Yes, it's finally here! We've been having medical problems, but now we've seemed to kick them, and we can finally get around to covering the Best Race Of The Year! Lets get right to it!

NOW THAT'S RACIN': Even before the lights went out, we had excitement as Jensen Button's BAR-Honda smoked more than a DJ in the '70s. AFTER the lights went out, it just got even more exciting. Cars going every which way, Sato misjudging a pass & brake manuever and going off, followed rapidly by Rubens Barrichello (go here for a picture), Christian Klein going offroading, Kimi Raikkonen showing that the McLaren works as well on grass as it does on track, and finally ending with Jack Newtown punting The Pope into the wall and ripping the car into chunks, bringing out the safety car. ALL ON THE FIRST LAP! Then... it got better! Outstanding, just outstanding, the race of the year, bar none. Even San Marino, with Alonso holding off Schumacher for lap upon lap while his rear tires fell apart, doesn't stand up in comparison.

DRIVER OF THE RACE: Kimi Raikkonen, McLaren. There wasn't even any controversy about this choice. Started 17th, drives his heart out, passes Giancarlo Fisichella on the last lap, wins the race. What more can be said? Fernando Alonso may have won the Drivers Championship, but Kimi now has more wins on the season than Fernando, and he's probably the best driver with the best car on the grid right now. Just an amazing drive.

TEAM OF THE RACE: Renault. They took the lead back in the Constructor's Championship, took the other two podium places, and overall just showed just why they've done so well this season: they've been consistent and reliable.

MOVE OF THE RACE: There were a lot of moves that qualified this week, but the winner on sheer impressive performance has to be Fernando Alonso's pass of Slappy Schumacher on Lap 20. Not only did it come against the Old Master, but it came in 130-R, a tough place to DRIVE, let alone pass. Then, right after he got his nose in front of the Ferrari, the Renault driver just RAN AWAY and hid. The Ferrari season in a nutshell, right there. Honorable mention, and winner if you add in the importance factor, goes to Kimi's pass of Fisi in Turn 1 on the white-flag lap. A proud third goes to Alonso again, with his pass of Mark Webber on Lap 49. Down the front straight, it got a little scary when Webbo tried to block, pushing The Champ's right tires into the grass, but all was safe and the pass was just sheer muscle and chutzpah.

MOOOO-VE OF THE RACE: We're not going to beat on Takuma Sato, our hero, not after he lost his ride with his voyage into the kitty litter and his spearing of Jarno. Yes, you read that right: Sato is out for the China GP, being replaced by The Ant.

No. Instead, we're going to celebrate the 20 years of bovine-ness that is Minardi. Illustrative of this, we'll point out the Lap 34 torching of Christian Albers' perfectly good car by the Minardi Pit Crew, and the sight of the dancing crewmen as their shoes went up in flames. Fortunately, everybody was unharmed, and the car even came back out a few minutes later, but still... Minardi, we salute you! Mooooooooooooooooo!

SELECTED DRIVERS QUOTES:
"mbmbmbml mbmbmbml win mbmbmbll mbmbbmbml championship." - Kimi Raikkonen.

"I am disappointed. It was all that backmarker's fault!" - Giancarlo Fisichella.

"Third. Eh. Whatever. Did I mention? I'm. THE. CHAMP!!! - Fernando Alonso.

"Woo-HOOOOOOOO!!!! FOURTH!!!!! *dancing*" - Mark Webber.

"(just staring balefully at Webber)" - Jensen Button.

"Do you realize we beat Ferrari? Bloody hell, that's posh!" - David Coulthard's Chin.

"The best thing to come out of today is that we have secured third place in this year’s Constructors’ championship." - Slappy Schumacher (note: real quote)

"How in the world did I end up EIGHTH?!?!?!?" - Ralf Schumacher.

"The big question isn't 'why did I end up 9th?' The big question is 'how did I qualify 4th?' The answer is simple: I have pictures of Charlie Whiting doing something very, VERY wrong." - Christian Klein.

"I did absolutly nothing of note. Move along." - Felipe Massa.

"Heh heh heh. And so, I add The Pope to my hit list. Heh heh heh." - Jack Newtown.

"I had Sato in my sight so I could see him going off the track. With him in front of me as he went off the track, I found myself with no downforce and also ended up in the gravel. " - Rubens Barrichello. (note: real quote) Editor's Note: Rubino, you should be ashamed of yourself for trying to blame Takuma for your sojourn into the kittylitter. It was your fault entirely... and YOU hit HIM, buddy. You just blew the turn, and you know it.

"Sake. Then Fugu. Then Wakazashi." - Takuma Sato.

"Well, I didn't kill myself. That's a plus." - Tiago Montiero.

"I wonder why that man with a jack is standing right *bump* there? Oh! Oh, dear." - Robert Doorknob. (Editor's Note: while it wasn't shown on F1 TV, the Doorknob ran over his jackman on the way into his pit stall at one point. Everybody's okay, though... just a bruise. The Minardi Way.)

"Well, I didn't kill myself. That's a plus." - Narain Karthekeyan.

"*foom* Flame ON!" - Christijan Albers.

"Mmmm... kitty litter..." - Antonio Pizzonia.

"Sato tried a manoeuvre that was obviously impossible. He just tried to overtake me but instead he hit me and pushed me off. There was no reason to try that move so I don't know what he was thinking. He's been causing problems for a long time and the FIA has to take action to stop it." - Jarno Trulli (note: real quote)

"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" - Juan Pablo Montoya.

Which brings us to the end of F1 Update!'s look back at the Japanese GP. The next race is the Chinese GP, and the end of a great season. But F1 Update! won't be taking a break after that, oh no... stay tuned!

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By now, I'm sure you've noticed a new addition to the Pond's sidebar. Ladies and Gentlemen, please give the Pond's new mascot a warm welcome! Click on "more" to feed him, and click him directly to hear his views on such topics as Takuma Sato's driving style, should Slappy Schumacher retire, is Fernando Alonso the best F1 driver, and MORE!

F1 Update has been delayed due to health reasons; long story, but suffice to say that internal bleeding is not ALWAYS dangerous, but IS ALWAYS scary as hell.

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***coming soon***

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For many people, this race was kinda dull. For one man, however, this race will stick in his memory forever. Lets get right to the Interlagos (which means "Between the Legos" in Dutch) Edition of F1 UPDATE!!!

*CONGRATULACION, FERNANDO!: With a race that was emblematic of his season, Fernando Alonso finished third, thereby clinching the Driver's Championship with two races remaining. He did nothing particularly flashy today, just enough to keep him on the podium. And so Alonso slams the door on Kimi Raikkonen's nose. Raikkonen is probably going to win a Championship or two down the road, perhaps even more than Alonso does, but for now? He's just second best. Which isn't BAD per se...

*OH, THERE WAS A RACE, TOO?: JP Montoya showed that he's not exactly chopped liver by winning AGAIN. Kimi came in second... he did that a lot at Interlagos ("Inside the Llama" in Afrikaans) today, didn't he? The McLaren 1-2 finish (their first since 2000) boosted them ahead of Renault in the really IMPORTANT contest, the Constructor's Championship. Unless one of the two teams forgets how to put their cars together, this chase is going to come down to the wire.

*ERA ENDS, NOBODY NOTICES: Jordan's Tiago Montiero retired from today's race at Interlagos ("Inner Tube Lube" in Popokepeze), bringing to a halt his record-setting run of 16 consecutive races completed. He broke Mitchell Schumacher's record... of course, Mitchell averaged a few places higher than Montiero during his string, but it IS a record that needs to be noticed.
(correction: he would have TIED the record if he had finished this race. The person who wrote this piece of tripe has been flogged 'round the mizzenmast.)

*DRIVER OF THE RACE: Mitchell Schumacher, Ferrari. On a day where all the attention was on 'Nando and Kimi, the Old Wizard dragged his Ferrari across the finish line in 4th place. A fine drive in a car that, to be honest, has been a stinker this season.

*TEAM OF THE RACE: McLaren. A 1-2 finish. Takes the lead in the Constructor's Championship. The dominant team in the sport right now, and Kimi Raikonnen may not even be their best driver! The Pope certainly deserves to be in the conversation, if nothing else...

*MOVE OF THE RACE: Rubens Barrichello's pass on Jensen Button on Lap 44. The "Senna Esses" aren't exactly where you'd normally consider passing someone, but Rubens decided to show his soon-to-be-teammate who's gonna be Boss next year by jamming his Ferrari underneath Button's BAR at the start of the complex. When the Ferrari began to slide out of the groove, we here at F1 UPDATE! thought we'd found our "Moooooo-ve Of The Race," but the two drivers managed to stay apart long enough to win the Good Award.

*MOOOOOO-VE OF THE RACE: Celebrating the bovine lurking inside every Grand Prix driver's firesuit, this week's Moooooo-ve goes to one of F1 UPDATES' favorite drivers, David Coulthard's Chin. Before the first turn, The Chin thought he would be able to stick his full-width car in a half-width gap between the two Williams vehicles. Somehow, this manuever managed to completely remove one tire from the wheel of the Red Bull, sent one Williams into the pits for 26 laps, and turned the other into a pile of carbon-fiber scrap. Bravo, Chin, bravo!!!

(very) SELECTED DRIVER QUOTES:

"If only that tennis ball hadn't've gotten in the way of my motorcycle..." - JP Montoya.

"Flykkengrypen." - Kimi Raikkonen. (note: means "Interlagos" in Finnish)

"BRING ME YOUR FINEST MEATS AND CHEESES!!! I. AM. GOD!!!" - Fernando Alonso.

"That used to be my line." - Mitchell Schumacher.

"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" - Antonio Pizzonia, Mark Webber, and David Coulthard's Chin.

To finish up this race's F1 UPDATE!, we heartily endorse the idea of Takuma 'Suicide' Sato driving for RedBull-Minardi next year. It seems that Honda will be powering the team, and they're leaning hard to get Sato into one of the seats.

Imagine... F1 UPDATE!s favorite driver, on our favorite team? How cool would that be?

On a personal note, the editor of F1 UPDATE! is getting two teeth pulled on Monday afternoon; we might be somewhat quiet for the next few days because of this. See you soon!

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Really, after reading this real quote, there's almost no reason to go on:

"In many ways I'm in awe of Flavio. I've never seen someone win so many races and know so little about a racing car, but it obviously works for him so why change it." - Ron Dennis

How can we top THAT? The truthful answer is "we can't," but we're sure as heck gonna try! It's F1 UPDATE's Driver Quotes!

"So, has anybody found my personality yet?" - Kimi Raikkonen.

"Iiiiiii... am the Champion, my friends... " - Fernando Alonso (not yet, Fernando. Soon, but not yet.

"Man. Now I know how Fernando felt when he kept being given gift podiums." - Jensen Button.

"It's long overdue for me to have a, shall we say, normal race." - Mark Webber. (Dude, you call THAT normal???) (real quote)

"Fifth. I should be happy with fifth, shouldn't I? (sob)" - Rubens Barrichello.

"Now THAT was a race, wasn't it?" - Jacques Villeneuve.

"I... I WAS in second for a while, wasn't I? It felt so NICE!" - Ralf Schumacher.

"Gosh, I didn't MEAN to press the pit-lane limiter button just when Jarno Trulli was closing in on me. Heavens, silly me!" - Tiago Montiero. (note: while television coverage didn't show it, it appears that Montiero actually DID press said button, causing Trulli to run into him and then wreck... which we DID see)

"What sort of race did I have? I couldn't pass a friggin' Jordan for a point, that's what sort of race I had. Y'know what? I want you to stick that microphone som(static)..." - Christian Klein.

"What can I say? We could have been on the podium if I had stayed on intermediates." - Felipe Massa (note: real quote) (at least he admits it...)

"I believe I can flyyyyyyyyy... I believe I can touch the skyyyyyyyy" - Narain Karthekeyan.

"I've got a ride next year! YAAAAA-HOOOOO!" - Christijan Albers. (note: reports say that he'll be buying a seat with Jordan-Midland in 2006)

"Um... " - Robert Doorknob.

"I'm gonna skin that (next five minutes of obscenities censored) alive. Twice." - JP Montoya.

"Well, if you checked your rear-view mirror once in a while, Mr. High-n-Mighty McLaren Driver..." - Antonio Pizzonia.

"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (crunch)" - Jarno Trulli.

"Lump go 'boom.' Heap big smoke. Ugh." - David Coulthard's Chin.

"*slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap*" - Mitchell Schumacher.

"Y'know, Mitchell, these tattoos on my arms aren't just for show..." - Takuma 'Suicide' Sato.

"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (crunchbang)" - Giancarlo Fisichella. (say what you want about Fisi, he sure did a good job on his Renault. Little pieces everywhere!)

Well, now that Sato has revealed his secret standing in the Yakuza, what exactly will happen to Schumacher and the rest of the Ferrari tifosi? Tune in next time, when we'll bring you F1 UPDATE: Brazil!

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What the hell was that? I'll admit, it was extremely entertaining, but wow, it's incredible what a little water can do to the neat, tidy world of Formula 1. Lets take a look in the Songs About Weather version of F1 UPDATE!

*Here Comes The Rain Again: The weather at Spa is always questionable, and today's race was all about the water. The track was never really dry, but neither was it entirely wet. This meant that teams were willing to take shots at dry tires, usually with terrible results. The F1 Update crew was laughing out loud after the Safety Car came out and EVERYBODY dove for the pit lane... it looked like a confused version of a NASCAR pitstop! Great move by Kimi Raikkonen to run slowly into the pits, allowing his teammate JP Montoya to get in and out before he arrived... very clever, since other teams wound up having to stack their cars, more than doubling the time required.

*I'm Only Happy When It Rains: Bridgestone thought they were in the catbird seat... they had the better intermediate tire, and Ferrari actually seemed to have a chance to do well this time around. It didn't exactly work out that way, as we'll see later.

*Driver Of The Race, or "Mr. Blue Sky": Jensen Button, BAR-Honda. In a race that his team has never scored points in, he got himself a podium, and was only a second or two behind Fernando Alonso at the finish line. An exceedingly professional drive, making you wonder "what if" about the beginning of the season for BAR-Honda. I don't think it's a stretch to suggest that Button could easily be in the Driver's Championship race (third?) if things had gone a little differently.

*Team Of The Race, or "Riders on the Storm": Sauber-Petronas. I'm sure everybody is wondering just what F1 Update! is smoking right now. Stop wondering, and we'll explain. Only three teams had both cars running at the end of the race: Sauber, Jordan, and Minardi. Sauber had the best finishing combination of the three at 6/10, with Jordan getting 8/11 and Minardi 12/13. A solid race for the Sauber group, with Jack NewTown earning the points and Felipe Massa DESERVING points, but denied them by the team taking a chance with dry tires that led to a wild ride (for one lap).

*Move Of The Race, or "Thunder Road": Jensen Button gets the award here for his pass of NewTown on lap 24. The Pouhon Corner isn't an easy place to pass, doing it around the outside makes it even tougher, and Jack drives one of the widest cars in F1. Nevertheless, Button just made it look easy. Indeed, his pass on Barrichello in the Bus Stop late in the race almost took this award, too. Special Honorable Mention goes to Narain Karthekeyan for his (ahem) lively pass on (guess who?) Jacques Villeneuve on lap 28. You know, the one that found the Indian driver doing some agricultural racing before going completely airborne, yet STILL not damaging the car, then runnng away. Any incident that can make the Legendary Announce Team go silent in awe MUST be good!

*Mooooo-ve of the Race, or "Fool In The Rain": Mitchell Schumacher, Ferrari. Oh, yes, we at F1 Update! are quite aware that BAR-Honda's Takuma 'Suicide' Sato ran into the back of Schumi's car, putting them both out. And yes, we're aware that Sato has been penalized 10 positions for Brazil. We believe that agressive racing such as Sato's is what F1 is missing, and to be honest, it wasn't THAT bad a move. No, Herr Schumacher earns this award for getting out of his car, walking over to Sato's vehicle, and slapping the other driver TWICE. Bad, Mitchell, very bad. There's no call for that sort of thing... and you should have waited until he took his helmet off, you idiot.

*Mooooo-ve of the Week II, or "Idiot Wind.": Last week's driver of the week, Antonio 'Jungle Boy' Pizzonia is going to have to share this week's award. Who knew that Pizzonia is drawing a paycheck from Renault, too? His bonehead antics took out JP Montoya FOUR laps from the end of the race, handing Renault a gift second place, and taking the lead in the Constructor's Championship away from McLaren, all in one swell foop. As Captain Haddock would put it, "Billions of Blistering Blue Barnacles, what were you thinking, you cowering Coleocanth?"

Quotes of the Race will be delayed until Monday for headache-based reasons. Tune in then for the conclusion of this week's F1 UPDATE!!!

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It's now time once again for everybody's favorite part of F1 Update!, the Driver Quotes! We've deprived you of them long enough, lets get down to the F1 Update Interview Room (down the hall, turn left at the door marked 'Beware of the leopard,' and watch out for the bats) and see what the drivers have to say for themselves:

"Are you SURE I can't win the Driver's Championship?" - JP Montoya.

"Yup. We're sure." - Fernando Alonso.

"I've won a race, y'know. Two, actually. Did you know that? Hello?" - Giancarlo Fisichella.

"Isn't Michelin a French company? Someone should look into that." - Kimi Raikonnen.

"Gee, my hair looks terrific." - Jarno Trulli.

"Hey, Mitchell. I can drive too. And Mom always liked you best." - Ralf Schumacher.

"I. AM. GOD. Bring me your finest meats and cheeses!" - Antonio Pizzonia.

"Hopefully when we return to the higher downforce circuits of the next four races we will be able to get back on the pace." - Jensen Button. (real quote) ("WHAT pace, Button?" - F1 Update)

"I was able to avoid the incident in the first corner. For once." - Felipe Massa.

"Clearly, our race did not go well and we were much too slow. We are nowhere near where we want to be but we have to live with it. You could say we were a bit better than in Turkey, but that is still not good enough... There is no point in getting angry about our situation, we must simply try and improve, maybe in time for Spa, although that is unlikely, but possibly before the end of the season. The championship was obviously lost a while ago, but we have had a lot of good years before this one. There is no need to give up because this is all part of competition. I feel sorry for the tifosi and thank them for their support, even though we were not able to deliver them a good result. And she did not, Ralf.” - Mitchell Schumacher. (real quote)

"I guess the marshalls were getting a little over-excited." - Jacques Villeneuve. (real quote, referring to his being blue-flagged at the beginning of the race because he was holding up Kimi Raikonnen... for 10th place. F1 Update! doesn't much like Jack NewTown, but he's got a good point.)

"I think I could have finished eighth which is the best we could have hoped for today. Four more races until I'm with a GOOD team." - Rubens Barrichello.

"The race was not so good... things weren't so good." - Christian Klein. (we can't make a quote like that one up)

" 'Bring me your finest meats and cheeses.' Who does he think he is, Mitchell Schumacher?" - Mark Webber.

"Would you like my autograph? Here, let me sign that." - David Coulthard's Chin.

"Gomenesai, Honda. Gomenesai." - Takuma Sato.

"Well, at least the mechanics aren't trying to kill me. Now it's the friggin' tire manufacturer." - Tiago Montiero.

"It's D-o-o-r-n-b-o-s." - Robert Doorknob.

"*twitch* *twitch* No, I'm fine, why? *twitchtwitchtwitch* Never better. *twitchtwitchtwitch*" - Christijan Albers.

"Now they're trying to kill ME, Tiago. Help!" - Narain Karthekeyan.

Well, that's the end of the driver quotes. Next up, we've gots ourselves the almost-as-legendary-as-Monza track of Spa-Francoamerican or whatever it's called. Just leave it with "Spa," okay? 'Kay.

And we'll see you next week with another F1 UPDATE!!!

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It's been three weeks since the birth of the new track in Turkey. From the newest circuit, the rolling carnival known as F1 headed to the oldest circuit on the calendar, The Magic Track of Monza. And the F1 UPDATE! crew was watching, so lets get on with the story!

*How To Make F1 UPDATE Cry: Have their favorite driver, Takuma 'Suicide' Sato, take provisional pole from Mitchell Schumacher in a thrilling qualifying lap (that included a moment when all four tires of Sato's car were off the ground!), have him wind up fourth on the grid... then make him pit twice in three laps due to a problem with the refueling rig, thereby all but ending his chance of having a seat in F1 next year. He ended the day in 16th place, meaning he'll be qualifying fifth next week at Spa, a track that you desperately need to go out late to run quickly at.

*Witnessing History... Pass Me The Cream Cheese?: We at F1 Update were admittedly whelmed* by the news that Monza was only the 2nd time in history that a full grid of cars completed a F1 race; that is, nobody retired due to accident or mechanical failure, and the last time it happened was nigh on 40-plus years ago. We certainly understand that F1 cars, being cutting-edge machines, often cut a little too much off the edge, but it hardly seemed like that big of a deal, either to the Legendary Announce Team or, frankly, to us. "I watched a race where all the cars that started, finished! Wow!" "Great. Want fries with that?"
(*note: if one can be overwhelmed or underwhelmed, then one should be able to be whelmed, don't you think?)

*Driver Of The Race: Antonio Pizzonia. Think you have a tough job? Imagine what "Jungle Boy" had to do. Not only hasn't he driven a F1 car for nigh on three months, but he was called in on zero notice to sit in for Nick "The Human Crash-Test Dummy" Heidfeld and drive on the fastest track in the sport. Not only does he do so, but he ends up seventh, earning 2 standing points and blowing Mark Webber, his Williams teammate, out of the water. Not too shabby for the lad from the Amazonian jungles of Brazil.

*Team Of The Race: We here at F1 Update! are sick and tired of giving this award to either McLaren or Renault, so today, we're giving the award to Toyota. Both of their drivers in the points, and now they're within 8 points of third-place Ferrari in the Constructor's Championship. Well done, lads. Now get on a podium, and we'll talk some more, mmmkay?

*Move Of The Race: To be honest, there really weren't many breathtaking passing manuevers during the actual race, so we're going back to Qualifying for this week's award. We never thought we'd be saying this, but the MOTR this week goes to... Minardi's Christijan Albers for his "how'd-he-do-THAT" foray into the Lesmos sandbox. In case you missed it, he got a smidge wide out of First Lesmo and hooked his left side tires in the kittylitter. What followed was a blinding cloud of sand and dust, neatly blanketing the scene. At last sight, Albers' Minardi was actually pointed perpendicular across the direction of travel, yet still moving around 140mph. Indeed, he should have ended up buried nose-first in the tire barrier on the INSIDE of the Lesmos curves. Yet, when the FIA producers jumped to a different camera angle, there he was, trundling down the straight between the two Lesmos, looking like nothing occurred... except for the cloud of dust hanging in the background. So for showing us why you were so good in Saloon Cars, this MOTR is for you, Christijan Albers... even if we couldn't see it.

*Moooooooo-ve Of The Week: Celebrating the hidden bovine lurking in every F1 driver, this award goes to the most clod-hooved manuever of the race. Today, the award goes to none other than Mitchell Schumacher, for his late-race bolluxing of a Lesmo curve, which cost him 10 seconds and strangely never aired on FIA TV coverage... so this really is an Alledged Moooooo-ve Of The Week. Suggestions for other, more worthy, candidates may be left in the comment section.

*Quotes Of The Race will be delayed until tomorrow due to Author Ineptness. So come back then for MORE F1 UPDATE!!!

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1 *Applause, applause* Great F1 Update, as always. :-)

It did, indeed, suck about Takuma Sato. The poor guy has got to be under tremendous pressure and somebody is probably going to be in his seat next season. :-\

I was also "whelmed" (love it!) about the Track Fact.

And didn't you love all that chit chat during the national anthems? Geez!

Posted by: Mallory at September 05, 2005 09:59 AM (6krEN)

2 I must admit that I didn't make it to the national anthems. I sorta turned it off before then. *sheepish grin*

Posted by: Wonderduck at September 06, 2005 05:03 AM (+rGmJ)

3 Have to concur with Mallory, great update as always

Posted by: flotsky at September 06, 2005 08:16 PM (6T2ID)

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It's been three long weeks. 21 agonizing days. A fortnight-and-a-half. But now its done, and we are here to cover it. Lets get started with Istanbul's first ever F1 UPDATE!

*TURKEY DAY: You gotta hand it to the guys in the funny hats, they've turned out a classic track already. If you took out the fiddlybits at the very end and replaced them with a hairpin, say, you'd have a contender for the title of "The Perfect Track." However, everything up to those fiddlybits is just right, and "The Quad," as turn 8 is already being named, is going to be one of those legendary turns, much like Variante Alta, The Senna Esses, Maggots/Becketts/Chapel, Lowes, or the granddaddy of them all (which we'll see next race), Parabolica. It's just that good. Bravo to the Autodrom!

*TEAM OF THE RACE: We suppose we have to give this to McLaren, but watching JP Montoya's struggles on the last couple of laps puts a bad taste in our mouths as we do so. A part of us (the feet and ankles) really wants to give this award to Red Bull, for getting both of their drivers in the points. Nobody wants to give it to Renault, who are clearly weaker than McLaren at this point... except their cars don't break unless you put them into the wall, unlike the MP40, which breaks if you sneeze on it.

*TEEM UV DA RAYCE: A new, special award, probably only given this one time. At one point, this team looked and felt like they were going to be able to give the Big Two headaches while they forced Ferrari to chew on clag. Now, however, Williams has completely fallen apart. Apparantly deciding to use the right-rear tires they were given at Indianapolis, both of their drivers had repeated blowouts, one of which almost bringing forth our earlier "Prediction Sure To Go Wrong," that of a car making the turn 8 blue kittylitter, at speed, maybe sideways. The only thing that prevented it was an asphalt access strip that cut thru the gravel. Throw in their disasterous falling out with BMW and other disasters, and suddenly Monte Carlo looks very very far back in the mirror.

*DRIVER OF THE RACE: Jensen Button, BAR-Honda. He started 14th. He ended up 5th. Just think what would have happened if he hadn't've pushed just a smidge too hard in The Quad, a place he predicted he'd have problems. Raikonnen, Alonso, Montoya and Fisichella had better cars, but nobody had a better race than Button. Sir Frank must be lovin' this...

*MOVE OF THE RACE: This is a first for F1 UPDATE!: we're giving the award to four drivers! Kimi, Fernando, The Pope, and Fisi win for their first lap of the race. Fisichella split Kimi and Alonso to take the lead, but all four of them stayed nigh on touching distance to each other for the rest of the lap, with attempted passes happening all over the track, culminating in Kimi managing to wrest the lead away on lap 2. Now THAT'S racing!

*MOOOOOOO-VE OF THE RACE: Oh, boy! We've got SO many to choose from, how can we pick just one? We've got Christian Klein showing us that yes, you can have a F1 car going sideways at 160mph while the tires keep spinning forward (and missing The Quad's blue kittylitter by mere inches), then set a F1 speed record for 'fastest car, backwards' at the end of it. We've got Takuma "Suicide" Sato's moving imitation of a chicane during Mark Webber's qualifying run. We've got Felipe Massa wanting to be in a Ferrari so badly that he threw his front wing at one. We've got Renault's crew telling Alonso to "save fuel," thereby letting Kimi run away. We've got The Pope giving himself a self-induced Jordan enema. We've got The Pope attempted murder of his refuling man by leaving before the tank was full. We've even got Kimi Raikkonen being caught by his wife with another lass, pre-race! But none of those compare to our actual winner: Mitchell Schumacher and his pointless attempt to block Mark Webber from passing him at turn 13. Not only did Webbo already have the pass made, not only did Webbo already have position of place on Die Weltmeister, but it wasn't even for a position; Webber was just trying to unlap himself! Still, Das Michael slammed the door on Webber... and Schumi got his hand caught in it as he did so. Both cars had to pit, Webber for a new nose, and Der FuhrerMichael for (essentially) a new car. [cue Basil Fawlty voice] Brilliant, simply brilliant!

*SELECTED DRIVER QUOTES:

"I don't know who she was, or how she got there!!! I mean... er... the team had a good plan set up, and I'm happy to have won." - Kimi Raikkonnen.

"Thanks for the points, JP!" - Fernando Alonso.

"Hey, if I'm past him, it's his job to avoid ME. And they really should get fuel riggers with smaller feet." - JP Montoya.

"I led once. It made me think of Australia... and what's with the friggin' fuel hose getting stuck AGAIN???" - Giancarlo Fisichella.

"We're almost as good as the two teams." - Jensen Button (note: real quote).

"I lost my engineer cap. I couldn't play trains today." - Jarno Trulli.

"Well, that was a pretty good result. But why didn't they call me David Coulthard's Chin yesterday?" - David Coulthard's Chin, catching our mistake from 24 hours ago.

"Wheeeeeeeeeee!" - Christian Klein.

"It was a mixed weekend for me." - Suicide Sato (note: real quote. Additional note: no, Taku, it was a lousy weekend for you.)

"Why is there a nose wing coming at my head?" - Rubens Barrichello

"Unfortunately that put me behind the Jordans and the Minardis." - Jacques Villeneuve, master of the understatement.

"All in all an unlucky day, which is a pity for the team because the pace was there ..." - Cora Schumacher's Husband. (note: real quote. Additional note: what pace was he referring to? Ralf's Toyota had all the pace of a salted slug)

"What a race! I had a lot of fun and I finished it quite easily. What can I say? I'm a happy chappy." - Robert Doorknob (note: we can't make that up)

"See? You don't need to practice to... um... have a really crappy race." - Narain Karthekain.

"mblembble grmbll mmrhpfh shlruhth" - Tiago Montiero (translation: "I can't talk, I've still got a chunk of Montoya's butt in my mouth.")

"Once upon a time, being able to say 'I'm qualifying after Michael Schumacher next race' really meant something." - Christijan Albers.

"Damn that Webber anyways!!! Doesn't he know who I am? I'll have him boiled in oil for not getting out of my way!" - Mitchell Schumacher.

"The first lap was good fun. Then it all went to hell." - Nick Heidfeld.

"I'm 12 years old, and I'm going to drive for Ferrari next year!" - Felipe Massa

"Tire. SchumacherAIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!. Tire. I'm getting drunk now." - Mark Webber.

All in all, an absolutly fantastic debut for the Turkish Grand Prix. But now we're bound for Italy, and Monza. Monaco may be the most famous, but if you ask us, Monza is THE quintessential track on the calendar. Its got everything a track needs: speed, technical aspects, a famous turn (the Parabolica), and the history. And it's next on the calendar, in just under 14 days. We'll see you then with another F1 UPDATE!

Posted by: Wonderduck at 04:32 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Barrichello out, Massa in at Ferrari in 2006!

More to follow...

update @451pm:

Obviously this is big in a number of ways. First and foremost, Rubens leaving Ferrari is giant... the man many believe is the 2nd best driver in F1 (behind Mitchell, or Kimi, or Alonso) is now a free agent. Of course, one would think that Ferrari cut him loose for a specific reason, namely that he's signed with another team for next year already. BAR-Honda is the org that's been bandied about recently in relation to Rubino, and after hunting the net high and low, I've found no reason to think otherwise.

Secondly, Massa going to Ferrari is a huge step up for the young Brazilian. Sauber is going to be a team in disarray next year, what with the flip to BMW as a factory team (yes, I know BMW is throwing it's full weight behind the team, and yes, I know that most of the Sauber people are staying with the team. Doesn't matter; drop a new head coach into a football team, and there's going to be friction), and Ferrari is... well, they're FERRARI. Like 'em or hate 'em, they're the 200 pound rottweiler straining at the end of a VERY rusty chain, and it's just a matter of time before that weak link snaps. Massa has driven for Ferrari before, having been their tester in 2001, so he knows the team culture. All of F1 UPDATE's little jokes about him being as dull as untoasted toast aside, Massa is a good-to-very good driver, if young. Stick him in a good car, or at least a better car, and he's a star in the making.

Third, assuming that Barrichello HAS signed with them, this puts BAR-Honda in the position of having to pick from, potentially, FOUR talented drivers for 2006... but having to wait until the end of the season to know just whom they CAN choose from! Lets assume for the moment that Rubens isn't signed, but both sides want the other... I think that's a fair assessment, no? Okay, then as things stand, they only have two drivers under contract for next year: the talented rookie Ant Davidson (who drove for Sato in... Malaysia, was it? Either Malaysia or Bahrain... it was a dreadfully hot day, and Sato had a case of the ick.), and F1 UPDATE's Actively Driving Hero, Takuma "Banzai" Sato. Rubens is up in the air. And nobody is farther up in the air (or up their own fundament, for that matter) than Jensen Button. Pretty decent list to select from, eh?

Which brings us to Williams, the next team to be affected by Felipe going to Ferrari. Assuming that Barrichello DOES go to BAR-Honda, and Sir Frank holds fast to his ultimatum ("You're MINE, Button."), Williams has three drivers for two seats: Button, Mark Webber, and Nick Heidfeld. Which brings us to the NEXT team to be affected, and brings us full circle...

Sauber. They just lost Felipe Massa, and they'll be in a transitional season (to say the least!) with new German overlords. Nick Heidfeld drove for Sauber from 2001-2003, is talented, and.. he's German himself. A pair of drivers like Heidfeld and Villeneuve (like him or not, he's experienced) would be perfect for a one-year "cutting of teeth" season for the new team.

Certainly there are other things that could shake out, of course. Jensen might somehow stay with BAR. Sato might sign with BMW (not holding my breath... he's either driving for BAR or he's not in F1 next year, I predict). Renault might boot Fisichella and make a run at Barrichello themselves... the possibilities are endless.

But I think this is a pretty fair estimation of how things'll shake out:

Ferrari: Schumacher, Massa
BAR-Honda: Barrichello, Sato
Williams: Button, Webber
BMW/Sauber: Heidfeld, Villeneuve.

Posted by: Wonderduck at 11:30 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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FINALLY. We here at F1 Update are going to, y'know, do our job and get YOU, the reader, our insights on the most recent race. So let's get on with it! It's F1 UPDATE TIME!!!

*UM... 'SILENCE' MEANS YOU DON'T TALK, GUYS.: Okay, they've shown they can be respectful to the passing of royalty (Monte Carlo), but the display shown at Silverstone was anything but respectful. Maybe you could have expected teams like Ferrari, Minardi and Toyota to have not 'gotten it,' since they aren't based in England, but for Jensen Button of all people to be SMILING during the so-called moment of silence was shocking. Kudos to the Jordan drivers, who honestly looked humble, but most of the visible team members were not paying attention to the ceremony for the fallen. Bad Karma, guys... it'll bite you soon.

*TEAM OF THE RACE: McLaren. First and third is a pretty good way to finish a race. What should be flat-out frightening for everybody on the grid is that it was Montoya who won it, with Raikonnen coming from wayyyyy down at the start to take the final podium position handily. Throw in the performance of the guys in the pits, and you've got the makings of a full-team juggernaut.

*MOVE OF THE RACE: McLaren Pit Crew. All day, they got Juan Pablo Montoya out of the pits fast enough to allow him to rejoin the fray ahead of Fernando Alonso. A perfect example of this is the sequence on laps 22 and 23. Montoya comes in and rejoins in 3rd. Alonso pits from 2nd on 23, and when he comes out, Montoya JUST beats him into the turn complex off pit lane. The same thing happened at laps 44/49, but even closer. Montoya drove the wheels off his car, but it was the pit lane gang that won this one for him.

*MOOOO-VE OF THE RACE: Celebrating the most bovine performance of the skirmish, this race winner is Renault's Giancarlo Fisichella. Fighting for a podium spot, he comes into the pits on Lap 46 from 3rd. Renault's pit crew does a neat job of getting him fueled fast enough to allow him to rejoin the race BEFORE Kimi Raikonnen comes around... except that Fisi does something fishy and STALLS HIS CAR FOR THE SECOND RACE IN A ROW. Flavor Flav(io) looked like he was chewing on his own kidney, and one expects that Giancarlo isn't going to be able to sit down for a few days after the a**chewing he was about to get. Honorable mention goes to Takuma Sato. Yes, again. This time he didn't even make it to the grid before he started campaigning for the award. Approaching the lineup for the lights, he pressed the wrong button on the BAR-Honda's steering wheel and stalled out. He eventually ended up 16th.

QUOTES OF THE RACE:
"It's the car, stupid." - JP Montoya.
"I still have a big lead, so what if I took second?" - Fernando Alonso.
"I should get bonus points for fast lap, like the guys in GP2 get." - Kimi Raikonnen.
"Ow! I don't think Flavio needed to use that starter cart on my butt, that was rude." - Giancarlo Fisichella.
"We can't expect anything more from the car at this moment." - Jensen Button (note: real quote)
"Shut up, *#$&@^^#**" - The staff of F1 Update.
"Will someone PLEASE get Trulli to take off that STUPID engineer's cap?" - Michael Schumacher.
"I don't think I could have done much better. Get me another damn beer. *hic*" - Rubens Barrichello. (note: part of this is a real quote)
"Jarno says I can be the coal shoveler! Cool!" - Ralf Schumacher.
"Wooo-wooooooooo! Chuggachuggachuggachuggachugga..." - Jarno Trulli.
"When I was alone on the track, the car was very good." - Felipe Massa (note: real quote) (yeah, but that's why it's called a race, Felipe ol' chumly.)
"'Dark Horse for constructor of the year,' that's what F1 Update called us. Yeah. Pull the other one, mate." - Mark Webber.
"Scheisse." - Nick Heidfeld.
"I hope that was, at the very least, entertaining for the crowds." - David Coulthard's Chin. (good man, that DC's Chin...)
"Unfortunately, I screwed up the first pit stop. I was looking for the lollypop, and I got distracted by something out of the corner of my eye. I thought it was the lollypop, so I started to go, and I ran over one of the pit crew's foot. Hey, look, something bright and sparkly!!! Oooooh, prettttttyyyyyyyyyyyyy..." - Jacques Villeneuve. (yep, real quote.)
"Fifthteenth is very disappointing." - Christian Klein. (I can't make these things up.)
"Baka! BAKA! Where's my wakazashi? Seppuku on the rear wing, 10 pm... it'll be Sato sushi..." - Takuma Sato.
"Halfway through the race, I was told that Sato was still behind me!" - Tiago Montiero (ow, that's gotta hurt)
"I'm quite happy with the result." - Christijan Albers. (Minardi, what can you do?)
"I wasn't last." - Patrick Friesacher. (Minardi takes their victories where they can...)
"Don't tell Sato I've got his sword... I need it." - Narain Karthekeyan.
"Believe me, I could have done everything Montiero did, at least." - Danica Patrick.

So, that's it for another edition of F1 UPDATE. Next race, Hockenheim! However, F1 UPDATE may not be able to actually DO an update that week, as we'll be in Chicago from the 24th thru the 29th, undergoing rigerous training. Or something like that. But keep your eyes glued to the monitor between now and then!

Posted by: Wonderduck at 04:41 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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