June 25, 2006

F1 UPDATE!: Canada

Finally, a tense race that actually held the attention! That was the Canadian Grand Prix, and THIS... is F1 UPDATE!

*A TIRE-D TALE: So they always say that the tires on a F1 car are amazing technological marvels that change every race, that mean the difference between winning and losing. But every year, you get a race where the tire manufacturers just pee it down their fireproof suit. Last year, obviously, it was the US Grand Prix. This year, the Canadian GP seems to be that race. We here at F1 UPDATE! have never seen so much rubber lying around a course as we did today. Marbles everywhere, to the point that it was obviously dangerous to leave the racing line. Witness the end of Jack Newtown's day: forced to swoop around Ralf's laboring Toyota, he got into the marbles and wound up trying to wedge his car between two pieces of concrete wall. Or Kimi Raikkonen fishtailing out of 2nd place in the slowest corner of the track. Or, well, Ralf Schumacher, in a car that Toyota just could not dial in because the rear tires couldn't grip superglue, let alone asphalt...

*WALL OF CHAMPIONS GOT ONE: and almost a second. JP Montoya left his right rear suspension in Montreal, stuck into the wall of fame. Michael Schumacher ALMOST came a cropper in the same place, whitewalling both rightside tires, but somehow keeping them both attached to the car. Another atom or two more to the right...

*TEAM OF THE RACE: Renault. The past two years, Renault hasn't managed to finish this race with either of their cars. This year, they win and finish fourth. Nicely done, boys. An unofficial tip o' the cap to Michelin for their 100th F1 win, too.

*DRIVER OF THE RACE: We are proud to give this award to David Coulthard's Chin. Starting from the back of the grid due to an engine change, The Chin managed to finish in the points AND be stylish doing so (see below). Honorable Mention to Fernando Alonso for his dominating win.

*MOVE OF THE RACE: David Coulthard's Chin, for his late-race pass of Jensen Button, catching him after a mistake and pushing by in a difficult place on the track, and making it look a LOT easier than it was. Honorable mention goes to Felipe Massa his pass of Jensen Button on lap 26. Just not Button's day.

*MOOOOOOO-OOVE OF THE RACE: Celebrating the mundane, the perverse, the amazingly BOVINE of the F1 world, the MOOOO-OVE is awarded to the worst or most comical manuever of the race. Today, we at F1 UPDATE! had a hard, hard decision. After long deliberations, multiple ballots, and not a little bit of blood, we give the prize to the two Midland MF1 drivers, Christijan Albers and Tiago Montierio, for managing to take themselves out of the race via collision... with each other! On the first lap! FOR THE SECOND TIME THIS YEAR! BRA-frickin'-VO! Honorable mention goes to Toyota and Ralf Schumacher, for their "let the kindergartners do the setup" approach to the race, resulting in five spins, laps that were slower than Super Aguri's, and at least one accident. Another Honorable Mention goes to the McLaren pitcrew. They coughed up a hairball on both JP Montoya AND Kimi Raikkonen. They just don't DO that...

*QUOTES OF THE RACE: "Honk honk quack honk." - Fernando Alonso (note: at least, we THINK that was a Canadian Goose he was imitating during his victory pose...)

"THIS is how a World Champion acts? Oy." - Michael Schumacher.

"It was a di... oh, damn, not again." - Giancarlo Fisichella, jumping the start of his interview

"mmmrmbml marbles mrmoepmmlbl mmrmembbaleb." - Kimi Raikkonen.

"How do I take a drivethrough penalty during an interview?" - Fisichella again.

"I'm working on a moustache." - Felipe Massa.

"POINTS! POINTS! Woooooooo-wooooooooo! Chuggachuggachugga..." - Jarno (the Engineer) Trulli.

"How I got this high after the quals I had, I have no idea." - Nick Heidfeld.

"Well. That wasn't pants. Want my autograph?" - David Coulthard's Chin.

"Well, I had an understeer, no grip, and a lack of traction. Other than that, my car was great. *pause* No, it sucked. So did I. I'm never going to win anything other than a whining contest." - Jensen Button.

"If I look at the data and see that Tonio's engine is five degrees cooler than mine, heads will roll." - American Scott Speed (note: real quote, from a pre-race radio call)

"Oh, was I on-track today? I didn't notice." - Christian Klein (note: neither did we, Christian, neither did we.)

"Hi, I'm Mark Webber. Hello? Is anybody out there? Hello?" - Mark Webber.

"It was a sh*t result as it had looked better at the start. But my engine was five degrees cooler than Speed's. Ha-ha." - Vitantonio Liuzzi (note: the first part, real quote. Second part, not so much)

"So... how about that first lap, huh? Um... Christijan? Put down the axe." - Tiago Montiero.

"I STILL haven't taken anybody out. You DO realize that, right?" - Takuma Sato.


"Right. Who let the kindergartners set up my car?" - Ralf Schumacher.

"First I get run over by Rosberg, then I get run over by the Wall of Champions. Not a good day." - JP Montoya.

"*sob* BEER. *sob*" - Rubens Barrichello.

"*foom* AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" - Franck Montagnie.

"I choose an outside line and left enough room for him to come inside me into the chicane..." - Nico Rosberg, lying thru his teeth.


So that ends the the Canadian Grand Prix... next up? Wall-to-wall coverage of the US GRAND PRIX!!! Don't miss it!

Posted by: Wonderduck at 01:00 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 950 words, total size 6 kb.

1 Great race, tense all the way through. Ralf should have been black flagged about halfway through, he had no right staying out there as a moving chicane causing crashes.

And that Scott Speed quote was marvellous, heard that on the pit radio just before the off, had the commentary team on ITV laughing along with me.

Posted by: flotsky at June 25, 2006 07:50 PM (6T2ID)

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