March 12, 2010

F1 Practice: Bahrain 2010!

F1 is back, ladies and gentlemen, and today's practice sessions have pointed out something I surely didn't expect: everything's changed, and nobody has a clue what the hell is going on.  It's just that simple... nobody knows which teams are fast, and even the fast teams are being looked at with raised eyebrows right now.

For example, the fast team for the second practice was Mercedes.  Nico Rosberg was fastest of all, and Slappy Schumacher was third, but both drivers had problems dealing with their cars.  In particular, Slappy spun repeatedly in the first session.  Still, they were able to squeeze fast laps out there.  But nobody knows what their fuel loads were... a heavy fuel load now could easily be worth five to 10 seconds a lap.

Lap times at Bahrain have gone through the roof.  Obviously a lot of that has to do with the new section, but when lap times have climbed from 1:30 to 1:56, it's not just because of the longer track.

One thing that we do know, however, is that the new teams are brutally, brutally slow.  Nico Rosberg's fast lap of the second session was 1:55.409.  Bruno Senna, turning the first ever laps for the HRT HRT, maxed out at 2:06.968.  That's right, 11.5 seconds slower.  The fastest of the newbies was Heikki Kovaleinninninnie's Lotus, at 2:00.873.  Six seconds faster than the HRT HRT, but over five seconds slower than the Merc.  Even Minardi was better than that, usually.

Another thing we've discovered today is that all that fuel weight is pure raw hell on the tires.  For this race, Bridgestone has brought the super-soft and medium compounds.  As has been the case in the past, the super-softs are only lasting for a few laps, except instead of "a few" meaning 10 or so, now "a few" means "two, maybe three" before they stop being tires and begin pretending to be wagon wheels.  "Sure," I hear you saying, "but that's the softys.  The mediums must be a lot more durable."  Yes, if you consider six or eight laps to be durable.  Of course a tire change pitstop is only going to take three seconds or so, and Red Bull is claiming that they've gotten it down to 1.8 seconds, but there's still the travel time down the pit lane.  If you have to make three or four stops... *shaking head*.  If Sauber is going to win races this year, this is how it's going to happen, because they are reportedly very easy on their tires... just as BrawnGP was last season.

Finally, it looks like Felipe Massa's recovery from the horrendous "spring upside the helmet" incident last season is complete... but Brazilian reporters are saying that he's seeming rather... tentative behind the wheel.  He isn't as fast as HWMNBN, to be sure.  Is that because of rust?  Or something deeper? 

So, the season is underway, and all is right with the world.  But who's driving?  Click "more" for your official F1 Update! driver list!



McLaren
1  Jenson Button.  Nickname: Champ.  Possessor of the worst facial hair in F1.
2  Lewis Hamilton  Nickname: None, really.  Useful driver.

Mercedes
3  Slappy Schumacher.  Nickname: The Evil One; Parky.  Arguably the best driver in F1 history, certainly the most successful, as much as it pains me to admit it. 
4  Nico Rosberg.  Nickname: Wonderboy.  Everybody says he's quick, but the car let him down.  Now he's got the car and a "teammate" with the ability to crush him like a grape.  Time to show what you can do, Nico.

Red Bull
5  Sebastian Vettel.  Nickname: Seb.  Has a habit of naming his cars.  Last year, his car was "Kate."  After Kate was ruined in a crash, the replacement earned the name "Kate's dirty sister."  This year?  "Luscious Liz."
6  Mark Webber.  Nickname: Webbo.  Aussie, won his first race last year, despite driving around with a hunk of titanium in his leg.  No titanium this time.

Ferrari
7  Felipe Massa.  Nickname: Phil; Lucky.  He's alive and racing again... what else is there to say?
8  HWMNBN.  Nickname:  Bastard; SOB; (censored).  Perhaps the best driver in F1 today... and a dick of the highest order.

Williams
9  Rubens Barrichello.  Nickname: Grandpa.  The one major record that Slappy doesn't hold is "Most race starts."  That number is currently 284 and counting, held by Rubens.  
10  Nico Hulkenberg.  Nickname: Bruce.  GP2 champion.  Quick... maybe.  We'll see.

Renault
11  Robert Kubica.  Nickname: TBA.  First Polish driver in F1 history.  Despite this, doesn't race in reverse.
12  Vitaly Petrov.  Nickname: Ivan.  First Russian driver in F1 history.  Between the two of them, I hearby declare Renault must be called "The Warsaw Pact."

Force India
14  Adrian Sutil.  Nickname: F'n.  Very talented driver in a lackluster car.
15  Vitantonio Liuzzi.  Nickname: Fashion Victim.  Not my favorite guy.

Toro Rosso
16  Sebastien Buemi.  Nickname: Boomer.  The other Sebastian.
17  Jaime Alguersuari.  Nickname: NKOTT.  Not so new anymore, though.

Lotus
18  Jarno Trulli.  Nickname: The Engineer.  Good qualifier, bad racer.
19  Heikki Kovaleinninninnie.  Nickname: He needs a nickname?  Cost McLaren a constructor's championship in 2008 because he was slow.  Now he's going to be in an awful car... you do the math.

HRT
20  Karun Chandhok.  Nickname: TBA.  Second Indian driver in F1 history, behind the legendary Narain Kittylitter.
21  Bruno Senna.  Nickname: Sacha; Not Ayrton; Dogcatcher.  GP2 star.

Sauber
22  Pedro de la Rosa.  Nickname: Pete Rose.  38 years old.  He's the third oldest driver on the grid.
23  Kamui Kobayashi.  Nickname: TBA.  He's a wildcard.  Look great in his handful of starts last year, but a couple of races does not a career make.  Might actually be Takuma "Suicide" Sato... hey, have you ever seen them together?  Lord knows they both take risks on the track.

Virgin
24  Timo Glock.  Nickname: Glockenspiel.  The favorite driver of Vaucaunson's Duck's wife.
25  Lucas di Grassi.  Nickname: TBA.  GP2 star.

Quals in the morning!

Posted by: Wonderduck at 08:55 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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1

If the tires are burning up as fast as you say, someone is going to push it, and try to get more laps out of their tires than they really should in order to minimize pit stops. They'll run on tires that aren't really gripping. The sandbox will only make that worse.

So I predict a lot of people losing it on turns and running off the track. I also predict a lot of spin-outs.

Posted by: Steven Den Beste at March 12, 2010 11:59 PM (+rSRq)

2 They've also reduced the dry-weather tires per car over the entire weekend to 11 sets.

Posted by: Ed Flinn at March 13, 2010 07:00 AM (Scyr+)

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