April 05, 2022

Hospital pt5: The One With All The Hoses.

The next day was relatively boring, all things considered... except I was told that lunchtime was going to be the last time I could eat or drink for 24 hours. "Okay," I said, "why?"  Tomorrow afternoon the doc you met the previous day is going to do cruel and unusual punishments to your forward naughty bits.

Suddenly all thoughts of what was happening on Law And Order Traffic Division" was totally gone from my brain, replaced by a panicked whining and scurrying rodent. What had been boring had changed to something bigger and more.  AREN'T I LUCKY?  Surprisingly, sleep came easily that night. Inflatable beds: ask for them by name!

The next morning was a thirsty one. No water for 20 hours can do that to a duck, but it's only uncomfortable. I could manage that easily... hey, where'd all these red flags come from?  Once the time came, the medicos slid me easily onto the gurney, thanks to a really slippery sheet that had been placed previously.  Clever. The gurney ride to the Operating Room was exciting... new pattern ceiling tiles!... but strangely nobody else seemed to share my energy for the topic. indeed, I suspect the OR Nurse was looking forward to handing me off to the anesthetic specialist, just to shut me up.  What can I say, I get chatty when I get nervous. 

In the pit lane... yes, the doctor actually called the waiting area for the OR the "pit lane", because of the individual stalls for patient gurneys... they had me sign a consent form. It was a little late for that, to be frank. Then came the moment of truth: the sleepymask was placed over my nose and mouth and I was told to count backwards from 100.  I was later informed that I made it all the way to 98 before the lights went out.

And they say that redheads need more knockout juice to work.

I woke up in the same pit stall some unknown amount of time later.  Well, "woke up" may be a little overstating things.  I was awake, but as has become normal for me and  the goodnight juice, I was really quite out of it. In fact, it took a good 36 hours for my right eye to be willing to stay open, a sure sign that I'm sleepy.  I checked something... yup, firehose stuck into my lil' ducky. I was then encouraged to give it a try.

Red. 100% firetruck red. If there was urine involved, it had been mugged and left for dead somewhere. Khorne would have been well pleased, for he cares not from where the blood flows, only that it does. Or he would have gone "Dude, ew, no." One of the two. I was actually glad to be groggy still, it probably kept me from freaking out.

Ah the innocence on display, where red was something to worry about.

This went on for a few surreal days until I got a visit from the hospital nutritionist. I explained my reluctance to eat much, he talked about what not to eat when you're on bloodthinners ("Kale. It's literally the worst thing possible. I've never actually MET someone who ate kale, but it's bad."), and what his plans were for the weekend: a race weekend for the FIA World Endurance Championship. Big hospital, small world. We talked a bit about that as you might imagine.

Finally came the day that the catheter was removed. "It won't hurt, just some tugging." They were right, but didn't mention how weird it would feel. "So how was that?"  Not bad, just... oh wait... crap! I thought I was about to wet the bed.

Instead, an inch-long thing came out. It was sort of pink and didn't seem to be moving. All I could say was "What the hell is that???" I'm sure my voice was strong and steady, firm without the slightest bit of hysterical gibberish.  

The response did nothing to shake me from my strong mental position: "It's a blood clot, just stuff in the tube. Nothing to worry about!" I gave them both a fisheyed stare for a bit and said "Did you ever see the original *Alien* film? Remember the chestburster bit?  After it popped out and hissed at everybody, it scrambled across the floor and into the walls. That's how that felt.  Without the pain and visible internal organs, though. I think."

The doc eventually came back in, told me everything went without a hitch. I was still in the anesthetic haze, so I may have spoken clearly. I also may have drooled all over myself. Not sure which.

Right. That hurdle passed, hooray!

And then what? Something very strange occurred, and it was nearly as bad as getting a blood clot in my leg.

Next Episode, more zombies!

Also next time, Hospital pt6, The Other One With All The Hoses.

Posted by: Wonderduck at 12:24 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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1 Oh wow so much nope. Hooray for the knockout gas, yeah?

Posted by: GreyDuck at April 06, 2022 08:12 AM (rKFiU)

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