..and now it's time for everybody's favorite part of F1 UPDATE!, the *QUOTES OF THE RACE:

"Get used to it, boys, I'll be here all season long." - Fernando Alonso.

"Even though I am twenty three points behind Alonso, I don’t think the fight for the championship is over. I also don't think that stopping on the track to slow my competetors down during qualifying is wrong, so take that for what it's worth." - Michael "Parky" Schumacher.

"Mmrmmbrbmb brmmrmbmm mbrbmmbrbldbm." - Kimi Raikonnen.

"PLEASE let me drive Renault next year! PLEE-HE-HE-HEEEESE!!!" - Giancarlo Fisichella.

"I did not have any particular problems during the race, even though I had no more sets of new tyres, having used all of them in free practice and qualifying." - Felipe Massa, finding new ways to blame anything but himself.

"Mmmm... perforated McLaren no drive so good." - JP Montoya, who actually had a pretty good race, considering the swiss cheese Jack Newtown made of his right sidepod

"Can someone tell me how my start went? I had my eyes closed." - Quick Nick Heidfeld.

"People told me married men go slower, but I think it is the opposite!" - Jack Newtown in a real quote. His wife confirms, he's still fast.

"Last year, I was on the podium all the time. This year, I'm not. F1 is hard!" - Nico Rosberg, expecting us to feel sorry for him, maybe?

"*incoherent sobbing*" - Rubens Barrichello.

"It was always going to be a hard day's work out there from the back of the grid, but I enjoyed it." - Jarno Trulli, in a real quote. Of course he enjoyed it; there were no expectations of him.

"Bitchbitchbitchbitchpantsbitch." - David Coulthard's Chin.

"BlahblahblahblahblahV10blahblahblahblah. So, to sum it up - a good result." - Vitantonio Liuzzi, in a paraphrasing of his real quote.

"The race was a disaster for me. In fact, much of my career has been a disaster for me, so I don't know why this is much of a surprise." - Christian Klien.

"Our start was terrible: everybody passed me when I let out the clutch and I had to overtake two Super Aguris on the first lap..." - Christijan Albers, discovering that life could be worse...

"I used all my tires during quals. Who knew making it to the second round would make life so difficult?" - Tiago Montiero.

"We were quite off the pace today and it was a tough race for us." - Takuma Sato. SuperAguri is considering making this their motto.

"We were quite off the pace today and it was a tough race for us." - Franck "The Barber" Montagnie.

"Don't tell the engineers... I planned the engine blowup. Wanted to get a good seat for the WC match." - Jensen Button, English to the end.

"I don't think he was expecting me to be there." - American Scott Speed, passing the buck to...

"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" - Ralf Schumacher.

"Wha? AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" - Mark Webber.

And so, the British GP comes to an end, as does this edition of F1 UPDATE! We'll be back for the Canadian GP, though, so don't you go nowhere!

Well, you can go to work, and stuff. We don't expect you to click refresh 24 hours a day for the next 14 days, after all...

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1 Heh, I use the rss feed, I just know when you post

I think it was before practice that ITV showed an interview with Schumacher where he appeared to be apologising, but I am sure it was the fact that English is not his mother tongue that meant it sounded a lot like "I'm sorry you think I did something wrong".

Posted by: flotsky at June 12, 2006 07:12 PM (6T2ID)

2 ...which is not the same as saying "I did something wrong, I'm sorry."

Parky knows english perfectly well. He knows what he said.

Posted by: Wonderduck at June 13, 2006 01:32 AM (Ffvoi)

3 Why is Shumaker still racing, after such an unsportsmanlike display? Why will the other racers still have him on the track?

Posted by: vaucanson's duck at June 13, 2006 06:24 AM (oplPK)

4 A fine question, that. I'm not sure they DO want him on the track. Unfortunately, there's nothing the Grand Prix Racer's Association can actually DO to him.

Unless the other drivers all walk out, refuse to get in their cars... and the Parky incident probably doesn't warrant that... Schumacher is perfectly clear to drive.

Posted by: Wonderduck at June 14, 2006 08:12 AM (+rGmJ)

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Wow. Boy, that wasn't very interesting, was it? Still and all, it's time for F1 UPDATE!!!

*MICHAEL WHO?: Fernando Alonso beat the pants off of everybody his... um... 217th straight win. He can now fail to finish in both the Canadian and the US Grands Prix, and still have 3 point lead over Michael Schumacher, assuming Parky wins both. Parky can win every race from here on out, and if Alonso finishes 2nd in all of them he'll win the championship. Pretty amazing stuff.

*CBS BLOWS IT AGAIN: AGAIN with the "crashing over the curbs," Derek Daly? Can somebody PLEASE hand him a thesaurus? And maybe some talent? This race was excruciatingly bad from the announcers... I mean, Yuji Ide-level bad. Icepick to the eardrums bad. Jordan-bad. Thank heavens that this was the last one of these tortures we'll have to endure, though chances are we'll have Daly inflicted upon us as a pitlane reporter at the USGP.

*DRIVER OF THE RACE: Fernando Alonso, Renault. We'll probably find out just how good he is next year, when he sits in a McLaren, but as of right now, he's the King of F1. He almost had the 'race triple-crown' of winning from pole, leading every lap, and setting fast lap today, missing by one Giancarlo Fisichella lap led. (editor's note: I DID get the hat-trick in a McLaren at Imola over at BATracer... it was pretty cool. Also won by 58 seconds...)

*TEAM OF THE RACE: Renault. Again with the race-dominating? This is getting boring, guys... can you program a meeting with the Wall of Champions next race, please? Thanks.

*MOVE OF THE RACE: Jensen Button on lap 6 stuck to the rear of Vitantonio Liuzzi thru Becketts (at 5Gs!) and whipped past him in Stowe. Pretty flash Jense! Three laps later, he was out of the race. Honorable mention goes to Nick Heidfeld's start. He dodged left, then dove right across the track and picked up two places. Awesome stuff from BMW-Sauber. Now if only Derek Daly hadn't managed to piss the excitement away by incessantly calling you "Quick Nick." Yes, that's his nickname, Derek. Calling him that 8 times in 3 minutes doesn't make you sound any more of an insider.

*MOOOOOOOO-VE OF THE RACE: There Can Be Only One: American Scott Speed, I'm looking at you. "It was a racing incident, I guess he didn't see me," quoth Scott after the accident that spun Ralfy-boy into Mark Webber, taking out all three cars. Um, Scott? Do you REALLY expect someone to be looking over their right shoulder... IN BECKETTS? Congrats, lad, not only did you drive like a cow, you sounded stupid, too. Nice job!

The QUOTES OF THE RACE will be posted Monday!

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The glitz, the glamour, the F1 UPDATE!

*WELL, IT WAS GOOD WHILE IT LASTED: Nope, not much passing. Runaway winner, too. But the first 2/3rds of the race was actually interesting, and that's more than can be said for most of the races this season. C'mon, watching Raikkonen hook himself to Alonso's rear wing and hang on was great! And Webber just seems to LOVE this track, holding down a solid podium finish with great aplomb until his engine melted down. And then Raikkonen's McLaren died a whimpering death, and the race was dull again.

*GEE, MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T CHEAT, HUH?: Schumacher ended up 5th, after starting from the back of the grid. "I am still disappointed about what happened yesterday, especially in the light of today's performance. I was amazed at how tough the Stewards' decision was." said Slappy afterwards. We're disappointed, too, Slappy.

*DRIVER OF THE RACE: Welcome back to the podium, David Coulthard's Chin! Okay, it wasn't an awe-inspiring drive, but he made no mistakes and was rewarded when his competitors' cars died. Sometimes a brilliant drive is the one that isn't brilliant at all. Congrats to the RBR team, too, for their first podium.

*TEAM OF THE RACE: Renault is the only one that really qualifies, since no one team really had a good Monaco race other than them. Meh. Honorable mention to RBR, of course, for their first podium. Too bad about the cape, though.

*MOVE OF THE RACE: Slappy. Lap 20. Chicane. He caught Button napping, shoved his way inside, and trotted past the Honda. Stuff like this makes the quals debacle so sad... the guy can DRIVE. He doesn't need to cheat.

*MOOOOOOOOOO-OVE OF THE RACE: Celebrating the things that make us wonder how these guys ever managed to sit down into a car without missing, let alone drive it at Monaco, the MotR tonight goes to Christijan Albers' start. He swerves all the way across the track, pins his TEAMMATE to the wall, and gets a drive-thru penalty for it. Way to go, Christijan! We don't know what you were thinking, but we were thrilled to see it... we knew the MotR was won right then and there!

*QUOTES OF THE RACE: more...

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ZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*snort*uh? Oh. Oh! Um. It's F1 UPDATE!

*LETS BE FAIR: I was particularly hard on CBS' coverage of the San Marino Grand Prix, and for good ("CRASHING over the curbs") reason. This race, they didn't have much to work with but Daly and Shaheen did an okay job. They didn't make me want to take a toothpick to my ears, and they ran with the one storyline that they could, namely, the "homecoming" of Fernando Alonso. Now if only they could calm down a little bit...

*FERNAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNDO! (repeat ad infinitum): Okay, the race was pretty dull after the first pitstop. I'll give you that; it's a fine example of why F1 isn't well-liked in the US... no passing, no challenges, just parading. But the crowd reaction to Fernando Alonso's driving, leading, and winning was just astounding. It reminded me of the Winter Olympics this year, when the first Italian stood on the top of the podium, and the whole crowd sang along with the anthem. The audience was proud of him, for their national pride. Thrilling, and exactly what A1GP wants to be.

*SAAAAAAAAAAAAATO! SAAAAAAAAAATO!: Takuma Sato continues to defy projections by a) still being alive, and b) not having killed anybody. In fact, Taku has been well-controlled all season. Kinda dull, actually. I hope a little of the Suicide Sato spirit comes back when he has a REAL car underneath him.

*TEAM OF THE RACE: Renault. 1st/3rd and a dominating performance, showing Ferrari that if they want the Championship, they're going to have to beat them for it. I don't see it happening, to be honest.

*DRIVER OF THE RACE: Fernaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnndo Alonso. He wins his home race after the first round of pitstops, and wins without having been challenged. Who else could have been picked?

*MOVE OF THE RACE: We here at F1 UPDATE! don't like giving this award to something that happens on the first lap. So MUCH happens on the run to the first corner that it's hard to say "aha, that's a great move." For this race, though, we've GOT to give it to Kimi Raikkonnen's lunge at the start. There was exactly one car width plus three inches between the two Toyotas, and Kimi slotted his McLaren deftly down the center of them, and made it look EASY. Bravo! Honorable mention goes to Franck "The Barber" Montagny for his (unseen) start that took him from 21st to 17th.

*MOOOOOOOOOOOO-VE OF THE RACE: Reader Vaucason's Duck suggested that Takuma Sato's spin on lap 10 should win this award. While we admit that it was impressive, the fact that he was able to recover from his pirouette and keep going almost without slowing down shows too much grace of form to win this award. No, one must be truly bovine to win the Mooooove. No finer example of this cow-like behavior could be found than that shown by JP Montoya, who wound up highcentering his McLaren on a curb, much like a turtle on a rock. Not since Scott Speed during practice in Montreal have we seen such a sight, and it was heartwarming indeed. Bravo, Tennis Master! Honorable Mention must go to Cora Schumacher's Husband, Ralf, for his idiotic attempt to pass HIS OWN TEAMMATE down the inside, resulting in a snapped-off front wing stuck under his car, and eventual retirement from the race. We hear the Budapest McDonalds is looking for help, Ralf...

*QUOTES OF THE RACE: more...

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We liked it better when it was the Grand Prix of Luxembourg, but the F1 UPDATE! crew welcomes you to the Nurburgring, a/k/a 'The Nurb', for the latest round of the World Championship!

*SILK PURSE: It was 30 years ago that Niki Lauda had his horrendous crash at the Old Nurburgring, resulting in him being pinned inside his burning car. If not for the heroic actions of four fellow drivers who stopped racing and rescued him, he surely would have died. As it was, he suffered severe burns. Ironically, Lauda had been trying to get the drivers to boycott the race, due to the danger the track posed, but was outvoted. As a memorial of sorts to the accident, Lauda, Darth Bernie, and some others went out to the place where the wreck happened. After a ceremonial drink, someone pulled a pig's ear out of the grass and said "Hey, Niki, we found your ear!" We here at F1 UPDATE! wince at that sort of cruel humor (mostly because we weren't asked to attend the ceremony), but the fact that Lauda enjoyed it makes it okay. A grand old chap... can we have him run the FIA, please?

*VILLENUEVE 'PENALIZED': Pre-race, Fisichella's whining managed to get Jack Newhouse wrist slapped. The FIA, in an attempt to get Fisi to just shut up, already, "penalized" Jack by taking away his three fastest qualifying times, dropping him down to 10th (from 9th) on the grid. This put him behind Mark Webber, who then took a 10-spot penalty for his engine change, putting Jacques back in 9th. Flavio Briatore was then summoned, handed a pacifier and a box of diapers, and told to change his driver's romper suit, as Giancarlo was being a big baby again.

*TEAM OF THE RACE: Ferrari. Now it's 1st-3rd and you gotta figure that they're really back, which makes this season REALLY interesting.

*DRIVER OF THE RACE: Because we don't want to give it to Slappy Schumacher twice in a row, we're instead going to give this race's award to his teammate Felipe Massa for his first ever podium. F1 UPDATE! was surprised to realize that little fact, and makes us repeat that Felipe Massa is the LUCKIEST BOY ALIVE!!! Honorable Mention goes to Nico (Wonderboy) Rosberg for his 7th place finish from dead last on the grid.

*MOVE OF THE RACE: A Midlands MF1 sighting! On lap 13, Christijan Albers came roaring up behind Takuma Sato's Super Aguri (please note: some slugs also can come roaring up behind a Super Aguri) heading into turn 1. Albers outbraked the Modern Day Kamikaze, elbowed him wide, and took the place. Sure, it was for 17th, but it was still a pretty sweet pass.

*MOOOOOOOOOOOO-OOVE OF THE RACE: For once, it was hard to come up with one this week. So hard, in fact, that we had to go all the way back to the first turn of the race, where we found Ralf Schumacher tagging Vitantonio Liuzzi, who then crunched David Coulthard's Chin. Liuzzi didn't make it past the end of the lap, The Chin made it to the pits only to drop out almost immediately afterwards. Nice job, Ralf: TWO Red Bulls at once!

*DRIVER QUOTES: more...

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Ahhhhhhhhhh... the Legendary Announce Team. All is right with the world. Lets get right to it!

*HAVEN'T WE SEEN THIS BEFORE?: No, we're not talking about this particular race (which, of course, was butchered on CBS). We're talking about these two cars, running on this track, dicing for first place for an extended period of time. Like, say, last year? It just amazes us that this sort of thing can happen... serendipity, we suppose.

*IS THAT ALL THERE IS?: Thanks, Italian TV, for giving us the in-depth coverage of Alonso vs Schumaker. In the future, however, would it be too much to ask for a few other cars, too? There WERE other racers on the track... not that you could tell from the Italian coverage, however.

*GOODBYE, IMOLA... YOU KNOW THE REST.: They're going to be remodling Imola; Variante Bassa will disappear, replaced by a widened and modernized pitlane. Maybe we'll see a track that people can pass on now.

*TEAM OF THE RACE: Ferrari. As much as it pains me to say it, Ferrari. Particularly after the nightmare they had in Australia, 1st/4th is a fantastic result. But it IS Imola, and Ferrari ALWAYS does well at Imola.

*DRIVER OF THE RACE: Slappy. We're going to go kill ourselves now.

*MOVE OF THE RACE: We've been told that Mark Webber had a big pass on Barrichello, but nobody got to see it due to the love affair Italian TV had with the color red. So Webbo gets it on word-of-mouth.

*MOOOOOOOO-O-O-OVE OF THE RACE: We've got two for your enjoyment this race! The first, on lap one, goes to Fast Yuji Ide, for his... um... ham-fisted driving that launched Christian Albers into a quadruple roll with a half-twist. 9.5, with a 4.3 from the East German judge, he didn't like that at all.
The second bovine manuever goes, not to a driver, but to the lollypop man for Honda. There was absolutely no sign that Jensen Button's 2nd stop was finished; the tires were on, but the fuel hose was clearly still attached. Still, up the lollypop went and off Jense went... dragging half the pitcrew with him, ripping the nozzle off the fuel rig, and nearly guillotining the driver with the lollypop. Thankfully, the safety devices on the fuel rig worked perfectly, but even so some amount of fuel DID spill. Somehow, it didn't ignite. Moo!

*DRIVER QUOTES: more...

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Good lord, what a race that was! Lets just get right to it, shall we?

*BENNY HILL IS NOT DEAD: At least, judging from the first moments of this race! We have JP Montoya spinning on the recon lap, then The @$$less Wonder stalling his car on the grid, causing another recon lap (saving Montoya from starting from the back of the pack), then Massa being speared into Rosberg, who loses his rear wing while the Ferrari loses the left side of his car in the tirebarrier (and blowing his radiator, to boot). As if that wasn't enough, The @$$less Wonder ALSO spins when he comes up to this incident. THEN David Coulthard's Chin bumps The Engineer, breaking the Toyota's left-rear suspension and bringing Trulli to a halt on the track, bringing out the Safety Car. MEANWHILE, as the Chin and Trulli tussled, the two McLarens seem to be on the verge of breaking the cardinal rule of F1: DON'T KILL YOUR TEAMMATE! And then it all settles down behind the safety car. Weird beginning to a race, but as we saw, it got SO much stranger.

*DEAD CARS EVERYWHERE: ...but nobody went out in a way more flamboyant than Jensen Button. Never mind the fact that he had a miserable race, dropping off from Pole to nowhere and never challenging for a podium, on that final lap he gave us quite the show. He had managed to hold of The @$$less Wonder for multiple laps, and it looked like he would escape with fifth. Then in the last turn, in the immortal words of Steve Matchett, "KaBLAMMO!" The left bank of his engine lets go, smoke, then a GIGANTIC plume of flame. Fisichella must have proved he indeed has an @$$, for it sure LOOKED like the flame was over the front of his car, and there's a reason those outfits are called 'poopy suits.' Fisi's was probably filled with, well, you can guess. Button, on the other hand, either couldn't make the line or he figured that it'd be best to stop short (and thus not suffer an engine-change penalty). Either way, he stopped three lengths from the finish line. Say it with me now: "OH-ver-RAY-ted *clap clap clapclapclap*!"

*TEAM OF THE RACE: Renault. 1st and 5th, and a complete domination of the race by Fernando Alonso. Nobody ever came close to him, save during the many safety car periods. (Sucky Team of the Race goes to Ferrari. Both cars wreck? Gonna be a LONG three week layoff for the Boys in Red.)

*DRIVER OF THE RACE: Cora's husband, Ralf. Toyota first podium of the year, even it DID seem like he picked up some places under yellow. Toyota's bitten the wax tadpole all year so long, looking like complete amateurs. Not today. (Worst Driver of the Race? Yuji Ide, SuperAguri. His fast lap of the race {look it up} not withstanding, he was a rolling chicane all day, and he surely cost Rubens Barrichello a few places on the grid during quals with his cow-like driving.)

*MOVE OF THE RACE: We've got two this race. The first goes to Fernando Alonso during the rolling restart after the first safety car. You can't pass on a restart until you cross the start/finish line. Alonso timed his getting on the gas perfectly, crossing the line side-by-side with Button, exactly .023 seconds "behind" him. A half-second later, he was past and gone, with a 2.7 second lead by the end of the lap.

The second move goes to about 10 cars during the lap 38 restart and subsequent yellow-safety car sequence. Liuzzi wrecks in turn 2, and immediately half the field tries to pass the other half, seemingly all in a space roughly the size of a shoebox. At one point there were four cars abreast, trying to get past two more side-by-side cars... and nobody wrecked. Why do people think F1 drivers are the best in the world? Right there is why.

*MOOOOOO-OOVE OF THE RACE: Slappy Schumacher. Oy. When was the last time you saw Schumi screw up like that during a race? He goes too wide on the last turn (not the first to do so, nor the last) catches a tire on the outside of the curb, catapulting the rear of the car off the ground and sending the Ferrari hard into the wall. Yes, his tires were lousy. Yes, he was pushing to compensate for that. Boo-frickin'-hoo... he went too fast, too hard, too bad so sad. Crunch.

*DRIVER QUOTES: more...

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1 Yay, great update

That was the most fun I've been awake for at 5am in years. I was a little wired on coffee, I could have sworn I remembered 6 safety car periods, even though according to the BBC and others there were only 4.

On a serious note, those were some nasty wrecks today, high speed with cars spearing off in the wrong direction unexpectedly. I know there were issues with keeping heat in the tires, but I still felt myself that there was something not right, that we shouldn't see that many big moments. Just glad everyone is in one piece.

My personal highlight was Fischi's telling off by his bosses, live on the race coverage. Essentially he was the naughty schoolboy caught out slacking off.

And Button. Bad day at the office doesn't even start to cover it. It is good to know that we Brits are right behind him too. I was on a message board just before the race, and we were trying to predict how many corners he lasted in the lead. Not many was the main answer

Posted by: flotsky at April 02, 2006 07:41 PM (6T2ID)

2 I thought Honda did away with the Push-To-Detonate(pass) button on their engines after 2002. Poor Jense just couldn't resist the temptation of the forbidden fruit though, it seems.

I had to chuckle when I heard Permane chewing out Fisichella as well.

Posted by: SkarTisu at April 03, 2006 12:39 AM (g/Pq4)

3 Well, as the Legendary Announce Team told us US watchers repeatedly, that's the problem with 'temporary circuits.' No runoff area, really really hard walls, and the like.

I kept flashing back to Alonso's wreck in the 2004 US Grand Prix, when he took a hard left coming down the front straight (but the track turned right). That one was due to a flat tire, though, and the ones here in Australia didn't seem to have anything to do with that.

Posted by: Wonderduck at April 03, 2006 05:27 PM (Ffvoi)

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Race 2 in the books, lets get to the updatin'!

*LUMP GO BOOM!: When people look back at week 2 of the 2006 Formula 1 season, they will marvel at the amount of engines that had their "magic smoke" released from them. Nico Rosberg's impersonation of a F-4 Phantom II was particularly awe-inspiring, but there were many, many others over the weekend. The question becomes "Is this going to happen every other week?" Or was it just because it was 100 degrees F. and humid in Kuala Lumpur this weekend? Time will tell, but remind me how this was supposed to save money?

*RACE GO YAWN!: Not a very thrilling race from the standpoint of it ever being in doubt. The boys in Renault blue & yellow led all but one lap, and Giancarlo Fisichella led all but six laps (if the F1 UPDATE!'s statisticians are correct) in his win from pole. Just goes to show that the new qualifying format hasn't been figured out yet by the teams: the cars that could have challenged for the win wound up stuck behind slower teams due to engine changes and the like, and that let Fisi run and hide.

*TEAM OF THE RACE: Renault. Their first one-two podium finish since 1983 (when they were Benneton), decided in dominating fashion. Who else could this be given to?

*DRIVER OF THE RACE: Giancarlo Fisichella, Renault. Okay, Fisi, you got your one win of the year. Now sit down.

*MOVE OF THE RACE: For sheer impressiveness, it's got to be Fernando Alonso's start, jumping from seventh to third by the first corner. Renault's amazing starting ability almost makes a mockery of the grid system. Honorable mention goes to Rubens Barrichello. Somewhere around the middle of the race, Vitantonio Liuzzi and Takuma Sato were involved in a bitter struggle for 14th position; Barrichello, who at the time was a lap up on the two and trying to get by them, dove underneath at the apex of a turn and snuck by in blistering fashion, all the while praying they saw him coming. He got lucky, and gets an HMotR because of it.

*MOOOOOOOOO-VE OF THE RACE: Celebrating the bovine in every F1 driver, the Moooooo-Ve this week goes to Jarno "The Engineer" Trulli. In a race that was actually pretty good as far as lack of bovine actions go, Trulli wins this week's award by holding up half the field for most of the race. Shovel coal faster, Jarno!

*DRIVER QUOTES: more...

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Hello and welcome to a new season of F1 UPDATE! Lets just get right to the fun stuff!!!

*EVERYTHING OLD IS... HEY, WHO'S THAT GUY IN RED?: Last season, it was pretty common to see Fernando Alonso standing on the podium (what WAS up with that hip swivel thing, anyway?), with Kimi Raikkonen joining him. The first race of 2006 was no different, but Michael "Slappy" Schumacher was an unfamiliar face. While the staff here at F1 UPDATE! never felt that Slappy really had a chance to win the race, it's an interesting (and, we admit, unexpected) development to see Ferrari back as a legit challenger.

*EVERYTHING NEW IS... UM... STILL NEW: Toro Lawnmowero's Scott Speed and Williams' Nico Rosberg showed that they might be rookies, but they drive like deserve to be on the grid. Quite the welcome switch from last year's rookie crop.

*TEAM OF THE RACE: Williams-Cosworth. After the disasterous season they had last year, one had to wonder just exactly how good Williams could be with a new engine supplier. Well, they showed that they're potentially quite good, finishing 6th and 7th. A tip of the cap goes to McLaren as well, but they were expected to be good, so 3rd and 5th isn't enough to get the TotR award.

*DRIVE OF THE RACE: Kimi Raikkonen, McLaren. It's almost becoming dull: Kimi has something break during qualifying, Kimi starts from the back of the grid, Kimi ends up on the podium. The result might be "ho-hum, what again?", but it's still enough to earn the Drive of the Race.

*MOVE OF THE RACE: No single pass was awe-inspiring enough to truly earn the MotR, but Jensen Button had a slew of decent passes on top-level competiton, with his lap 11 pass of JP Montoya being the best of the bunch.

*MOOOOOOOOO-VE OF THE RACE: Ferrari's Felipe Massa takes this prize, with his wheel-smoking spin/pass of Fernando Alonso on Lap 8. How Alonso managed to miss pronging himself into the side of Massa still boggles our minds here at F1 UPDATE!, and exactly where Massa's brain was at the time also boggles our minds. The way it happened, we thought the Ferrari had broken something, or had a tire die... nope, he just lost it. Moo.

*QUOTES OF THE RACE: more...

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It saddens our hearts to think that our readers have missed the F1 UPDATE! crew during the long, cold offseason. So much, in fact, that we're now back with the second part of our look at the personalities that make up the Rolling Asylum that is Formula One.

(cue 'Shipwrecked Guy')

"Its..." more...

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Hello again, friends! F1 UPDATE! has now officially returned for 2006!

(*cue cheering*)

Thank you, thank you. We're glad to be back for what's shaping up to be a fascinating and entertaining F1 season. We've got new rules for the qualifying sessions (again), we've got three new teams on the grid (BMW Sauber, MF1, Super Aguri), we've lost a race (Belgian GP)... but the one thing that hasn't changed from the F1 Circus is that it's populated by a huge group of... interesting characters.

With the return of F1 UPDATE! today, we felt that it might be good to refresh our memories of each of those induhviduals... call it a primer, if you will, for the next few months. After the break, we'll begin! more...

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Getting back to the retrospective, I found this in an unused folder of my computer... the first F1 Update of the year. Call it the Ur-version of The Pond. Just look... below the fold! more...

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1 Ahhh, so long ago, when it looked like Fisi might sweep up all in his path

Posted by: flotsky at November 10, 2005 08:16 PM (6T2ID)

2 Yeah, well, I don't know that I ever thought THAT, but it was a shock, that's for sure...

And I was about as wrong as you can get about the second race, wasn't I?

And Schumi had won his first Moooo-ve already! I had forgotten all about that!

Posted by: Wonderduck at November 12, 2005 05:29 AM (6krEN)

3 Comment comment...

Posted by: Pixy Misa at November 13, 2005 12:13 AM (QriEg)

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The second of the old F1 Updates! from the original version of Wonderduck's Pond over on blogspot. After rereading these, I'm amazed at how ANGRY I was.

This entry is actually something like 12 seperate entries over a week of time; unlike the originals, these are in chronological order (Friday's practices were watched out of order, due to work-related reasons).

So, below the jump, the saga of the US Grand Prix! more...

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Okay, as I mentioned yesterday, I'm bringing over the entries from the old version of Wonderduck's Pond. BELOW THE JUMP, the Canadian Grand Prix entry from Monday, June 13th, 2005... enjoy! more...

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I felt like it was important to have access to the old Blogger version of Wonderduck's Pond, but I realized the only thing I particularly cared about was the F1 Updates.

Over the next day or so, I'll drag over all the old articles and post them here... think of it! All ten or so posts covering the USGP, right here, all in one place. Yay!

Okay, you guys might not care, but I think it's kinda cool... and it'll make it easier for me to do the F1 UPDATE'S YEAR-IN-REVIEW.

I bet you thought I forgot about that, didn't you?

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And so it ends, not with a bang, not with a whimper, but with an "Clank!" Lets get on with F1 Update!: China!!!

*DON'T QUIT YOUR DAY JOB: Fernando Alonso apparantly reads F1 Update, since three weeks ago we had him singing "We Are The Champions." Today, after winning the Chinese GP and clinching the Constructor's Championship, he broke into an... um... energetic rendition of Queen's classic. While we at F1 Update! appreciate the spirit, we had no idea he was that horrible a singer.

*SOMEONE'S GOTTA SAY IT: JP Montoya is an amazing talent, a driver that seems RIGHT on the verge of making the sport his personal playground. And at this moment, F1 Update! is fairly sure that he will NEVER make that last step to legendary status. From breaking his shoulder "playing tennis," to running a pitlane redlight, to his run-ins with backmarkers, and today running over a draincover that his teammate saw coming loose a lap earlier, The Pope isn't unlucky, he's dumb. It's just that simple.

*F1 ISN'T A TEAM SPORT? YEAH, RIGHT: Shanghai had the potential of being as exciting as Suzuka. Renault made sure that wouldn't happen, with Alonso burying the accelerator, and Fisichella taking a page from Jarno Trulli's playbook and playing engineer ("I lead the train!"). While this certainly is a successful tactic (see "Ferrari," 1998-2004), it IS dull. Once Montoya perforated his car on the draincover, Renault had no chance of losing the Constructor's Championship; they could have dropped it the Team Orders right then. Instead, they instructed Giancarlo Fisichella to drive obstructively in the pitlane... cheat, to put it bluntly. Nice.

*DRIVER OF THE RACE: Fernando Alonso, Renault. Team Orders only work when you've got a dominant driver. Alonso is that sort of driver, taking the advantage given him and running away and hiding with it. We barely saw him all day, as watching one car driving around isn't THAT interesting. That's what it was for him, however, as his lead was almost never less than 15 seconds.

*MOVE OF THE RACE: Mark Webber's pass on Rubens Barrichello wasn't exactly a work of art. All he did was pressure the Ferrari driver lap after lap, turn after turn, pushing him, looking for an opening, and driving him into a mistake. Eventually, Rubens had Bridgestone flambe and Webber was past... and Jensen Button snuck past, too.

*MOOOOOO-VE OF THE RACE: Celebrating the bovine lurking inside all drivers, the mooooooo-ve of the race is a special, special award. Today's winner is a special, special driver, too. Mitchell "Slappy" Schumacher has set uncountable records in F1 over the course of his career, but even he can't avoid the Curse of the Cow. But today he showed why he's Die Weltmeister, earning this award with TWO stellar performances. First, even BEFORE THE RACE BEGUN, he turned his car into the path of an onrushing Christijan Albers, launching the Minardi over the Ferrari's left side and killing both cars. That would be enough for most drivers, but because he's Slappy Schumacher he went out and earned the award AGAIN. Lap 23, behind the safety car, for no discernable reason, suddenly we see Mitchell sliding into the one gravel trap on the course, backwards! Talk about your unforced errors! Slappy, this Mooooooo-ve is for you!

*DRIVER QUOTES:

"Weeeeeee arrrrre the Chammmpions / WEEEEEE ARRRE THE CHAMMMMPIONS!" - Fernando Alonso. (note: real quote)

"mbmmmbmbml msmmbbllbl mbmmmmbbml mbmbmmbbmml race mdmmwldkmsll" - Kimi Raikkonen (note: real quote) (2nd note: I pity the closed captioning person who tries to transcribe a Kimi Raikkonen interview live.)

"I love podiums. I wish I could be up here more often." - Ralf Schumacher.

"This is the best fourth place of my life." - Giancarlo Fisichella. (note: real quote)

"Vitantonio Who?" - Christian Klein.

"I think I hit puberty today." - Felipe Massa.

"What a season. Bloody hell, I'm glad it's over." - Mark Webber

"A point isn't so bad. It's what Taku got all year, after all." - Jensen Button.

"OH-ver RAY-ted!" (clap, clap, clapclapclap) "OH-ver RAY-ted!" (clap, clap, clapclapclap) - F1 Update! staff.

"That was pants." - David Coulthard's Chin (note: real quote) (note: we here at F1 Update! aren't exactly sure what this means, but we're going to adopt it as the website motto. 'F1 Update!: That was pants.')

"Today... I... am the luckiest man... on the face of the earth." - Jacques Villeneuve (note: watch what he does during the Narain Karthekeyan accident, and this will make more sense)

"Hi, I'm Tiago Montiero. I was the best Jordan driver all year. Would you like fries with that?" - Tiago Montiero.

"I wish I had some marshmallows." - Rubens Barrichello. (note: apparantly Rubens is going to give his family members a ride in the Ferrari three-seater... you just KNOW he's going to smoke a tire in Maranello...)

"I was Driver of the Race a few weeks ago. Would you like to supersize that?" - Antonio Pizzonia.

"I said over the radio at the end of the race, 'Thank you, Minardi, for giving me the chance to make my debut as a Formula One driver'. " - Robert Doorknob (note: real quote)

"I can't BELIEVE that Ralf ended up with more driver's points than I did. Choo-chooooooo!" - Jarno Trulli.

"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" - Christijan Albers

"Imahitotsu sake. Oresama douyara akuun." - Takuma Sato.

"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!" - Narain Karthekeyan.

"*clunk* What was that?" - Juan Pablo Montoya.

"This weird ending pretty much sums up our season." - Slappy Schumacher. (note: real quote)

And thus endeth the 2005 F1 year. But F1 Update! isn't done yet, oh no... It's time for our Annual F1 Update! Award Show. Stay tuned, my friends, stay tuned...

Posted by: Wonderduck at 07:14 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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