July 31, 2006


Hockenheim. Michael Schumacher. Runaway? Lets get to the UPDATE!!!

*CURSING A RED STREAK: The lights went green, Raikkonen pitted after 9 laps due to a broken fuel sensor that meant his McLaren qualified on nearly empty tanks, and the two Ferraris disappeared over the (metaphorical) hills. At that point, it was only a question of how much Parky would win by, and how far down in the pack would Alonso be. The answer was ugly for Renault.

*A HOCKEY PUCK IN A COFFEE CAN?: That's how Legendary Announce Team Member Steve Matchett described Renault's 'mass damper' system. It was legal to begin the year, the FIA Race Stewards still believe it to be legal, but Charlie Whiting's prevaricating forced Renault to take the device off their front suspension. It is hard to believe that a change like that could be enough to make the Renault slower than molasses in January, but there it is. They've already stated that they're going back on the car for Hungary, but they've already lost the points they could have had in Hockenheim. Already the conspiricy theorists are muttering that Ross Brawn, a longtime drinking buddy of Grand Moff Whiting, casually brought the devices back to Charlie's attention...

*TEAM OF THE RACE: We here at F1 UPDATE! so don't want to give this to Ferrari, but for the love of Zsolt, who else can we give it to? Top two steps of the podium, and Renault has to be running scared.

*DRIVE OF THE RACE: Kimi Raikkonen, McLaren. It sure FEELS like his first podium of the season. This despite the fuel problem already mentioned, a ridiculously long first pitstop (of three) due to a tiregun problem (does it seem like that's happening a lot recently), and being well and truly ensnared in traffic afterwards. He still somehow brought his car home in third, and a hearty well done indeed.

*MOVE OF THE RACE: Oh, this one was sweet. It's lap one, and Fernando Alonso swooped by Jensen Button's Honda so easily that the Renault driver must have relaxed. Button, blood in his eye and a rejuvenated Honda under his butt, said "Oh no you dint!" and blew the Renault's (metaphorical) doors to Berlin with a sweet power mover on the inside of the turn. Well done, Jense. Now win something, will ya?

*MOOOOOOO-OOVE OF THE RACE: This just wasn't Ralf Schumacher's race. First he wrecks Pete Rose in quals. Then he pulls out into the pitlane, nearly sticking the nose of his Toyota into Jensen Button's cockpit. THEN, in the race, he's racing into the hairpin and sticks his front-left tire just in front of David Coulthard's Chin's right-rear in a move very similar to the way he massacred Pete Rose in quals. You could hear the *PUNT* sound effect in Hamburg. The Red Bull caught massive-wicked air, nearly flipped, and landed HARD on it's wheels. How the suspension didn't fold like a pretzel is beyond us at F1 UPDATE!... we guess Red Bull really DOES give you wings..., but for his lousy weekend, we are proud to award the MOOOOO-OOVE to Ralf Schumacher. Honorable mention goes to Nico "Wonderboy" Rosberg for his surprise left-hand turn at a right-hander that ended his day; a second honorable mention goes to the BMW drivers for deciding that they should run into each other. Well done, lads.


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July 17, 2006


"Alonso. Alonso? Oh, yes, nice kid. Might come to something someday." - Michael Schumacher.

"Well, okay, I don't mind second. I'm still 17 points up. Does anybody know where Jean Todt gets his bandages?" - Fernando Alonso.

"Would you believe I still don't have a contract for next year?" - Felipe Massa.

"Yep, right pedal makes car go fast. Gotta remember that." - Ralf Schumacher.

"mrmmbmlb mrmbblmblbm mrbmllmbblblm." - Kimi Raikkonen.

"Would you believe I DO have a contract for next year?" - Giancarlo Fisichella.

"Juan Pablo who?" - Pedro de la Rosa.

"Those vertical thingies sure made a big difference, didn't they?" - Nick Heidfeld.

"We’re just the vultures of the paddock at the moment, picking up points when other people fall out." - David Coulthard's Chin. (note: real quote.)

"OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! OW! OW! OWWWWWWWW! OW! OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW! D*MNIT, OW!" - American Scott Speed (note: Speed has a pinched nerve in his back.)

"It (the tire choice) was the right choice." - Jack Newtown (note: real quote. This after bitching about the tire strategy after he peed quals down his leg.)

"I am VULTURE MAN!" - Christian Klein. (great. sit down, Chris.)

"V10. Eh. Screwed." - Vitantonio Liuzzi.

"I was completely invisible today. Next interview." - Nico (Wonderboy) Rosberg.

"There I am, driving along, and my paddleshifters fell off. This made it hard to change gears." - Christijan Albers.

"Quel dommage. Fromage. Gulome. Au revoir. Merde." - Franck Montagnie.

"*Whiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine*" - Jensen Button.

"Hard to believe F1 UPDATE! used to confuse me with Nick Heidfeld, isn't it?" - Mark Webber.

"The brake pedal started getting longer and longer, until it was dangerous." - Jarno Trulli. (note: real quote. 'Ladies and gentlemen, the porn star of brake pedals!')

"I believe in this team sob and we will react to this. I am very concentrated and motivated MORE BEER!, and I really believe that we will turn the corner and break our suspension doing it. We have to keep our feet on the ground which is hard to do in a car, keep our motivation high and me drunk and keep working at it." - Rubens Barrichello. (note: real quote.)


"Obviously I'd like to say big thanks to the SA05! The car has done a great job since the beginning of the season." - Takuma Sato who's obviously been nipping at the sake.

Well, that's it for the French GP. Maybe we'll have a good race next time in Germany.

And maybe Rubens will sober up by then.

And maybe the SuperAguri SA06 will be on pole, too.

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July 16, 2006

F1 UPDATE!: France

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzhuh? Oh, it's F1 UPDATE! time. Huzzah.

*FERRARI UNBOUND: Yup, that Ferrari 1-2 at Indy was a total fluke, caused by Michelin bringing conservative tires. Uh-huh. Right.

*F1 XTREME!!! OH, WAIT...: That might have been the most boring high-speed race we here at F1 UPDATE! have ever seen. By lap 40, only the massive intake of caffinated beverages were keeping the UPDATE! crew's eyes open, and by the end of the race, only Skippy the Intern was still awake. Simply dreadful.

*TEAM OF THE RACE: Ferrari. 1-3, and a complete stomping by Parky, who won his record-setting eighth French GP. And it was never even in doubt.

*DRIVER OF THE RACE: Ralf Schumacher. Qual'd 5th, finished 4th, and if it wasn't for a horrendous pitstop where he tried to drive off with a tireman's hand, he might have had a podium. Pretty good for a guy that looked like he was driving a manual transmission for the first time two races ago.

*MOVE OF THE RACE: Kimi Raikkonen. On lap 27, Raikkonen swooped to the inside of Jarno Trulli at the Adelaide Hairpin but couldn't quite make it stick. He kept his foot down, though, and just outpowered (and out-chuzpah'd) The Engineer in the next bend. Well done indeed, and about the only excitement in the entire race.

*MOOOOOOOO-OOVE OF THE RACE: Celebrating the bovine in every race driver, The Mooo-ove of the Race goes to the perpetrator of the most cowlike manuever performed on raceday. We here at F1 UPDATE! feel slightly guilty about this one, as we're not entirely sure it was his fault (upon frame-by-frame replay, we think something broke). However, Tiago Montiero's Scud-launching his MF1 on lap 11 was something to behold. It looked like he turned early into a chicane, got a lot too much curb, and whammo! The car was suddenly at a 45 degree angle to the ground, and facing perpendicular to the direction of motion. How he didn't flip the bugger is beyond us. All we can say is "Mooooooooo."

*QUOTES OF THE RACE: will be delayed.

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July 02, 2006

F1 UPDATE!: Indianapolis!

Home race, good friend, fresh sushi, Belgian beer... it's time for F1 Update!: USGP!!!

*RED LETTER DAY: Ferrari ran away and hid right from the start. They dominated all weekend, which we here at the Update! desk thought was interesting, but not realistic. "Surely," we said, "Renault and McLaren would find the speed come race day. Surely the dominating performance put on during quals was because of a low-fuel strategy."

We were wrong.

As much as it pains us to say it, Alonso needs to hit his knees and thank whomever that it took Ferrari this long to dominate again... and suddenly this season looks an awful lot more competetive than it did.

*BOOM GOES THE...: Now THAT'S how you start a race! We here at F1 Update! were left scrambling for the rewind button, trying to figure out who did what to whom... and wishing for a camera on the outside of turn 2. Thankfully the crashtesting paid off!

*TEAM OF THE RACE: Ferrari. Was there really any doubt?

*DRIVER OF THE RACE: Jarno Trulli, Toyota. Starts on pit lane after a rear suspension/lumber mill change, finishes in fourth. Absolutely a stellar drive for the beleaguered Engineer.

*MOVE OF THE RACE: Giancarlo Fisichella's pass of Fernando Alonso on lap 15. Yes, it was certainly due to the team telling Alonso to let him by. But it was also the first time this season that Alonso had been passed on the track for position. How's THAT for a statistic? For that alone, Fisichella gets the MOTR.

*MOOOOOOOO-OOVE OF THE RACE: We've waited a long time for this. On lap 6, Takuma (Suicide) Sato showed his old colors, attempting a hopeless pass on Tiago Montiero. He dove underneath Tiago, locked up his brakes, and did a fine job of ritually disembowling the MF1 (which shed pieces for the next few laps). Well done, Taku! Your first kill of the year! This Moo is for you! Honorable mention goes to the McLaren boys, Kimi and JP. Since they both blame the other for the accident that took them both out, they get to share.


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