 UPDATE!: Canada

Finally, a tense race that actually held the attention! That was the Canadian Grand Prix, and THIS... is F1 UPDATE!

*A TIRE-D TALE: So they always say that the tires on a F1 car are amazing technological marvels that change every race, that mean the difference between winning and losing. But every year, you get a race where the tire manufacturers just pee it down their fireproof suit. Last year, obviously, it was the US Grand Prix. This year, the Canadian GP seems to be that race. We here at F1 UPDATE! have never seen so much rubber lying around a course as we did today. Marbles everywhere, to the point that it was obviously dangerous to leave the racing line. Witness the end of Jack Newtown's day: forced to swoop around Ralf's laboring Toyota, he got into the marbles and wound up trying to wedge his car between two pieces of concrete wall. Or Kimi Raikkonen fishtailing out of 2nd place in the slowest corner of the track. Or, well, Ralf Schumacher, in a car that Toyota just could not dial in because the rear tires couldn't grip superglue, let alone asphalt...

*WALL OF CHAMPIONS GOT ONE: and almost a second. JP Montoya left his right rear suspension in Montreal, stuck into the wall of fame. Michael Schumacher ALMOST came a cropper in the same place, whitewalling both rightside tires, but somehow keeping them both attached to the car. Another atom or two more to the right...

*TEAM OF THE RACE: Renault. The past two years, Renault hasn't managed to finish this race with either of their cars. This year, they win and finish fourth. Nicely done, boys. An unofficial tip o' the cap to Michelin for their 100th F1 win, too.

*DRIVER OF THE RACE: We are proud to give this award to David Coulthard's Chin. Starting from the back of the grid due to an engine change, The Chin managed to finish in the points AND be stylish doing so (see below). Honorable Mention to Fernando Alonso for his dominating win.

*MOVE OF THE RACE: David Coulthard's Chin, for his late-race pass of Jensen Button, catching him after a mistake and pushing by in a difficult place on the track, and making it look a LOT easier than it was. Honorable mention goes to Felipe Massa his pass of Jensen Button on lap 26. Just not Button's day.

*MOOOOOOO-OOVE OF THE RACE: Celebrating the mundane, the perverse, the amazingly BOVINE of the F1 world, the MOOOO-OVE is awarded to the worst or most comical manuever of the race. Today, we at F1 UPDATE! had a hard, hard decision. After long deliberations, multiple ballots, and not a little bit of blood, we give the prize to the two Midland MF1 drivers, Christijan Albers and Tiago Montierio, for managing to take themselves out of the race via collision... with each other! On the first lap! FOR THE SECOND TIME THIS YEAR! BRA-frickin'-VO! Honorable mention goes to Toyota and Ralf Schumacher, for their "let the kindergartners do the setup" approach to the race, resulting in five spins, laps that were slower than Super Aguri's, and at least one accident. Another Honorable Mention goes to the McLaren pitcrew. They coughed up a hairball on both JP Montoya AND Kimi Raikkonen. They just don't DO that...


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June 12, 2006


..and now it's time for everybody's favorite part of F1 UPDATE!, the *QUOTES OF THE RACE:

"Get used to it, boys, I'll be here all season long." - Fernando Alonso.

"Even though I am twenty three points behind Alonso, I don’t think the fight for the championship is over. I also don't think that stopping on the track to slow my competetors down during qualifying is wrong, so take that for what it's worth." - Michael "Parky" Schumacher.

"Mmrmmbrbmb brmmrmbmm mbrbmmbrbldbm." - Kimi Raikonnen.

"PLEASE let me drive Renault next year! PLEE-HE-HE-HEEEESE!!!" - Giancarlo Fisichella.

"I did not have any particular problems during the race, even though I had no more sets of new tyres, having used all of them in free practice and qualifying." - Felipe Massa, finding new ways to blame anything but himself.

"Mmmm... perforated McLaren no drive so good." - JP Montoya, who actually had a pretty good race, considering the swiss cheese Jack Newtown made of his right sidepod

"Can someone tell me how my start went? I had my eyes closed." - Quick Nick Heidfeld.

"People told me married men go slower, but I think it is the opposite!" - Jack Newtown in a real quote. His wife confirms, he's still fast.

"Last year, I was on the podium all the time. This year, I'm not. F1 is hard!" - Nico Rosberg, expecting us to feel sorry for him, maybe?

"*incoherent sobbing*" - Rubens Barrichello.

"It was always going to be a hard day's work out there from the back of the grid, but I enjoyed it." - Jarno Trulli, in a real quote. Of course he enjoyed it; there were no expectations of him.

"Bitchbitchbitchbitchpantsbitch." - David Coulthard's Chin.

"BlahblahblahblahblahV10blahblahblahblah. So, to sum it up - a good result." - Vitantonio Liuzzi, in a paraphrasing of his real quote.

"The race was a disaster for me. In fact, much of my career has been a disaster for me, so I don't know why this is much of a surprise." - Christian Klien.

"Our start was terrible: everybody passed me when I let out the clutch and I had to overtake two Super Aguris on the first lap..." - Christijan Albers, discovering that life could be worse...

"I used all my tires during quals. Who knew making it to the second round would make life so difficult?" - Tiago Montiero.

"We were quite off the pace today and it was a tough race for us." - Takuma Sato. SuperAguri is considering making this their motto.

"We were quite off the pace today and it was a tough race for us." - Franck "The Barber" Montagnie.

"Don't tell the engineers... I planned the engine blowup. Wanted to get a good seat for the WC match." - Jensen Button, English to the end.

"I don't think he was expecting me to be there." - American Scott Speed, passing the buck to...



And so, the British GP comes to an end, as does this edition of F1 UPDATE! We'll be back for the Canadian GP, though, so don't you go nowhere!

Well, you can go to work, and stuff. We don't expect you to click refresh 24 hours a day for the next 14 days, after all...

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June 11, 2006

F1 UPDATE!: Silverstone

Wow. Boy, that wasn't very interesting, was it? Still and all, it's time for F1 UPDATE!!!

*MICHAEL WHO?: Fernando Alonso beat the pants off of everybody his... um... 217th straight win. He can now fail to finish in both the Canadian and the US Grands Prix, and still have 3 point lead over Michael Schumacher, assuming Parky wins both. Parky can win every race from here on out, and if Alonso finishes 2nd in all of them he'll win the championship. Pretty amazing stuff.

*CBS BLOWS IT AGAIN: AGAIN with the "crashing over the curbs," Derek Daly? Can somebody PLEASE hand him a thesaurus? And maybe some talent? This race was excruciatingly bad from the announcers... I mean, Yuji Ide-level bad. Icepick to the eardrums bad. Jordan-bad. Thank heavens that this was the last one of these tortures we'll have to endure, though chances are we'll have Daly inflicted upon us as a pitlane reporter at the USGP.

*DRIVER OF THE RACE: Fernando Alonso, Renault. We'll probably find out just how good he is next year, when he sits in a McLaren, but as of right now, he's the King of F1. He almost had the 'race triple-crown' of winning from pole, leading every lap, and setting fast lap today, missing by one Giancarlo Fisichella lap led. (editor's note: I DID get the hat-trick in a McLaren at Imola over at BATracer... it was pretty cool. Also won by 58 seconds...)

*TEAM OF THE RACE: Renault. Again with the race-dominating? This is getting boring, guys... can you program a meeting with the Wall of Champions next race, please? Thanks.

*MOVE OF THE RACE: Jensen Button on lap 6 stuck to the rear of Vitantonio Liuzzi thru Becketts (at 5Gs!) and whipped past him in Stowe. Pretty flash Jense! Three laps later, he was out of the race. Honorable mention goes to Nick Heidfeld's start. He dodged left, then dove right across the track and picked up two places. Awesome stuff from BMW-Sauber. Now if only Derek Daly hadn't managed to piss the excitement away by incessantly calling you "Quick Nick." Yes, that's his nickname, Derek. Calling him that 8 times in 3 minutes doesn't make you sound any more of an insider.

*MOOOOOOOO-VE OF THE RACE: There Can Be Only One: American Scott Speed, I'm looking at you. "It was a racing incident, I guess he didn't see me," quoth Scott after the accident that spun Ralfy-boy into Mark Webber, taking out all three cars. Um, Scott? Do you REALLY expect someone to be looking over their right shoulder... IN BECKETTS? Congrats, lad, not only did you drive like a cow, you sounded stupid, too. Nice job!

The QUOTES OF THE RACE will be posted Monday!

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