September 25, 2005

F1 UPDATE: BRAZIL!

For many people, this race was kinda dull. For one man, however, this race will stick in his memory forever. Lets get right to the Interlagos (which means "Between the Legos" in Dutch) Edition of F1 UPDATE!!!

*CONGRATULACION, FERNANDO!: With a race that was emblematic of his season, Fernando Alonso finished third, thereby clinching the Driver's Championship with two races remaining. He did nothing particularly flashy today, just enough to keep him on the podium. And so Alonso slams the door on Kimi Raikkonen's nose. Raikkonen is probably going to win a Championship or two down the road, perhaps even more than Alonso does, but for now? He's just second best. Which isn't BAD per se...

*OH, THERE WAS A RACE, TOO?: JP Montoya showed that he's not exactly chopped liver by winning AGAIN. Kimi came in second... he did that a lot at Interlagos ("Inside the Llama" in Afrikaans) today, didn't he? The McLaren 1-2 finish (their first since 2000) boosted them ahead of Renault in the really IMPORTANT contest, the Constructor's Championship. Unless one of the two teams forgets how to put their cars together, this chase is going to come down to the wire.

*ERA ENDS, NOBODY NOTICES: Jordan's Tiago Montiero retired from today's race at Interlagos ("Inner Tube Lube" in Popokepeze), bringing to a halt his record-setting run of 16 consecutive races completed. He broke Mitchell Schumacher's record... of course, Mitchell averaged a few places higher than Montiero during his string, but it IS a record that needs to be noticed.
(correction: he would have TIED the record if he had finished this race. The person who wrote this piece of tripe has been flogged 'round the mizzenmast.)

*DRIVER OF THE RACE: Mitchell Schumacher, Ferrari. On a day where all the attention was on 'Nando and Kimi, the Old Wizard dragged his Ferrari across the finish line in 4th place. A fine drive in a car that, to be honest, has been a stinker this season.

*TEAM OF THE RACE: McLaren. A 1-2 finish. Takes the lead in the Constructor's Championship. The dominant team in the sport right now, and Kimi Raikonnen may not even be their best driver! The Pope certainly deserves to be in the conversation, if nothing else...

*MOVE OF THE RACE: Rubens Barrichello's pass on Jensen Button on Lap 44. The "Senna Esses" aren't exactly where you'd normally consider passing someone, but Rubens decided to show his soon-to-be-teammate who's gonna be Boss next year by jamming his Ferrari underneath Button's BAR at the start of the complex. When the Ferrari began to slide out of the groove, we here at F1 UPDATE! thought we'd found our "Moooooo-ve Of The Race," but the two drivers managed to stay apart long enough to win the Good Award.

*MOOOOOO-VE OF THE RACE: Celebrating the bovine lurking inside every Grand Prix driver's firesuit, this week's Moooooo-ve goes to one of F1 UPDATES' favorite drivers, David Coulthard's Chin. Before the first turn, The Chin thought he would be able to stick his full-width car in a half-width gap between the two Williams vehicles. Somehow, this manuever managed to completely remove one tire from the wheel of the Red Bull, sent one Williams into the pits for 26 laps, and turned the other into a pile of carbon-fiber scrap. Bravo, Chin, bravo!!!

(very) SELECTED DRIVER QUOTES:

"If only that tennis ball hadn't've gotten in the way of my motorcycle..." - JP Montoya.

"Flykkengrypen." - Kimi Raikkonen. (note: means "Interlagos" in Finnish)

"BRING ME YOUR FINEST MEATS AND CHEESES!!! I. AM. GOD!!!" - Fernando Alonso.

"That used to be my line." - Mitchell Schumacher.

"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" - Antonio Pizzonia, Mark Webber, and David Coulthard's Chin.

To finish up this race's F1 UPDATE!, we heartily endorse the idea of Takuma 'Suicide' Sato driving for RedBull-Minardi next year. It seems that Honda will be powering the team, and they're leaning hard to get Sato into one of the seats.

Imagine... F1 UPDATE!s favorite driver, on our favorite team? How cool would that be?

On a personal note, the editor of F1 UPDATE! is getting two teeth pulled on Monday afternoon; we might be somewhat quiet for the next few days because of this. See you soon!

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September 12, 2005

F1 Update: SPA Selected Quotes!

Really, after reading this real quote, there's almost no reason to go on:

"In many ways I'm in awe of Flavio. I've never seen someone win so many races and know so little about a racing car, but it obviously works for him so why change it." - Ron Dennis

How can we top THAT? The truthful answer is "we can't," but we're sure as heck gonna try! It's F1 UPDATE's Driver Quotes!

"So, has anybody found my personality yet?" - Kimi Raikkonen.

"Iiiiiii... am the Champion, my friends... " - Fernando Alonso (not yet, Fernando. Soon, but not yet.

"Man. Now I know how Fernando felt when he kept being given gift podiums." - Jensen Button.

"It's long overdue for me to have a, shall we say, normal race." - Mark Webber. (Dude, you call THAT normal???) (real quote)

"Fifth. I should be happy with fifth, shouldn't I? (sob)" - Rubens Barrichello.

"Now THAT was a race, wasn't it?" - Jacques Villeneuve.

"I... I WAS in second for a while, wasn't I? It felt so NICE!" - Ralf Schumacher.

"Gosh, I didn't MEAN to press the pit-lane limiter button just when Jarno Trulli was closing in on me. Heavens, silly me!" - Tiago Montiero. (note: while television coverage didn't show it, it appears that Montiero actually DID press said button, causing Trulli to run into him and then wreck... which we DID see)

"What sort of race did I have? I couldn't pass a friggin' Jordan for a point, that's what sort of race I had. Y'know what? I want you to stick that microphone som(static)..." - Christian Klein.

"What can I say? We could have been on the podium if I had stayed on intermediates." - Felipe Massa (note: real quote) (at least he admits it...)

"I believe I can flyyyyyyyyy... I believe I can touch the skyyyyyyyy" - Narain Karthekeyan.

"I've got a ride next year! YAAAAA-HOOOOO!" - Christijan Albers. (note: reports say that he'll be buying a seat with Jordan-Midland in 2006)

"Um... " - Robert Doorknob.

"I'm gonna skin that (next five minutes of obscenities censored) alive. Twice." - JP Montoya.

"Well, if you checked your rear-view mirror once in a while, Mr. High-n-Mighty McLaren Driver..." - Antonio Pizzonia.

"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (crunch)" - Jarno Trulli.

"Lump go 'boom.' Heap big smoke. Ugh." - David Coulthard's Chin.

"*slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap*" - Mitchell Schumacher.

"Y'know, Mitchell, these tattoos on my arms aren't just for show..." - Takuma 'Suicide' Sato.

"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (crunchbang)" - Giancarlo Fisichella. (say what you want about Fisi, he sure did a good job on his Renault. Little pieces everywhere!)

Well, now that Sato has revealed his secret standing in the Yakuza, what exactly will happen to Schumacher and the rest of the Ferrari tifosi? Tune in next time, when we'll bring you F1 UPDATE: Brazil!

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September 11, 2005

F1 UPDATE: SPA!!!

What the hell was that? I'll admit, it was extremely entertaining, but wow, it's incredible what a little water can do to the neat, tidy world of Formula 1. Lets take a look in the Songs About Weather version of F1 UPDATE!

*Here Comes The Rain Again: The weather at Spa is always questionable, and today's race was all about the water. The track was never really dry, but neither was it entirely wet. This meant that teams were willing to take shots at dry tires, usually with terrible results. The F1 Update crew was laughing out loud after the Safety Car came out and EVERYBODY dove for the pit lane... it looked like a confused version of a NASCAR pitstop! Great move by Kimi Raikkonen to run slowly into the pits, allowing his teammate JP Montoya to get in and out before he arrived... very clever, since other teams wound up having to stack their cars, more than doubling the time required.

*I'm Only Happy When It Rains: Bridgestone thought they were in the catbird seat... they had the better intermediate tire, and Ferrari actually seemed to have a chance to do well this time around. It didn't exactly work out that way, as we'll see later.

*Driver Of The Race, or "Mr. Blue Sky": Jensen Button, BAR-Honda. In a race that his team has never scored points in, he got himself a podium, and was only a second or two behind Fernando Alonso at the finish line. An exceedingly professional drive, making you wonder "what if" about the beginning of the season for BAR-Honda. I don't think it's a stretch to suggest that Button could easily be in the Driver's Championship race (third?) if things had gone a little differently.

*Team Of The Race, or "Riders on the Storm": Sauber-Petronas. I'm sure everybody is wondering just what F1 Update! is smoking right now. Stop wondering, and we'll explain. Only three teams had both cars running at the end of the race: Sauber, Jordan, and Minardi. Sauber had the best finishing combination of the three at 6/10, with Jordan getting 8/11 and Minardi 12/13. A solid race for the Sauber group, with Jack NewTown earning the points and Felipe Massa DESERVING points, but denied them by the team taking a chance with dry tires that led to a wild ride (for one lap).

*Move Of The Race, or "Thunder Road": Jensen Button gets the award here for his pass of NewTown on lap 24. The Pouhon Corner isn't an easy place to pass, doing it around the outside makes it even tougher, and Jack drives one of the widest cars in F1. Nevertheless, Button just made it look easy. Indeed, his pass on Barrichello in the Bus Stop late in the race almost took this award, too. Special Honorable Mention goes to Narain Karthekeyan for his (ahem) lively pass on (guess who?) Jacques Villeneuve on lap 28. You know, the one that found the Indian driver doing some agricultural racing before going completely airborne, yet STILL not damaging the car, then runnng away. Any incident that can make the Legendary Announce Team go silent in awe MUST be good!

*Mooooo-ve of the Race, or "Fool In The Rain": Mitchell Schumacher, Ferrari. Oh, yes, we at F1 Update! are quite aware that BAR-Honda's Takuma 'Suicide' Sato ran into the back of Schumi's car, putting them both out. And yes, we're aware that Sato has been penalized 10 positions for Brazil. We believe that agressive racing such as Sato's is what F1 is missing, and to be honest, it wasn't THAT bad a move. No, Herr Schumacher earns this award for getting out of his car, walking over to Sato's vehicle, and slapping the other driver TWICE. Bad, Mitchell, very bad. There's no call for that sort of thing... and you should have waited until he took his helmet off, you idiot.

*Mooooo-ve of the Week II, or "Idiot Wind.": Last week's driver of the week, Antonio 'Jungle Boy' Pizzonia is going to have to share this week's award. Who knew that Pizzonia is drawing a paycheck from Renault, too? His bonehead antics took out JP Montoya FOUR laps from the end of the race, handing Renault a gift second place, and taking the lead in the Constructor's Championship away from McLaren, all in one swell foop. As Captain Haddock would put it, "Billions of Blistering Blue Barnacles, what were you thinking, you cowering Coleocanth?"

Quotes of the Race will be delayed until Monday for headache-based reasons. Tune in then for the conclusion of this week's F1 UPDATE!!!

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September 05, 2005

F1 UPDATE: ITALY DRIVER QUOTES

It's now time once again for everybody's favorite part of F1 Update!, the Driver Quotes! We've deprived you of them long enough, lets get down to the F1 Update Interview Room (down the hall, turn left at the door marked 'Beware of the leopard,' and watch out for the bats) and see what the drivers have to say for themselves:

"Are you SURE I can't win the Driver's Championship?" - JP Montoya.

"Yup. We're sure." - Fernando Alonso.

"I've won a race, y'know. Two, actually. Did you know that? Hello?" - Giancarlo Fisichella.

"Isn't Michelin a French company? Someone should look into that." - Kimi Raikonnen.

"Gee, my hair looks terrific." - Jarno Trulli.

"Hey, Mitchell. I can drive too. And Mom always liked you best." - Ralf Schumacher.

"I. AM. GOD. Bring me your finest meats and cheeses!" - Antonio Pizzonia.

"Hopefully when we return to the higher downforce circuits of the next four races we will be able to get back on the pace." - Jensen Button. (real quote) ("WHAT pace, Button?" - F1 Update)

"I was able to avoid the incident in the first corner. For once." - Felipe Massa.

"Clearly, our race did not go well and we were much too slow. We are nowhere near where we want to be but we have to live with it. You could say we were a bit better than in Turkey, but that is still not good enough... There is no point in getting angry about our situation, we must simply try and improve, maybe in time for Spa, although that is unlikely, but possibly before the end of the season. The championship was obviously lost a while ago, but we have had a lot of good years before this one. There is no need to give up because this is all part of competition. I feel sorry for the tifosi and thank them for their support, even though we were not able to deliver them a good result. And she did not, Ralf.” - Mitchell Schumacher. (real quote)

"I guess the marshalls were getting a little over-excited." - Jacques Villeneuve. (real quote, referring to his being blue-flagged at the beginning of the race because he was holding up Kimi Raikonnen... for 10th place. F1 Update! doesn't much like Jack NewTown, but he's got a good point.)

"I think I could have finished eighth which is the best we could have hoped for today. Four more races until I'm with a GOOD team." - Rubens Barrichello.

"The race was not so good... things weren't so good." - Christian Klein. (we can't make a quote like that one up)

" 'Bring me your finest meats and cheeses.' Who does he think he is, Mitchell Schumacher?" - Mark Webber.

"Would you like my autograph? Here, let me sign that." - David Coulthard's Chin.

"Gomenesai, Honda. Gomenesai." - Takuma Sato.

"Well, at least the mechanics aren't trying to kill me. Now it's the friggin' tire manufacturer." - Tiago Montiero.

"It's D-o-o-r-n-b-o-s." - Robert Doorknob.

"*twitch* *twitch* No, I'm fine, why? *twitchtwitchtwitch* Never better. *twitchtwitchtwitch*" - Christijan Albers.

"Now they're trying to kill ME, Tiago. Help!" - Narain Karthekeyan.

Well, that's the end of the driver quotes. Next up, we've gots ourselves the almost-as-legendary-as-Monza track of Spa-Francoamerican or whatever it's called. Just leave it with "Spa," okay? 'Kay.

And we'll see you next week with another F1 UPDATE!!!

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September 04, 2005

F1 Update: Italy!

It's been three weeks since the birth of the new track in Turkey. From the newest circuit, the rolling carnival known as F1 headed to the oldest circuit on the calendar, The Magic Track of Monza. And the F1 UPDATE! crew was watching, so lets get on with the story!

*How To Make F1 UPDATE Cry: Have their favorite driver, Takuma 'Suicide' Sato, take provisional pole from Mitchell Schumacher in a thrilling qualifying lap (that included a moment when all four tires of Sato's car were off the ground!), have him wind up fourth on the grid... then make him pit twice in three laps due to a problem with the refueling rig, thereby all but ending his chance of having a seat in F1 next year. He ended the day in 16th place, meaning he'll be qualifying fifth next week at Spa, a track that you desperately need to go out late to run quickly at.

*Witnessing History... Pass Me The Cream Cheese?: We at F1 Update were admittedly whelmed* by the news that Monza was only the 2nd time in history that a full grid of cars completed a F1 race; that is, nobody retired due to accident or mechanical failure, and the last time it happened was nigh on 40-plus years ago. We certainly understand that F1 cars, being cutting-edge machines, often cut a little too much off the edge, but it hardly seemed like that big of a deal, either to the Legendary Announce Team or, frankly, to us. "I watched a race where all the cars that started, finished! Wow!" "Great. Want fries with that?"
(*note: if one can be overwhelmed or underwhelmed, then one should be able to be whelmed, don't you think?)

*Driver Of The Race: Antonio Pizzonia. Think you have a tough job? Imagine what "Jungle Boy" had to do. Not only hasn't he driven a F1 car for nigh on three months, but he was called in on zero notice to sit in for Nick "The Human Crash-Test Dummy" Heidfeld and drive on the fastest track in the sport. Not only does he do so, but he ends up seventh, earning 2 standing points and blowing Mark Webber, his Williams teammate, out of the water. Not too shabby for the lad from the Amazonian jungles of Brazil.

*Team Of The Race: We here at F1 Update! are sick and tired of giving this award to either McLaren or Renault, so today, we're giving the award to Toyota. Both of their drivers in the points, and now they're within 8 points of third-place Ferrari in the Constructor's Championship. Well done, lads. Now get on a podium, and we'll talk some more, mmmkay?

*Move Of The Race: To be honest, there really weren't many breathtaking passing manuevers during the actual race, so we're going back to Qualifying for this week's award. We never thought we'd be saying this, but the MOTR this week goes to... Minardi's Christijan Albers for his "how'd-he-do-THAT" foray into the Lesmos sandbox. In case you missed it, he got a smidge wide out of First Lesmo and hooked his left side tires in the kittylitter. What followed was a blinding cloud of sand and dust, neatly blanketing the scene. At last sight, Albers' Minardi was actually pointed perpendicular across the direction of travel, yet still moving around 140mph. Indeed, he should have ended up buried nose-first in the tire barrier on the INSIDE of the Lesmos curves. Yet, when the FIA producers jumped to a different camera angle, there he was, trundling down the straight between the two Lesmos, looking like nothing occurred... except for the cloud of dust hanging in the background. So for showing us why you were so good in Saloon Cars, this MOTR is for you, Christijan Albers... even if we couldn't see it.

*Moooooooo-ve Of The Week: Celebrating the hidden bovine lurking in every F1 driver, this award goes to the most clod-hooved manuever of the race. Today, the award goes to none other than Mitchell Schumacher, for his late-race bolluxing of a Lesmo curve, which cost him 10 seconds and strangely never aired on FIA TV coverage... so this really is an Alledged Moooooo-ve Of The Week. Suggestions for other, more worthy, candidates may be left in the comment section.

*Quotes Of The Race will be delayed until tomorrow due to Author Ineptness. So come back then for MORE F1 UPDATE!!!

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