February 28, 2006
Thank you, thank you. We're glad to be back for what's shaping up to be a fascinating and entertaining F1 season. We've got new rules for the qualifying sessions (again), we've got three new teams on the grid (BMW Sauber, MF1, Super Aguri), we've lost a race (Belgian GP)... but the one thing that hasn't changed from the F1 Circus is that it's populated by a huge group of... interesting characters.
With the return of F1 UPDATE! today, we felt that it might be good to refresh our memories of each of those induhviduals... call it a primer, if you will, for the next few months. After the break, we'll begin!
Part I: The Drivers
What would Formula 1 be without the people in the cockpits? A really expensive parking lot, that's what.
Fernando Alonso. Nickname: Champ. Not much more needs to be said about 'Nando. He's the reigning World Champion, and odds-on favorite to repeat, according to F1 UPDATE!'s bookie friend, Big Guido.
Giancarlo Fisichella. Nicknames: The @$$less Wonder, The Other Guy. Flavio Briatore's whipping boy last year, bad luck seemed to follow him around. Says he'll be more competive this year. F1 UPDATE! just smiles and nods politely.
Kimi Raikkonen. Nickname: Mmrbblrlbmmb. Took second in the World Championship last year, perhaps the fastest driver on the tour. Funny how his car keeps breaking, though.
Juan Pablo Montoya. Nickname: The Tennis Pro. Another contender for the title of "fastest driver," NOT a contender for "smartest driver." Promises to stay away from the tennis court. Really.
Michael Schumacher. Nicknames: Slappy, Who?. Give us a minute, we'll think of something to say...
Felipe Massa. Nicknames: The Luckiest Boy Alive, Mr. Personality. From also-ran Sauber to Ferrari, for no reason anybody can explain. Will prove that Ferrari's problems last season were no fluke.
Rubens Barrichello. Nickname: The Human Tirewarmer. From 2nd in the championship to 225,608th (right behind Mrs. Edna Wainscotting of 234 Leister Street, Wolverhampton, England) in one season, he WANTED to leave Ferrari. Father looks like Joe Torre.
Jensen Button. Nickname: OH-ver-RAY-ted *clap-clap-clapclapclap*. Contract problems got in the way of him having a decent season. Right. That's what it was. Uh-huh.
Ralf Schumacher. Nickname: Cora's Husband. You'd think he'd be a talented driver with that name, wouldn't you? Really, if he was named "Ralf Smith," do you think he'd be in F1?
Jarno Trulli. Nickname: The Engineer (as in "I drive the train, woo-woooooooooo..."), Barbie. Good enough to race in F1, bad enough to slow half the field down. Worst haircut in the sport, bar none.
Mark Webber. Nickname: Webbo. Has no distinguishing characteristics from last year's teammate, Nick Heidfeld. We here at F1 UPDATE! still can't tell them apart, even though Heidfeld is driving for BMW-Sauber now.
Nico Rosberg. Nickname: Keke's Son. Has yet to drive in a F1 race. Who knows what will become of him? Appears to be 12.
Team Crimson Heifer (note: F1 UPDATE! refuses to call them by their real name until and unless they bring back Minardi)
David Coulthard's Chin. Nickname: David Coulthard's Chin. Can sign autographs like nobody else.
Christian Klein. Nickname: (we're open to suggestions). An average driver in an average car. Next!
Nick Heidfeld. Nickname: Webbo. Has no distinguishing characteristics from last year's teammate, Mark Webber. We here at F1 UPDATE! still can't tell them apart, even though Heidfeld is driving for BMW-Sauber now.
Jacques Villeneuve. Nickname: Jack Newtown. F1 UPDATE!'s least favorite driver. Complained for 3/4th of the season, then b*tched for the other quarter.
Team MF1 (F1 UPDATE! can't look at that without thinking "Mutha-Farkin' One")
Tiago Montiero. Nickname: Um. Almost set a record for consecutive finishes. Not the worst driver out there.
Christijan Albers. Nickname: Offroad. Perhaps the best overall driver (as opposed to best F1 driver) on the grid, due to his Rally driving experience. Had ample opportunity to showcase his rally driving skills in last year's Minardi. Still has no idea what Schumacher was thinking in China last year.
Team Toro Rosso
Vitantonio Liuzzi. Nickname: Klein's B*tch. Couldn't outrace Christian Klein last season. Just think about that for a minute.
Scott Speed. Nickname: American (as in "American Scott Speed." Every time his name is mentioned during broadcasts, that's what he's called...). Most notable for high-centering his car during a practice lap in Canada... ON A CURB.
Team Super Aguri
Takuma Sato. Nicknames: Suicide, Kamikaze, Slappy's Bane. F1 UPDATE!'s favorite driver. Drives like he's in a demolition derby. It's good to see him back.
Yuji Ide. Nickname: (none, yet). Never seen him race. A complete enigma.
Coming Tomorrow: Part II (Everybody Else)
Posted by: flotsky at March 01, 2006 05:37 AM (Dl1rW)
VERY good, Mr. F... I like that one better, actually.
Posted by: Wonderduck at March 01, 2006 08:51 AM (+rGmJ)
Great job on the list. It's so good to have F1 UPDATES back!!!
Posted by: Mallory at March 01, 2006 12:54 PM (y6n8O)
Posted by: Nat Lockwood at March 21, 2006 09:01 AM (MdAHm)
Glad you enjoyed it!
Posted by: Wonderduck at March 21, 2006 01:17 PM (Ffvoi)
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