F1 UPDATE!: Germany 2008!

Oh, the difference a safety car makes.  THIS is the F1 UPDATE! for the German Grand Prix!

*NIP/TUCK: From the start of the race, McLaren's Lewis Hamilton ran away and hid from the rest of the field.  To be honest, it was quite unexciting, and we here at F1 UPDATE! were giving serious thought to taking a nap.  It didn't even look like we were going to get any rain to make it a little more interesting.  And then, as they say in Heidelberg, "Glock Happens."  Specifically, Timo Glock ran very wide on the last turn  of lap 35.  He jounced over the curb, and his right rear suspension completely collapsed.

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F1 UPDATE!: BRITAIN 2008

Break out your slickers and wellies, THIS is F1 UPDATE!

*RAIN:  The race started in the rain.  Then it stopped.  Then it poured.  Then the race got silly.  Only three cars were still on the lead lap when the race ended, and the winner, some bloke named Lewis Hamilton, was 68 seconds ahead of 2nd place.  Yet at times, it was the worst car on track that was turning laps seven seconds faster than the leader, and you had one driver pass two cars for position in one move TWICE.  We've said it before, and we'll say it again in the future, but we love F1 in the wet.

*EVERYONE LOVES A THREE-WAY:  After today's results, there are three drivers with 48 championship points: Hamilton, Raikkonen and Massa.  Kubica has 46.  This one is wiiiiiide open.

*...RIGHT DOWN THEIR LEG:  Massa spun four or five times.  Kimi ended up fourth, but knows he was lucky to be even that high.  Ferrari as a team looked like a bunch of amateurs with their strategies.  And it didn't have to be that way: until the first pitstop, Kimi was only a couple of car-lengths behind Hamilton.  They pitted at the same time, they left the pits at the same time, and two laps later, Raikkonen was seven seconds behind (see Mooooo-ooove of the Race), and it was only a question of "would the cars stay on the track?"  Nightmare fuel for the tifosi, and a shot in the arm for McLaren.

*DRIVER OF THE RACE: By all rights, Lewis Hamilton should win this.  It isn't every day a race is won by 68 seconds, y'know.  Any other race, a performance like that would earn him the DotR honors without any questions whatsoever.  But it isn't every day that the worst car on the grid ends up finishing third, too, and a lot of the reason for that is the driver... Rubens Barrichello.  His first podium finish since the 2005 USGP (when only six cars took the green flag), and Honda's first podium since Hungary 2006 (Jenson Button, win)?  Sure, part of it was that they gambled with full-wet tires even though the sun was coming out, but what the heck?  Congrats, Rubens!  If anybody deserves a break, it's you.

*TEAM OF THE RACE:  McLaren.  1st-5th and you win by over a minute?  Yep, you get the TotR award, but only because everybody else blew chunks. 

*MOVE OF THE RACE:  While everybody else looked like they were driving on ice (except for Hamilton, of course), Grizzly Nick Heidfeld was zipping around the track like he had studded tires.  Around lap 20, he was in 6th place, behind Toyota's Timo Glock and the Renault of HWMNBN.  Heading into a turn, he banzais himself around Glock to the outside, then zips past HWMNBN to the inside... in the same turn!  Good enough to win the MotR right there, but he wasn't finished yet.  Seven laps later, he was behind the dual Finns of Kovaleinninninnie and Raikkonen (3rd and 2nd, respectively).  Again, Heidfeld disposed of both of them at the same time for his second 2-car pass of the race.  Ballsy stuff from Grizzly Nick, considering the track condition at the time, and the combination should be in the running for Move(s) of the Year.

*MOOOOOO-OOOVE OF THE RACE:  Celebrating the best of the worst of the race, the Moooooo-ooove generally goes to the driver who makes the Art of F1 Driving look more like the Scientology of F1 Driving: a laughingstock, in other words.  Today, though, we can't blame the drivers for their lowing and cud-chewing: the weather caused that.  However, there was one incident that just screamed "Mooo!" in this race.  As the first round of pitstops came near, the rain had stopped but the track was still very wet (Silverstone is very wide, and mostly flat, with no camber at all.  As a result, water on pavement just sits there until it steams off).  A couple of laps later, Smarmy Windsor reported that it was raining in the paddock.  Kimi Raikkonen trailed Lewis Hamilton by about a second as they both came in to pit.  Lewis took fuel and new Intermediate tires.  Ferrari, though, sent Kimi back out with fuel only, leaving him with worn Inters.  A lap or so later, they did the same with Massa, revealing that it was a team strategy, not a driver saying "let's do this."  The gamble was that if it stopped raining and began to dry, the worn Inters would suddenly act like slick tires: no grooves, huge contact patch, and great grip.  BUT IT WAS RAINING!  Within two laps, Kimi was seven seconds behind Hamilton, and his chances of winning were pretty much gone.  The worn tires surely also helped Massa with his imitation of a child's top.  Congratulations, Ferrari!  For screwing up the entire race weekend you deserve the Moooooo-ooove.  No, don't thank us, you deserve it.

*DRIVER QUOTES OF THE RACE:

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F1 Update!: FRANCE 2008

Ugh.  This is your F1 UPDATE!

*MERDE: Wow, this was dull.  How dull was this race?  Here's a picture of a piece of french bread:

That picture is more interesting than the 2008 French Grand Prix.  Even the rain that began to fall with 15 laps to go was uninteresting, being just a light sprinkle.

*FERRARI IS ALL: Halfway through the race, Kimi Raikkonen had a problem develop with his exhaust system: it started to fall off his car.  The right-hand exhaust pipe somehow broke and, held on only by the heat sensor, began to bounce and flail against the Ferrari's bodywork.

It was obvious that the piece of pipe was going to break free sooner or later, and thus constituted a hazard to everybody behind him... imagine the damage that could result if it came off and speared into a car following!  Therefore, the track marshals should have forced him to pit so it could be removed.  Of course, the Ferrari would have lost track position, but that's a minor thing considering the safety problems.  That Kimi was leading at the time shouldn't have any bearing on the situation.  Also of course, the FIA did nothing.  Even more surprising, neither did Ferrari when Kimi DID pit!  They left the pipe as-is.  It was only luck that there wasn't anybody nearby when it finally broke free, rocketing off the rear wing and headed for low-earth orbit.  The overheating Ferrari eventually finished second.

*DRIVER OF THE RACE: We never thought we'd say this, but Jarno Trulli.  Bringing Toyota their first podium finish since the 2005 Hungarian Grand Prix, Trulli was under fire the entire race.  Somehow, he managed to beat back challenges from Heikki Kovaleinninninnie, Robert Kubica and Mark Webber.  Even Jarno's great nemesis, the rain, couldn't keep him from third place.  The lone bright spot in a very boring race.

*TEAM OF THE RACE: Ferrari.  Podium sweep, fast lap, a friendly FIA, and a McLaren team that seems to be spinning its wheels all point to Ferrari running away and hiding the rest of the season. 

*MOVE OF THE RACE:  On Lap 19, Lewis Hamilton, who had been bothering HWMNBN for 12th place for a while, ran low while the Renault swung wide into the turn named Estoril.  HWMNBN apparently had no idea what was going on, for he began to swing himself onto the inside line even as Hamilton occupied it.  Surprised, he twitched and Hamilton zipped by.  A nice, if ultimately pointless (Hamilton at the end of the lap), Move of the Race.

*MOOOOO-OOOVE OF THE RACE:  Even the Moooo-ooove for this race is dull!  Jenson Button bumped into SeaBass going into turn 1 at the start of the race, which broke his front wing and eventually led to his retirement (the only one of the race).  Congratulations, Jenson, you're the most boring MoootR winner EVER!

*DRIVER QUOTES OF THE RACE:

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F1 UPDATE!: Montreal 2008!

A historic race, a lucky break in the weather here at The Pond, and this is F1 UPDATE!

*A RACE FOR FIRSTS:  Robert Kubica, one year removed from a horrendous crash at this same track, won today's Canadian Grand Prix and in the process took over the lead in the Driver's Championship.  This is not only his first win, but the first win for BMW as a Constructor to boot.  And for the first time in F1 history, the Polish national anthem was played in the podium ceremony.

*A TRACK FOR ALL SEASONS (EXCEPT RACE SEASON): There's no denying that the Circuit Gilles Villeneuve has brought us some marvelous races in the past, but the condition of the track left a lot to be desired.  The breakup of the surface, particularly in the hairpin, contributed to a number of unforced errors today. The worst part is, this has happened every race for the past three seasons.  As much as we hate to say it, the FIA needs to wield some of its power to get this dealt with, and soon.   We at F1 UPDATE! like the circuit a lot, but it's getting ridiculous.

*DRIVER OF THE RACE: Is there any doubt? 

Robert Kubica has shown that he's a serious contender for the Driver's Championship and earned a pole, but hasn't quite won a race.  Well, today he has, and is now leading Kimi Raikkonen in the points. 

*TEAM OF THE RACE:  Is there any doubt?  BMW-Sauber not only got their first ever win (not counting the handful of Sauber victories before BMW came in), but Grizzly Nick Heidfeld was second on the podium as well.  To make things even better, the team has now jumped into second in the Constructor's Championship.  The team got their 1-2 by doing everything right today, from calling their cars into the pits at the right time, following the rules and paying attention to the red light in the pits, to running their drivers under two different fuel strategies to make SURE they'd get the win, and some great work by the pit crew to get Kubica re-tired, refueled, and out before his teammate came around.  A flat-out dominant performance by the now-confirmed newest member of the Grade-A teams.

*MOVE OF THE RACE:  Ferrari had a particularly poor race today, with Kimi being knocked out early (see the Moooo-ooove of the Race, below), and Massa's race being compromised by some miserable work in the pits, the MotR is small consolation.  However, with the race beginning to wind down, Massa found himself behind both Rubens Barrichello and Heikki Kovaleinninninnie, faster than both, but unable to get past either.  Heading down into the hairpin, both the McLaren and Honda drivers stayed high to avoid the crumbling inner line through the turn.  Massa took a gamble and went low, into the gravel that used to be aspahlt, then even lower, actually getting a tire onto the grass. 

By the end of the turn, he had passed Barrichello and pulled even with Heikki.  Heikki, seeing the Ferrari very close indeed to his right tires, twitched to the left just a hair, and Massa powered past.  Two positions in one pass?  Oh yeah, that's the Move of the Race right there.

*MOOOOOO-OOOVE OF THE RACE:  Even the best racers in the world can't be on all the time, and that's what the Mooooo-ooove celebrates (or denigrates, if you've won it).  Adrian Sutil's race came to a premature end on lap 17, breaking his suspension after smacking the wall.  After coming to a halt, his brakes caught fire.  As his car came to a halt in a location that a crane couldn't get to, marshals had to go out and push his Force India behind the wall, which brought out the Safety Car.  Once the pitlane opened, all the leaders dove in for fuel and tires.  Kimi Raikkonen's Ferrari and Robert Kubica's BMW won the pit crew duel and began to exit.  However, the red light signifying that the cars could not exit was still on, forcing both to stop at the end of the lane.  Lewis Hamilton, distracted by something bright and shiny in his McLaren, didn't notice that they had stopped and continued to accelerate down the lane.  When he next looked up, he swerved to avoid the two... and failed, ramming hard into the Ferrari.  Kimi lost his rear wing, Lewis lost his front suspension.

He was then rear-ended by Williams' Nico Rosberg, but that was just icing on the cake.  Hamilton had already won the Moooooo-ooove of the Race... and has been hit with a 10-grid spot penalty for the next race.

*DRIVER QUOTES OF THE RACE:

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F1 UPDATE!: Monaco 2008!

Monaco is called "the crown jewel" of Formula 1, but generally the race itself isn't all that exciting.  Not this time!  THIS is the F1 UPDATE!

*IT'S RAINING AGAIN...:  Take everything you know about F1 racing at Monaco, cover it with water, then throw it out and hang on.  Best race of the season so far, no contest.  As the cars sat on the grid just before the parade lap, nobody knew just exactly what the weather would bring.  The track was damp and drying, but Formula One Management was saying "rain in 15 minutes".  Everybody went safe and chose intermediate rain tires, but Kimi Raikkonen and Ferrari couldn't make up their minds fast enough, saddling him with a drive-through penalty early.  Once the race began, though, everybody made it through the first turn safely and it started to look like just another Monaco...

...and then it began to rain, and the F1 UPDATE! crew began to laugh.  More nose changes than you'll see at a Hollywood movie premier.  Lewis Hamilton fishtailed into the wall and blew a tire, but no suspension damage.  It looked like his race was done, and it would have if it wasn't for David Coulthard's Chin kissing the wall, then being rear-ended by SeaBass, bringing out the Safety Car.  Suddenly, everything was back to square-one.  Massa lost it on the one place on the course with run off area, Ste Devote, and dropped back, putting BMW's Robert Kubica into the lead.  After the first scheduled pitstops, though, Hamilton had the lead.  That early pitstop to change his blown tire began to look like a godsend.  And so it was, as he took his McLaren home to the win, followed by Kubica and Massa.  In between, though, the rain stopped, and it became a guessing game.  A late Safety Car put the whole race in doubt again, as Hamilton and Kubica were on hard-dry tires, while Massa was on the softs and kept it close, to no avail.

*POINTS FOR EVERYBODY!: Seven teams earned points today, with McLaren being the only manufacturer to get both cars in the top eight (1st for Hamilton, 8th for Heikki).

*TIME OUT:  For the first time in who-knows-how-long, a Formula 1 race was ended by time limit, not by finishing every lap.  F1 races have a maximum time of 120 minutes, y'see, and when the rain came, everything slowed down.  When the time expired, there were still two laps left.

*DRIVER OF THE RACE: No, not Lewis Hamilton, though at any other race he would have won it.  F1 UPDATE! is proud, however, to give the DotR award to someone that we wouldn't ever have guessed we be giving it to... Force India's Adrian Sutil.  Throughout the weather, Sutil showed that he's got awesome driving skills in the wet as he worked his way through the field... and with a few laps left, he was sitting in a no-kidding, for-real fourth place, with a legitimate shot at a podium to boot.  Then, through no fault of his or his team's own, it all turned to ashes....  It's small consolation, Adrian, but you, far and away, deserve the Driver of the Race award.

*TEAM OF THE RACE:  Nobody.  We can't give any team praise this race.  Everybody had problems this time around, from McLaren's Heikki Kovaleiniinninninnie stalling on the grid to Ferrari not being able to decide on a tire for Kimi to BMW botching the setup on Grizzly Nick Heidfeld's car to Renault deciding to go to dry tires a few laps early, while teams like Williams or RedBull did nothing to distinguish themselves, earning their points merely by surviving.

*MOVE OF THE RACE:  It's always a tense moment.  The lead car(s) are lapping their way through the field, when they come up on two (or more) cars battling for position.  The trackside marshals throw up the blue flag, telling the slower cars to move aside for the leaders.  The problem is doing it without surrendering an inch to the cars you're fighting.  In this case, Massa came up on Jenson Button and Nico Rosberg on the run down to the hairpin.  Button and Rosberg moved over to let Massa go by, everybody braking all the while.  Rosberg, however, jumped behind Massa, and stuck his nose under the Ferrari's tail (so close that is Massa touched the brakes any harder, Rosberg would have been in the cockpit with him), preventing Button from getting back inside.  Perhaps an ungentlemanly move, but perfectly legal (and sneaky as all hell).  For that, Rosberg, you deserve the MotR!

*MOOOOO-OOOVE OF THE RACE:  We understand that F1 is hard.  Very hard.  So hard that it makes idiots out of the best drivers in the world.  That's why we created the award that celebrates the bovine in every driver, the Mooooo-ooove of the Race.  To begin with, the F1 UPDATE! crew wanted desperately to give the Moooo-oove to Kimi Raikkonen for losing control of his car and spearing into the rear of Adrian Sutil's Force India, ruining the outstanding 4th place Sutil had in hand and forcing them both into the pits (and crushing Sutil's suspension).  It would have served him right.

However, cooler heads prevailed.  Instead, the Mooo-oove goes to an earlier case of stupidity.  HWMNBN had been following Grizzly Nick Heidfeld closely for a couple of laps, almost being able to pass, but not quite.  Now, it's quite difficult to pass at Monaco, but there ARE some places to do it.  For the most part, however, the hairpin is NOT one of them, not without some assistance from the car ahead of you (see: Button, Rosberg, Massa, Move of the Race).  HWMNBN, perhaps realizing that he didn't have a chance in hell of doing anything this race anyway, decided to force the issue.  He sauntered inside of the BMW by not braking, then couldn't make the turn.  The result was not pretty:

Heidfeld, in fact, wound up forced into a spin, banging back into HWMNBN.  This brought both cars to a dead stop, blocking the entire track and bringing six or eight other cars to a complete halt on the streets of Monaco.   Completely pointless pass attempt that nearly ruins your car, someone else's car, and turns "race" into "park"?  Well done, HWMNBN, here's your Moooooo-ooove!

*DRIVER QUOTES OF THE RACE:




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F1 UPDATE!: TURKEY 2008!

A terrible bit of driving, an excellent bit of driving, a risky fuel strategy and a broken record... this is the F1 UPDATE! for the fifth round of the Championship!

*TURKISH DELIGHT:  Michael Schumacher was the last driver to win the same race three years running; now Felipe Massa has matched that, with an extra filip.  Not only has Massa won the Turkish Grand Prix three years in a row, he's also had the pole for all three of those races and nearly led every lap of all three to boot.  Think Mr. Massa likes the Istanbul Otodrom?

*TUMBLIN' DICE:  There are times in any season when a team has to gamble on a strategy if they want a chance to improve themselves.  Today, McLaren knew their cars were going to run badly on the soft compound tires.  They also knew that the Ferraris were faster when the cars had equal fuel on board.  So they rolled the dice on a three-stop strategy.  This would give them the ability to run light on fuel the entire race, as well as limit the amount of time they'd spend on the soft tires (remember, FIA regs say the teams have to run both hard and soft tires during a race).  The result of this gamble was clear: Lewis Hamilton wound up 2nd and was charging down hard on Massa.  Heikki Kovaleinninninnie suffered a puncture in the first complex of turns and wound up 12th, so we can't really judge the strategy on the basis of his run.

*DRIVER OF THE RACE:  On the face of it, Massa should win today, but instead, we here at F1 UPDATE! are going to give the award to someone else:

Congratulations to Honda's Rubens Barrichello for breaking Ricardo Patresse's record for most F1 starts all-time!  Even though you finished 14th on the day, you're still the DotR!

*TEAM OF THE RACE: Ferrari.  Obviously the class of the field, though perhaps not by as much as was expected.  Still, 1-3, pole and fast lap by Kimi Raikkonen is pretty darn good. 

*MOVE OF THE RACE:  Thanks to the removal of traction control, this exciting track has become even better.  We had passing going on all over the place all day long, and most of them were contenders for the MotR.  However, a pass for the lead trumps them all.  On lap 24, Lewis Hamilton had a lighter fuel load than Felipe Massa and had to get past the Ferrari to have any chance to make the three-stop strategy work.  Hamilton got a tow down the straight and ate up the space between the two cars in great chunks, then moved inside of Massa.  Both braked late into the turn, Massa tried to close the door on the McLaren, but Lewis was having none of it.  Massa had to jerk his car outside and Hamilton got past... then ran away in a hurry.  Hamilton only had the lead for a few more laps before he had to hit the pits again, it was still a great pass, and well deserves the Move of the Race.

*MOOOOOO-OOOVE OF THE RACE:  The glitz and the pagentry of the F1 Circus can never completely mask the taurean aspect of some of the drivers.  For that, we created the Mooooo-oove.  Today, the award was decided before all the cars were through the first turn on the first lap.  Giancarlo Fisichella was, apparently, distracted by something bright and sparkly, and completely neglected to slow down as he rocketed into turn one.  Meanwhile, Kaz Nakajima was just trying to make a left turn, doing nothing wrong at all.  The result?

Believe it or not, that picture just doesn't do the incident justice.  Here's a look from another angle:

Yeesh.  Neither driver was hurt, though the Force India was out of the race immediately.  How about Nakajima's Williams?  What sort of shape was it in?

No rear wing, at least one flat tire, and one of the wings on the airbox ripped off?  Yep, that's pretty impressive!  Congratulations, Giancarlo Fisichella, you just won a Moooooo-ooove, and you're beginning to invite comparisons to the infamous "Fast" Yuji Ide!

*DRIVER QUOTES OF THE RACE:

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F1 UPDATE!: Spain 2008!

It wasn't a question of who would win, but which cars would survive... and was one driver uninjured?  Lets get to the updatin'!

*LUCK AND ENGINEERING:  Those are the only things that kept Heikki Kovaleininninninnie from being smeared across the inside of his cockpit after his front-left wheel rim failed at 160mph (a stone trapped between the rubber and the wheel is expected to be the reason for the failure).  His McLaren wound up burying itself into a tire barrier up to the front of the driver's compartment, completely destroying the nose and actually opening the 'bathtub'. 

Despite the violence of the accident, Heikki escaped with only a concussion and some bruising to his elbows and knees.  He's being kept in hospital overnight for observation, but it seems likely that he'll be allowed to drive in the GP of Turkey two weeks hence.

* THE KIMI & PHIL SHOW:  Ferrari ran away with this one, Massa getting past HWMNBN in the first turn, and the race was over.  It was just a question of who would be third.  Only two safety cars, one of which lasted 10 minutes, artificially kept Hamilton within spitting distance of the Ferraris.  Nope, this was a total blowout, and McLaren has got to be runnin' scared now.

* DRIVER OF THE RACE:  Kimi Raikkonen, Ferrari.  He beat back any challenge his teammate tried to put together, drove a nearly flawless race, and delivered a little lost boy back to his parents to boot.  Throw in the evil glint he had in his eye when it came time to spray the champagne and King Juan Carlos of Spain was slow getting off the podium, and it was nearly the perfect performance.  If he had been able to seduce a grid girl in Parc Ferme, then it could have been better.

* TEAM OF THE RACE:  Ferrari.  1-3 on the grid, 1-2 on the podium, fast lap, two flawless drives, and never even close to being challenged?  Yeah, that's a good race.

* MOVE OF THE RACE:  Late in the race, Grizzly Nick Heidfeld was struggling back up the charts after suffering a 10sec. stop-and-go penalty for refueling before the pit lane had been opened during the Heikki Safety Car.  After fighting with Giancarlo Fisichella's Farce India for five or six laps, the BMW driver forced Fisi into a small bobble coming out of the final turn.  This was enough for Grizzly Nick to close up behind, getting a good tow from the other car.  He blew the metaphorical doors off the Italian, then pinned him to the outside where there was nothing he could do to defend his line.  Heidfeld then quickly pulled away.  While it was only for 9th place (and no points), it was still the class of the passing for the day.

* MOOOOOO-OOOOVE OF THE RACE:  Sometimes, even the best racers in the world act like cattle on the ranch.  The Mooo-otR was created just for them.  This race, there were two worthy candidates.  The first goes to Rubens Barrichello, who managed to knock his front wing off... in the pit lane without hitting anybody!  He then had to drive an entire lap with the wing jammed tightly into his suspension. 

The second goes to Timo Glock, who decided that he really needed to be right where David Coulthard's Chin was, implanting his nose into the rear of the Red Bull for no good reason that anybody could see.  Bravo and Moo! to both our winners.

*DRIVER QUOTES OF THE RACE:

 
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F1 UPDATE!: Bahrain 2008!

It was a special day for one team, a dominant day for another, and a disaster for a third, but it's always a great day for F1 UPDATE!  Let's get to the race!

*NOT AS GOOD AS WE HOPED...:  We at F1 UPDATE! thought that this was going to be a "helluva race" after Quals.  Well... not so much.  Felipe Massa blew a wheel-spinning Robert Kubica off the line when the lights went out, and the race was over.  Then it just became a question of which Ferrari would win, and by how much. 

*APPLY HAND TO THROAT, SQUEEZE.:  That must have been the McLaren race plan for Lewis Hamilton.  First he nearly stalled the car at the start and lost 10 places, then he crunched into HWMNBN, lost his nose, and suddenly it wasn't a question of "can he win," it was "can he get points," then finally "can he finish in the top half?"  The answer in all cases was "nope."  We at F1 UPDATE! are on record as thinking that Hamilton may be weak driving in traffic, and Bahrain has done nothing to change those thoughts.

*DRIVER OF THE RACE:  Felipe Massa, Ferrari.  With two DNFs in the first two races, and rumors of HWMNBN being considered to take his seat next year, Massa desperately needed a good race, if only to get the rabid Italian press off his back.  He got it.  He got past Kubica before the first turn, then drove a nearly flawless race the rest of the way.  The only bobble was a quick on-and-off around the halfway mark as he was about to put a lap on a Farce India.  This was even his first win from a position other than pole... all in all, a pretty good race for Felipe Massa.

*TEAM OF THE RACE:  Ferrari finished 1-2, but they don't get this designation today, if only because they're expected to finish 1-2.  Besides, I suspect that even they would (in private, quietly, where nobody else could hear them) admit that BMW-Sauber deserves the award today.  Kubica was pole sitter, finished third and is fourth in the Driver's Championship, Nick Heidfeld was 4th, had the fast lap of the race (for the second race in a row) (Koveleininninnie deep-sixed that at the end of the race), and is now second in the Driver's Championship.  But more importantly, the team is now leading the Constructor's Championship for the first time ever.  Yep, they may not quite be in position to compete for a win just yet, but they are definitely for real.

*MOVE OF THE RACE:  The best place to pass on the Bahrain circuit is turn one.  Generally, the best way to do it is to get to the inside of your target and outbrake him.  You saw that exact thing occur a number of times today, as a matter of fact.  On lap 4, however, Robert Kubica was trying to hold off Kimi Raikkonen for second place and it looked to all of us here at F1 UPDATE! that he'd managed it.  He had the inside line closed off solid, and the speed difference between the Ferrari and the BMW isn't so great that Kimi could get past before the turn.  Kimi then surprised us, the announcers, Robert Kubica, and Mrs Edna Snodgrass of Llanberis, Wales (who wasn't even watching) by going to the outside of Kubica's BMW... and making it stick.  He then managed to keep Kubica from repassing by raw power.  A skillful pass, and one well-deserving of the MOTR.

*MOOOOO-OOOVE OF THE RACE:  Even the best racers in the world have moments where they chew their cud and lumber around the circuit.  For those entertaining incidents, the Mooooo-ooove was created.  Today's winner is actually two seperate incidents from the same man: Lewis Hamilton.  First, he had the worst start in the history of mankind, dropping 10 places in the blink of an eye, when he managed to nearly stall his McLaren.  A brisk walking pace would have passed him, quite honestly.  That's bad enough, but on Lap 2, while trying to recover from his atrocious start, he was all over the back of HWMNBN.  The Renault was heavy with fuel, and couldn't accelerate as quickly out of a turn as the McLaren.   Hamilton neglected to consider this fact, and the result?

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F1 UPDATE!: MALAYSIA 2008

Will Ferrari bring itself back from the disappointment of Australia?  Will McLaren charge off into the distance and take a commanding lead in the dual championships?  Will BMW consolidate their gains?  Will we stop asking questions and get on with it?  THIS is the F1 UPDATE! for the Grand Prix of Malaysia!

*WHOOPS...:  This might be getting ugly, and it couldn't happen to a nicer bunch of guys than Ferrari.  Those were the words of the owner of this website after Friday practice.  Whoops.  Kimi Raikkonen won by 22 seconds over 2nd place finisher Robert Kubica, and was over 70 seconds ahead of 8th place HWMNBN.  The only dark spot on Ferrari's day was Felipe Massa burying himself in the kittylitter, costing the team a 1-2 finish.  Since we can't sack the owner of this blog, we'll just point at him and jeer instead.

*TARNISHING?:  We're starting to see signs that Lewis Hamilton may not be the greatest thing since rye bread.  He appeared to be uncommonly hard on his front tires and brakes today, and that might have added to his day's troubles.  In the last 15 laps of the race, he wasn't quite able to close up on Jarno Trulli's Toyota enough to mount a serious charge, and while some of that might be due to the improvement of the Toyota chassis itself, a good portion has to be laid at Hamilton's feet.  We here at F1 UPDATE! believe that, perhaps, he's not as good as running in traffic as he is up towards the front.  Understandable, since he rarely has to do so.  We'd still take him...

*DRIVER OF THE RACE:  Robert Kubica, BMW.  Kimi Raikonnen won handily, but probably would have finished behind Massa had Felipe not decided to beach himself.  Kubica, on the other hand, actually had to drive hard for his position, and was flawless with the lurking McLaren of Koveleinninnine just a few seconds back.  Kimi, on the other hand, could have gone over to Kuala Lumpur International Airport, hopped a quick flight to Finland, had a drink or two, flown back to KLIA, picked up something in the duty-free shop, gotten back in his car, and resumed the race and still have a couple of seconds lead.  Gotta go with Kubica this week.

*TEAM OF THE RACE:  BMW-Sauber.  They scored two podiums in a row for the first time ever, they put Kubica on the 2nd step of said podium, and Grizzly Nick Heidfeld had fast lap of the race.  If that's not an indication that this team is for real, nothing is.  They're still not up to Ferrari/McLaren levels yet, but they're closer now than they ever were before.

*MOVE OF THE RACE:  Since we refuse to give a MOTR to anything that happens on the first lap of a race, we can't give it to Lewis Hamilton's breathtaking manuever at the turn 1, lap 1, where he started outside of HWMNBN, then dove underneath, passing the Renault AND Trulli AND Heidfeld, all in one go.  No, instead, we're giving the MOTR to Heidfeld and HWMNBN for their sequence on lap 4.  Both were behind David Coulthard's Chin on the short straight, and coming on strong.  Heidfeld went right of The Chin, HWMNBN went left, and we had three-wide racing for a bit. 

The Chin was probably apoplectic as Heidfeld went by, as he did a fine job of slamming the door on HWMNBN going into the turn.  The Renault driver simply kept his foot in, and over the course of the next two turns and a short chute, got round the Red Bull.  A gem of driving prowess from both Heidfeld and HWMNBN, though in different ways.

*MOOOOOO-OOOVE OF THE RACE:  They can't all be gems, and the Mooooo-ooove celebrates the cow-like waddling that all F1 drivers display at one time or another.  This race, the prize goes to Felipe Massa, who threw away a sure podium and a possible win simply by letting his rear-end pass his front-end on lap 31, turn 8.  At the time, he was only a couple of seconds behind Kimi, but 20 seconds clear of Kubica.  Even a simple spin would have been recoverable, but Massa went the extra mile by sliding offtrack, rolling backwards on the asphalt runoff area for a few lengths, then finding a big enough pile of gravel to high-center himself.  He then proceeded to dig himself in for a few seconds.

Nicely done, lad... guess that lack of traction controll is a b*tch, huh?

*DRIVER QUOTES OF THE RACE:

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F1 UPDATE!: AUSTRALIA 2008!

Ahhhhh, the first race of a season... always full of wonder and questions.  Who'll be good, who's bad, who'll surprise and disappoint?  Does the offseason testing mean anything, or is it all window-hanging?  Let's find out, and get right to the updatin'!!!

*WELCOME BACK:  If all the races were going to be like this, there'd be a lot more fans of Formula 1 out there.  While the winner wasn't really ever in too much doubt, everything behind the McLaren of Lewis Hamilton was up in the air all day.  This race, you saw some of the best driving you'll ever witness, as well as some of the worst, sometimes from the same person.  The reliability of the cars came into question with 14 racers ending up on the side of the track due to accident or breakdown (there was also one driver DQ'd).  To be fair, the air temps were hovering around 100^oF. all day, and that's really tough on these cars, but still and all.  Now, since it's the first race of the year, you can't really put too much stock in the overall results... but boy, was it fun.

*WHAT THE...?:  Last season, Ferrari swept the Driver's and Constructor's Championships (with a little help from the FIA's exclusion of McLaren) in a solid display of how to do things in Formula 1.  In this race, however, Ferrari looked more like Joe's Garage And Lube Racing.  Massa running out of fuel, Kimi discovering that it's easy to pass when you don't hit the brakes (but hard to make the upcoming turn), then that it's good to have your tires on the track when you decelerate.  Then there were the disorganized pit decisions that Ferrari made (why keep Kimi out on the track during a yellow when everybody in the park knew he'd have to pit in a couple of laps anyway?).  Basically, Ferrari looked amateurish, and they were lucky to have earned a single point today... and it took a DQ ahead of them to get that.  One imagines Ron Dennis is smirking tonight.

*DRIVER OF THE RACE: Lewis Hamilton, McLaren.  A 10 second lead by lap 15, a 30 second lead late, he was only out of first place for 5 laps due to pit-lane rotations.  While Kubica gave him a challenge at the start (you can't be any closer to each other without being naked), that only really lasted for two or three laps.  After that, the only question was would Hamilton keep it on the track and would it hold together?  The answer to both was yes, and Lewis ran away with it.  His first stint was particularly impressive, setting and resetting Fast Lap on laps 3, 5, 6, 7, 9, 11, 13, 14, 15 and 17.  That's domination.

*TEAM OF THE RACE: Williams.  Nico Rosberg gets a podium, Kaz Nakajima in the points, and the only team other than McLaren to get both cars to the end of the race?  Considering how miserable a season Williams had last year, it's good to see them have a good race for once.  McLaren gets an honorable mention for their Win-5th, which is nice, but they've got to be kicking themselves for losing a great chance to steal a march on Ferrari.

*MOVE OF THE RACE:  On lap 57 of 59, Heikki Kovelaineininnie was challenging Renault's HWMNBN for 4th place.  Considering that HWMNBN drives a very wide car, and the antipathy he has toward McLaren, there's no chance that Heikki would have an easy pass, and it wasn't.  But it WAS a clean, firm, and impressive move.  That Heikki threw it away a half-lap later by pressing the pit-lane limiter on the front straightaway (allowing HWMNBN to blow past the suddenly slow McLaren) takes nothing away from the move.

*MOOOO-OOOOVE OF THE RACE:  Celebrating the bovine lurking inside every F1 driver, the Mooooo-ooove is given to the driver or team that has the clumsiest moment of the race.  This week, Timo Glock's Toyota slid a little too far out of a turn, got into the grass, and wallowed around in a more-or-less uncontrolled fashion.  It should have been fine, if embarrassing, but this is Melbourne's Albert Park.  When it's not being used for the Grand Prix, it's just an ordinary (if large) park/golf course/lake facility.  Glock skittered across the grass, crossed a strip of asphalt, and hit a very tall lip back onto the grass.  The result?  Well... not good:

Mental note: F1 cars are not meant to be dropped.  It took Glock a long time to get out of the cockpit, undoubtably with a very sore back.  Maybe his Mooooo-oooove will help sooth the pain.

*DRIVER QUOTES OF THE RACE:
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F1 UPDATE!: BRAZIL!

Never in a thousand years would we have predicted what happened at Interlagos today.  Lets get right to it!

*KIMI WINS THE DRIVER'S CHAMPIONSHIP:  Right from the start, it was obvious that this was going to be an... interesting race.  Massa held off Raikkonen, and HWMNBN got past Hamilton by turn 1.  And this is where the rookie made his first mistake: he didn't need to race his teammate.  He just needed to stay close to him, and he'd win the DC.  Instead, Hamilton tried to retake his position and blew the turn, tumbling down the order.  Even then, things were not out of hand, and there was still an entire race to run.
Then Hamilton's car broke.  The Legendary Announce Team almost immediately diagnosed the problem as the automatic clutch on the McLaren, and while he frantically tried to engage the fail-safe mechanisim that'd let him get on with the race (though at slightly reduced capability), he fell all the way back to 18th. 
Meanwhile, the two Ferraris rocketed off into the distance.  HWMNBN was third, but was never close to catching either of them.  All that was left was figuring how Ferrari would get Kimi past Massa for the lead, and would Hamilton manage to haul himself up to fifth, in which case he'd still win the DC.
In the second round of pitstops, Ferrari brought Massa in a couple of laps early, allowing Kimi to rip off two very fast laps before HIS pitstop.  When he came back out, he had gone from a few seconds behind Massa to less than a second ahead.  Meanwhile, Lewis slowly dragged himself up to seventh, but it was late and he was 20 seconds behind sixth. 
When the race ended, the longest of long-shots, Kimi Raikkonen, had managed to come from seven points behind in the DC to win the championship by the slimmest of margins: one point.

*UTTER DEJECTION:  There's no way that Lewis Hamilton could be feeling anything other than horrible right now.  He had the championship wrapped up, and two mistakes in two races cost him the ultimate prize.  In China, he beached his car in the smallest graveltrap of the season.  In Brazil, he ran wide while needlessly racing his 'teammate', grinding his car over a curb, which may have caused the damage that caused his electronic clutch system to fail.  In replays, pieces of his car are seen flying off; perhaps the shaking and rattling made a connection come loose.  Rookie mistakes cost him the most important prize in motorsports.

*FINAL STANDINGS:
1) Kimi Raikkonen, Ferrari - 110 points
2) Lewis Hamilton, McLaren - 109 points (tiebreaker)
3) HWMNBN, McLaren - 109 points


*DRIVER OF THE RACE: Kimi Raikkonen, Ferrari.  He drove a perfect race.  He won it on the track, instead of by any Ferrari chicanery.  And he came from third in points to win the Driver's Championship.  What more can you ask for from a driver?

*TEAM OF THE RACE: Ferrari.  1-2 on the podium, nearly forty seconds ahead of third place, and dual championship victories, Constructor's and Driver's.  Not to sound repetitive, but what more can you ask for from a team?

*MOVE OF THE RACE: On lap 61, Nick Heidfeld is 4th, Nico Rosberg is 5th, and Robert Kubica is 6th.  Rosberg makes a move inside Heidfeld, who barely moves until the last instant.  Both drivers wind up losing just a little bit of grip on braking, and slide wide... and Kubica blows the doors off of both of them, jumping from 6th to 4th in one sweet move.  Honorable Mention goes to... Robert Kubica, for his muscular pass of Mark Webber at turn 1 of lap 8.

*MOOOOOOO-OOOVE OF THE RACE:  Sometimes even the best drivers in the world have sub-optimal days, like Lewis Hamilton.  Then there are those drivers who would LOVE to have a sub-optimal day, because it would make their race better.  It's those wretched racers that the Mooo-oove was created for, and today, we're pleased to present the MotR to a very deserving recipient: Renault's Giancarlo Fisichella.  Last year, we were amazed that Renault would willingly name Fisi their number-one driver, and he didn't disappoint; finishing with 21 points, NINE behind his teammate, the rookie Heikki Kovaleinieninnie.  Ah, but today was was the true low point of his season.  On lap two Fisi ran wide and rolled off-track.  Not bothering to check around him, he blithely drives back onto the asphalt, right in front of the fast-moving Spyker (welllll...) of Sakon Yamamoto.  The result?


Owtch.  Brilliantly done, Giancarlo Fisichella.  Here's your Mooooooo-oove!

*DRIVER QUOTES OF THE RACE:
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F1 UPDATE!: SHANGHAI!

Wow.  Just... wow.  THIS... is F1 UPDATE!

*WHAT'S THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN?: That's what Lewis Hamilton had to be thinking as he sat on the grid, waiting for the lights to go out. The McLaren has been a brick all season, never retiring due to mechanical failure.  It was the fastest chassis.  And he was the best driver in the field.  No sweat.  Even the rain wouldn't've worried him overmuch; didn't he win the GP of Japan in rain a lot worse than the drizzle falling now?  When the lights went out, he rocketed away and dominated the field.  His 'teammate' was pinned behind both Ferraris.  He didn't even worry when the rain stopped; yeah, he was on intermediate tires, but Race Control was saying the rain would start again in a few minutes.  But it didn't.  The first round of pitstops was for fuel only; both McLaren and Ferrari sent their cars back out on worn tires.  This is not as big a deal as you might think; when intermediates wear down, they go smooth, like slicks.  Yes, if it starts to rain, they're useless, but Race Control had decided that it wouldn't rain again for a while...
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F1 UPDATE!: JAPAN DRIVER QUOTES!

*DRIVER QUOTES OF THE RACE:

"Well, that was different. Except me on the podium, that is. That's still the same. Gee, where's Alonso?" - Lewis Hamilton

"I couldn't see Kimi during those last few laps, because my mirrors had steamed up. Don't ask what I was doing to make them steam up, please." - Heikki Kovaleininininnie

"mrmmgmrm mrmmrmmml cold mrmrlmlmrrmmlm wet mrbmlmblm mbmbl." - Kimi Raikkonen

"It’s a crazy thing to be a racing driver - on the one hand you’re scared, but on the other, you’re having the time of your life because every moment you’re right on the edge, even on the straights." - David Coulthard's Chin (note: real quote)

"For god's sake, I finished fifth today, and I wasn't ever on camera. Not even when I crossed the line. Everybody else got a camerashot. What's a guy gotta do?" - Giancarlo Fisichella

"I was told I was going to win the Championship. 'It is in the bag,' Todt said, 'no problem.' I'm holding my breath until I'm declared the champion. mmmmph!" - Felipe Massa

"I lost places at the start because my car ingested water into the air filter, and I had no power. The car also ingested water into the cockpit, struts, steering wheel, engine cover, rear wing, brake ducts, six-point harness, gearbox, and driver." - Robert Kubica

"It's great earning a point for Toro Rosso. Wait, what?" - Vitantonio Liuzzi (note: Liuzzi was docked a point for passing Adrian Sutil under the safety car... leading to...)

"I missed earning Spyker's first point by one place. We were SO close. Wait, what?" - Adrian Sutil

"Spyker. Now we're being beaten by Spyker." - Rubens Barrichello

"Y'know, the car was actually EASIER to drive without the front wing..." - Jenson Button (note: Immediately after the safety car left the track, he was involved in an incident that removed said wing. He then proceeded to drive for another five laps without it.)

"I think we also should think of the Japanese fans as they were watching right to the end when it was so cold and wet!" - Sakon Yamamoto (note: real quote)

"It was a very difficult race from the beginning. Even behind the safety car the conditions were really bad - there was a lot of spray and it was hard to see anything on the straight. Then when the safety car came in the race was very wet and visibility was really, really poor. I think it was a tough afternoon for everyone out there, very cold and wet, and obviously I am disappointed with this result. Safety car.” - Jarno Trulli (mostly real quote)

"Mommy." - Grizzly Nick Heidfeld (note: pulled off-track and parked the instant Lewis Hamilton took the checkers.)

"It was very cold in the cockpit. And wet. Don't forget wet. Did I mention it was wet? And cold. At least it put out the fire quickly. I would like to thank the fans who have supported us through such cold, wet weather. Safety car." - Takuma Sato

"I tried to retire, but they sent me back out. No, really, I tried to retire: my job at the Berlin McDonalds started the next day, and I had to grab a flight." - Ralf Schumacher

"“It was a very difficult day here in Fuji. Very wet and cold conditions made it very hard for all the drivers. And cold. Wet. Are you sensing a theme here?" - Ant Davidson

"Probably the worst conditions I have ever raced in, very wet and cold. I couldn’t see a thing, and the rain caused an electronics failure that made it impossible to for me to turn right. But, on the other hand, I won today's NASCAR event." - Nico Rosberg

“I made a good start and the race was going well. Then, with the final safety car, I was behind Lewis and Mark and exiting Turn 13, I looked to the right and saw Lewis going really slowly, I don't know why, but I thought he had a problem. Probably he was heating his brakes. Then, by the time I looked forward again, I was already in the back of Mark's car and I think he had also reacted to Lewis. I apologise now to Mark because I ruined both our races. Now I'm going to go kill myself." - Sebastian Vettel (note: mostly real quote)

“That was a completely disastrous finish. Vettel... ...did a very good job of hitting me very hard under the second safety car. I think today he will have learnt a very valuable lesson.” - Mark Webber (note: real quote. We here at F1 UPDATE! know we saw a slightly less printable quote immediately after the race, something about "f#%&ing rookies..." If you saw that quote, please let us know in the comments. It was brilliant, and now it seems to have been scrubbed from the 'net.)

"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" - Fernando Alonso

"It was very bad out there today. The only way I can describe it is if you close your eyes and run through your house at high speed - then you have some idea of how it was.” - Man-mountain Wurz (note: real quote)

So, that ends this cold, wet episode of F1 UPDATE!. Next week, we'll have coverage of the Chinese Grand Prix... with special guest commentary from Vaucaunson's Duck!

So stay tuned!

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F1 UPDATE!: JAPAN!

Back in the good ol' days, every race at Fuji started like this:

The view from Massa's car.

Today? Not so much.

*SPA IS CALLING, THEY WANT THEIR WEATHER BACK: For only the fourth time in F1 history, the race began behind the safety car. Why?

Because the wet weather on Saturday became even worse by the race. In fact, this was probably the wettest race we at F1 UPDATE! have ever seen... and that includes this year's European Grand Prix. See, that race just had one downpour. Today's race had medium-to-heavy rain all day long. So much rain fell, in fact, that the first 17 laps were run behind the safety car. While we believe it was a bad decision to do that, at least the race did complete in the two-hour time limit.

*DID WE MENTION THE RAIN?: This view from Takuma Sato's cockpit just says it all:

The surprising thing was that there were so few accidents.

*OH, THE RACE! FORGOT ABOUT THAT...: Once the safety car went away, we actually got a pretty decent race, with some heavy implications on the Driver's Championship. Lewis Hamilton was possessed by the spirit of Michael Schumacher and turned in a masterful wet-weather drive, winning by nearly 13 seconds. Fernando Alonso, on the other hand, spun and crashed out of the race around the 2/3rds mark, and now finds himself 12 points behind his teammate with two races to go, a nearly insurmountable gap. Felipe Massa is now out of contention altogether, and Kimi Raikkonen in third is hanging on by the skin of his teeth.

*DRIVER OF THE RACE: Heikki Koveleaininnie. Renault gambled in qualifying, setting both their cars up for a dry race. The gamble failed miserably, dropping both Heikki and Giancarlo Fisichella way down the grid, and seemingly costing them any shot at a podium. Nevertheless, Heikki, running no rear wing to speak of, and therefore suffering from a tremendous lack of grip, managed to run his Renault up into 2nd place. He then had to fight off his fellow Finnish racer Kimi Raikkonen in the last lap to stay in second. Considering that, by all rights, he should have been off-track a dozen times today, Heikki Koveleaininninininnie gets the DotR.

*TEAM OF THE RACE: Renault. Rain may be the great equalizer, but it also makes a mockery of all the plans and strategies that go into a F1 race. No team looked good today: McLaren had their first DNF, Ferrari peed one right down the leg of their firesuits by starting their cars on completely undriveable Intermediates, RedBull/Toro Rosso managed to go from podium finishes (and a possible win) to wrecking themselves (see the "MOOOO-oove" below)... the list goes on and on. But there was Renault, coming in 2nd and 5th with either an example of marvelous improvisation or incredible good luck, and their best race of the year.

*MOVE OF THE RACE: On the final lap of the race, Felipe Massa was frantically trying to get past Robert Kubica for sixth place. For the last third of the lap, Massa was either alongside, immediately behind, or just a smidge ahead of Kubica, but not past him. Then he basically played a game of chicken with the Pole, getting his tires so close to the BMW that Kubica could have counted the number of tread grooves on the Ferrari's 'full wet' rubbers. Kubica peeled off, then swung back in towards the red car. Massa, who'd spent the majority of the day off-track anyway and probably had a good feel for the asphalt runoff areas, intentionally blew the final turn. Probably screaming "Screw the rain" in Brazillian, he then buried the accelerator and outran Kubica to the finish line. We have no idea how the FIA Stewards won't investigate the racing activities there, but for now, Massa gets the Move of the Race for that startling sequence.

*MOOOOOOO-OOOVE OF THE RACE: Toro Rosso's Sebastian Vettel had it all today. Everything was going his way, from becoming the youngest driver in F1 history to lead a lap, to sitting pretty in 3rd place after Alonso pronged his McLaren, bringing out the safety car. Just ahead of him was Mark Webber in his RedBull, the junior team following the Big team. Both would have been the best finishes ever for their respective teams, and Webber had a distinct chance at a win (as Hamilton seemed to be having problems after being bumped earlier in the race). Then it all turned to dust, as somehow Vettel rammed into the rear of Webber's car, destroying the Red Bull's suspension and knocking him out of the race. Vettel's Toro Rosso limped back to the pits with it's front-left tire at a 45-degree angle to the direction of travel. From hero to goat in one second. The last shot we saw of Vettel was of him in the back of the Toro Rosso pits, helmeted head in his hands, his body language suggesting that he wanted to learn more about seppuku, in a hurry.

Honorable mention goes to the SuperAguri mechanic who decided to lean over and manually (i.e., with his fingers) open Takuma Sato's fuel cover after he had just had nearly a full tank put in, thereby causing this:

"Um... Taku? Pay no attention to that orange glow in your cockpit, and whatever you do, DON'T look in your mirrors..."

*DRIVER QUOTES OF THE RACE: will be posted Sunday afternoon.

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F1 UPDATE!: SPA Driver Quotes!

"mmrmmrrm mrmblm heh mrmmmrb Spa mrmmmrb ha." - Kimi Raikkonen

"We win. Everybody else loses. And we've got the FIA in our pocket. Life is good." - Felipe Massa

"Snotnosed punk trying to pass me at the start? Guess I showed him who's boss." - Fernando Alonso

"I just feel for someone that's always complaining about people doing unfair maneuvers, and everyone wanting to be fair and someone I look up to, and he has gone and swiped me and pushed me as wide as he could. I was just really lucky there was a run-off area so I could take that." - Lewis Hamilton (note: real quote)

"My usual, lonely, race. Couldn't reach the top 4, wasn't threatened by 6th place, just a pleasant Sunday drive." - Grizzly Nick Heidfeld

"Next time I'll make things more interesting, Nick." - Nico Rosberg

"today my thoughts are of course with the McRae family and the terrible tragedy that happened yesterday.” - Mark Webber (note: real quote)

“It felt like I drove half of the race with my mirrors today..." - Heikki Koveleininnie (note: real quote. Next time, try driving with the steering wheel, Heikki.)

"I drove with my steering wheel, look where it got me." - Robert Kubica

"I had a great race, I finished 10th, and I got a callback for an interview at the Hamburg McDonalds tomorrow! I'm so happy!" - Ralf Schumacher

"Hi, I'm Jarno Trulli, and I can't get off the starting line to save my life." - Jarno Trulli

"It was a job well done apart from a problem with the right front wheel during the pit stop which cost me a few seconds, that meant I could not fight with Button. But he retired anyway.” - Vitantonio Liuzzi (note: real quote)

"I spend the entire season fighting SuperAguri. I finally get away from them, but now I'm fighting with Spyker? I hate my miserable life." - Rubens Barrichello

"Hi, Rubens! Gosh, it's good to see you here in the midpack! Wow, the air is thin up this high..." - Adrian Sutil

"Two weeks until I'm back in Japan... and I can get some good sushi." - Takuma Sato

"It was good to see our strategy pay off." - Ant Davidson (note: real quote. Your strategy called for you to end up sixteenth, Ant?)

"...but I wasn't last." - Sakon Yamamoto

"It's always disappointing to retire from a race but it was six laps less pain as the car was so difficult to drive. And there was a rabid wombat in the cockpit with me." - Jensen Button

"RARRRGH... WURZ SMASH." - Man-mountain Wurz

"I’m shocked and saddened to hear of the loss to the McRae family, of father and son, and obviously we must acknowledge the other family that were on board the helicopter as well. Colin was a remarkable man who wore his heart on this sleeve and was the epitome of a racer; fearless and attacking, yet he remained true to his roots and grounded despite the international fame and recognition that he achieved. The world is a sorrier place without him.” - David Coulthard's Chin, fellow Scotsman

"I can't turn right, and it's worse if I go faster. Can I come home now?" - Sebastian Vettel

"AIEE. Not a real crash, but when the brakes disappear, it sure FEELS bad." - Giancarlo Fisichella

So that's it for Spa. Next up, the completely unknown Fuji Speedway in Japan... expect the Pole Position jokes to fly fast and furious!

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F1 UPDATE!: SPA!

Crepe.

*FERRARI WINS: ...and it wasn't even close. The only drama was "would Massa's car blow up before the start?" As they sat there, waiting for the lights to go green, Phil's Ferrari started to smoke like a forest fire. All was well, though, and the two Ferraris ran away and hid.

*ALONSO BEATS HAMILTON: ...after shoving him off the track in the first turn. Thanks to the reprofiling of the course, it didn't hurt Lewis much (lots of asphalt runoff there, opposed to gravel like 2005), but it's showing what Alonso's willing to do to win. After the race, Hamilton flat out said that he thinks Alonso tried to wreck him. He might be right, but, Lewis? "Shut up and drive."

*DRIVER OF THE RACE: Kimi Raikkonen. Was never challenged, never put a wheel wrong, basically drove the perfect race, and won his third consecutive F1 race at the Swimming Pool. May very well have, finally, earned himself the #1 driver status on his team.

*TEAM OF THE RACE: Ferrari. Honorable mention goes to Spyker, for their success with Adrian Sutil getting as high as 12th at one point. God, this is galling.

*MOVE OF THE RACE: On lap 3, Mark Webber tailed Heikki Kovaleinninie through Eau Rouge and pulled even Raidillon. Racing side-by-side up to Les Combes, he pinned the Renault against the right side of the course, then, at the last moment, dove cross-track into the racing line just in time for braking. Of course, 'Ninnie couldn't do anything but brake hard and lose the spot. Lovely job, Webbo!

*MOOOOOOO-OOVE OF THE RACE: Adrian Sutil took his Spyker for a fun offroad adventure, popping a wheelie out of Eau Rouge as he bounded across the grass. Still ended up 14th, so it didn't hurt him... a weak example of Bovine Behavior, but he still wins the Moooo-oove.

*DRIVER QUOTES OF THE RACE: ...are delayed until later tonight.

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F1 UPDATE!: FIA Nukes McLaren

The FIA, following today's WMSC hearing, dropped a very large nuke on Team McLaren, stripping the team's Constructor's Championship points and fining them $100 million (which is to be reduced by all prize monies won this year).

Signifigantly, McLaren was NOT excluded from the 2007 Constructor's Championship, they just had their points zeroed and they will not be allowed to score any in the next four races. This is a subtle point, but it prevents the team from automatically losing their sponsorship contracts. Can't imagine that companies like Vodafone will be pleased, though.

The drivers were NOT stripped of their points, and will be allowed to earn Driver's Championship points in the last four races.

Ferrari has stated that they are "that the truth has now emerged." Mercedes, McLaren's partner, has expressed dismay at the penalty. BMW has said that they don't want 2nd place this way. McLaren's press release was defiant:
The most important thing is that we will be going motor racing this weekend, the rest of the season and every season. This means that our drivers can continue to compete for the World Championship. However having been at the hearing today (we) do not accept that we deserved to be penalised in this way.

In 2006, Business F1 magazine said that McLaren had the largest budget in the sport, spending at least $400 million. Their fine of $100m is larger than the 2006 budgets of SuperAguri (est. $95m), Midland (now Spyker, $76m), or Toro Rosso ($66m).

Now that we've covered the details, click below for F1 UPDATE!'s analysis. more...

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F1 UPDATE!: ITALY!

The tifosi are weeping tonight... let's just get right to it, shall we?

*WHEN IS A PODIUM FINISH BAD?: When you lose 2nd place with 9 laps to go, and end up on the last step of the podium, that's when. The legendary bulletproof Ferrari is gone, replaced by a fragile beast that Felipe Massa and Kimi Raikkonen don't fully trust. Massa retired his car on lap 10 after feeling "something wrong" with the rear, possibly the same thing that caused Kimi's accident in practice. Raikkonen looked tenetive and cautious all day, and cost him 2nd place. Ferrari's only hope for either championship now appears to be McLaren's total exclusion from the season.

*McLAREN DOMINANT: In contrast, McLaren's drivers took their cars and threw them around the track with total abandon, knowing that they could get away with it. The new curbs at Monza, so high and deep that some teams (Toyota and Ferrari in particular) avoided using them as much as possible, were mere bumps to McLaren. Throw in their raw straightaway speed and fantastic cornering abilities, and the Glare With Wheels just owned Ferrari's home track today... a low-downforce style of track that the Ferrari is supposedly designed for.

*DIRTY TRICKS: Just a few hours before racetime, the Italian police arrived at the McLaren paddock and informed Ron Dennis (team principal) and selected others that they were being investigated in regards to the Stepneygate scandal. Even though they've been there since Wednesday and could have served them at any time, they chose Sunday morning. Gee, think the Boys In Red had anything to do with that, maybe thinking that their rivals would be rattled?

*DRIVER OF THE RACE: Kimi Raikkonen. Driving with an injured neck that prevented him from controlling his head movements in the turns and under braking, running a car that threw him into the wall for no reason (and caused his teammate to retire from the race), Raikkonen still managed to take 3rd place, and looked to take 2nd until late. All this while carrying a large load of fuel to run a 1-stop strategy. Not the 'charge from 22nd' style of drive, but still an impressive performance, and the lone bright spot for Ferrari this weekend.

*TEAM OF THE RACE: McLaren. Not just because they finished 1-2, with Alonso nearly a half-minute ahead of Raikkonen, but because of all the crap they've had to deal with this season. The Stewards slapped them with a horrible penalty in Hungary, they were fined after Turkey, they've got a sword dangling over their head, and their drivers want to kill each other... yet they're running away with both championships. Now THAT'S a performance.

*MOVE OF THE RACE: On lap 40, Lewis Hamilton stopped for the last time, exiting the pits behind Kimi Raikkonen, who was running a 1-stop strategy. He resumed the race some handful of seconds behind, and while it looked like he might be able to catch up in the 13 laps remaining, it'd take a miracle to get past him in the remaining time. THREE LAPS LATER, Hamilton was maybe 50 yards behind Raikkonen heading into turn one... too far back to make a move, surely. So Lewis tries it anyway, brakes about as late as humanly possible (and maybe beyond), and despite Kimi's attempt to block, still manages to sneak through and into 2nd place. Just a killer move, and possibly THE pass of the season, for all the importance riding on it. Honorable mention to Jensen Button and Nico Rosberg for their duel on lap 21, passing and repassing each other thru three turns.

*MOOOOO-OOVE OF THE RACE: Celebrating that which makes the best drivers in the world look like cud-crunching cows, the Moooooo-oove is an award given for the mistake that makes F1 look like the Three Stooges. Today's award is given, not to a driver, but to the front jackman of BMW-Sauber. On Robert Kubica's first stop from high in the standings, the jackman somehow managed to get his implement of destruction jammed under the nose. It took two men yanking on it, plus another three lifting the car, to get the jack free, costing Kubica 10 seconds extra and dropping him waaaaay back. That he was able to finish 5th is a miracle. Well done, un-named pitcrewman!

*DRIVER QUOTES OF THE RACE: more...

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F1 UPDATE!: TURKEY!

We here at F1 UPDATE! refuse to agree with those who claim that all of F1 is boring racing.

We will say that today's race from Istanbul (not Constantinople) was dull as dishwater. Let's get to the updatin'!

*CLEAN SIDE GOOD...: ...dirty side bad. When the lights went out, the grid was Ferrari-McLaren-Ferrari-McLaren-BMW-BMW. By the first corner, it was Ferrari-Ferrari-McLaren-BMW-BMW-McLaren. Guess which cars were on the dirty side of the track? The Ferraris looked like they had been launched by an aircraft carrier's catapult, the McLarens like they were imitating the infamous Minardi Chicane. The race was effectively over at that point.

*GREAT TRACK, THOUGH: The race may have been dull, but the Istanbul Autodrom is rapidly climbing our list of favorite F1 tracks, and Quad-8 may very well be THE turn in Formula 1. Eau Rouge might be the only one that can compete with it now that 130-R has fallen off the calendar. (Suzuka R.I.P.)

*DRIVER OF THE RACE: No obvious winners today, so we'll give it to Felipe Massa for his dominating race. Just about as perfect a drive as you can expect to get.

*TEAM OF THE RACE: Ferrari. 1-2 on the podium, and McLaren never really challenged them, though Hamilton hung close during the first stint. Guess maybe that broken wind tunnel really DID have something to do with it?

*MOVE OF THE RACE: None. Oh, Button did have a decent pass on David Coulthard's Chin at Turn 1 early on, but we don't want to give the MOTR to such a pedestrian move.

*MOOOOO-OOVE OF THE RACE: Also None. For once, there really wasn't a flat-out "what were they THINKING?" manuever in the race. Other than the Lap 1, Turn 1 incident when five cars tried to go into a space only large enough for three (which is the norm for the first turn of a F1 race), there's nothing we can point to and say "MOOOOOOO!" So, instead, here's a picture of Lewis Hamiton's tire acting like a S&M Dominatrix:

*DRIVERS QUOTES OF THE RACE: more...

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Not F1 UPDATE!: Hungary.

There will be no F1 UPDATE! for the Hungarian Grand Prix. Due to a heavy storm last night (and the subsequent knocking-out of the apartment complex's satellite dish and lack of replay on SPEEDchannel this week), I'm going to miss a F1 race for the first time in four years.

I'm mildly annoyed about this, but considering that Hungary is traditionally the least exciting race of the season (last year's race notwithstanding), and the results listing suggests a processional, I'm not too upset about missing this one.

I am upset that I don't get to do a F1 UPDATE!, but... *shrug*

Results
1 L. Hamilton McLaren 1:35:52.991
2 K. Räikkönen Ferrari + 0.715
3 N. Heidfeld BMW + 43.129
4 F. Alonso McLaren + 44.858
5 R. Kubica BMW + 47.616
6 R. Schumacher Toyota + 50.669
7 N. Rosberg Williams + 59.139
8 H. Kovalainen Renault + 1:08.104
9 M. Webber Red Bull + 1:16.331
10 J. Trulli Toyota + 1 laps
11 D. Coulthard Red Bull + 1 laps
12 G. Fisichella Renault + 1 laps
13 F. Massa Ferrari + 1 laps
14 A. Wurz Williams + 1 laps
15 T. Sato Super Aguri + 1 laps
16 S. Vettel Scuderia Toro Rosso + 1 laps
17 A. Sutil Spyker F1 + 2 laps
18 R. Barrichello Honda + 2 laps
Did not finish
19 V. Liuzzi Scuderia Toro Rosso + 27 laps
20 A. Davidson Super Aguri + 29 laps
21 J. Button Honda + 35 laps
22 S. Yamamoto Spyker F1 + 65 laps

Alonso was bumped 5 spots on the grid, as was Giancarlo Fisichella, also for blocking. Felipe Massa gets no points for his 13th place finish. Raikkonen and Alonso have both bitched about the track being boring, joining just about every fan on the planet... maybe something'll be done sometime.

So... that's it. If'n y'all want more info on today's race, I suggest GrandPrix.com... they're my favorite F1 website!

Sorry.

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