August 21, 2005

F1 UPDATE: TURKEY!!!

It's been three long weeks. 21 agonizing days. A fortnight-and-a-half. But now its done, and we are here to cover it. Lets get started with Istanbul's first ever F1 UPDATE!

*TURKEY DAY: You gotta hand it to the guys in the funny hats, they've turned out a classic track already. If you took out the fiddlybits at the very end and replaced them with a hairpin, say, you'd have a contender for the title of "The Perfect Track." However, everything up to those fiddlybits is just right, and "The Quad," as turn 8 is already being named, is going to be one of those legendary turns, much like Variante Alta, The Senna Esses, Maggots/Becketts/Chapel, Lowes, or the granddaddy of them all (which we'll see next race), Parabolica. It's just that good. Bravo to the Autodrom!

*TEAM OF THE RACE: We suppose we have to give this to McLaren, but watching JP Montoya's struggles on the last couple of laps puts a bad taste in our mouths as we do so. A part of us (the feet and ankles) really wants to give this award to Red Bull, for getting both of their drivers in the points. Nobody wants to give it to Renault, who are clearly weaker than McLaren at this point... except their cars don't break unless you put them into the wall, unlike the MP40, which breaks if you sneeze on it.

*TEEM UV DA RAYCE: A new, special award, probably only given this one time. At one point, this team looked and felt like they were going to be able to give the Big Two headaches while they forced Ferrari to chew on clag. Now, however, Williams has completely fallen apart. Apparantly deciding to use the right-rear tires they were given at Indianapolis, both of their drivers had repeated blowouts, one of which almost bringing forth our earlier "Prediction Sure To Go Wrong," that of a car making the turn 8 blue kittylitter, at speed, maybe sideways. The only thing that prevented it was an asphalt access strip that cut thru the gravel. Throw in their disasterous falling out with BMW and other disasters, and suddenly Monte Carlo looks very very far back in the mirror.

*DRIVER OF THE RACE: Jensen Button, BAR-Honda. He started 14th. He ended up 5th. Just think what would have happened if he hadn't've pushed just a smidge too hard in The Quad, a place he predicted he'd have problems. Raikonnen, Alonso, Montoya and Fisichella had better cars, but nobody had a better race than Button. Sir Frank must be lovin' this...

*MOVE OF THE RACE: This is a first for F1 UPDATE!: we're giving the award to four drivers! Kimi, Fernando, The Pope, and Fisi win for their first lap of the race. Fisichella split Kimi and Alonso to take the lead, but all four of them stayed nigh on touching distance to each other for the rest of the lap, with attempted passes happening all over the track, culminating in Kimi managing to wrest the lead away on lap 2. Now THAT'S racing!

*MOOOOOOO-VE OF THE RACE: Oh, boy! We've got SO many to choose from, how can we pick just one? We've got Christian Klein showing us that yes, you can have a F1 car going sideways at 160mph while the tires keep spinning forward (and missing The Quad's blue kittylitter by mere inches), then set a F1 speed record for 'fastest car, backwards' at the end of it. We've got Takuma "Suicide" Sato's moving imitation of a chicane during Mark Webber's qualifying run. We've got Felipe Massa wanting to be in a Ferrari so badly that he threw his front wing at one. We've got Renault's crew telling Alonso to "save fuel," thereby letting Kimi run away. We've got The Pope giving himself a self-induced Jordan enema. We've got The Pope attempted murder of his refuling man by leaving before the tank was full. We've even got Kimi Raikkonen being caught by his wife with another lass, pre-race! But none of those compare to our actual winner: Mitchell Schumacher and his pointless attempt to block Mark Webber from passing him at turn 13. Not only did Webbo already have the pass made, not only did Webbo already have position of place on Die Weltmeister, but it wasn't even for a position; Webber was just trying to unlap himself! Still, Das Michael slammed the door on Webber... and Schumi got his hand caught in it as he did so. Both cars had to pit, Webber for a new nose, and Der FuhrerMichael for (essentially) a new car. [cue Basil Fawlty voice] Brilliant, simply brilliant!

*SELECTED DRIVER QUOTES:

"I don't know who she was, or how she got there!!! I mean... er... the team had a good plan set up, and I'm happy to have won." - Kimi Raikkonnen.

"Thanks for the points, JP!" - Fernando Alonso.

"Hey, if I'm past him, it's his job to avoid ME. And they really should get fuel riggers with smaller feet." - JP Montoya.

"I led once. It made me think of Australia... and what's with the friggin' fuel hose getting stuck AGAIN???" - Giancarlo Fisichella.

"We're almost as good as the two teams." - Jensen Button (note: real quote).

"I lost my engineer cap. I couldn't play trains today." - Jarno Trulli.

"Well, that was a pretty good result. But why didn't they call me David Coulthard's Chin yesterday?" - David Coulthard's Chin, catching our mistake from 24 hours ago.

"Wheeeeeeeeeee!" - Christian Klein.

"It was a mixed weekend for me." - Suicide Sato (note: real quote. Additional note: no, Taku, it was a lousy weekend for you.)

"Why is there a nose wing coming at my head?" - Rubens Barrichello

"Unfortunately that put me behind the Jordans and the Minardis." - Jacques Villeneuve, master of the understatement.

"All in all an unlucky day, which is a pity for the team because the pace was there ..." - Cora Schumacher's Husband. (note: real quote. Additional note: what pace was he referring to? Ralf's Toyota had all the pace of a salted slug)

"What a race! I had a lot of fun and I finished it quite easily. What can I say? I'm a happy chappy." - Robert Doorknob (note: we can't make that up)

"See? You don't need to practice to... um... have a really crappy race." - Narain Karthekain.

"mblembble grmbll mmrhpfh shlruhth" - Tiago Montiero (translation: "I can't talk, I've still got a chunk of Montoya's butt in my mouth.")

"Once upon a time, being able to say 'I'm qualifying after Michael Schumacher next race' really meant something." - Christijan Albers.

"Damn that Webber anyways!!! Doesn't he know who I am? I'll have him boiled in oil for not getting out of my way!" - Mitchell Schumacher.

"The first lap was good fun. Then it all went to hell." - Nick Heidfeld.

"I'm 12 years old, and I'm going to drive for Ferrari next year!" - Felipe Massa

"Tire. SchumacherAIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!. Tire. I'm getting drunk now." - Mark Webber.

All in all, an absolutly fantastic debut for the Turkish Grand Prix. But now we're bound for Italy, and Monza. Monaco may be the most famous, but if you ask us, Monza is THE quintessential track on the calendar. Its got everything a track needs: speed, technical aspects, a famous turn (the Parabolica), and the history. And it's next on the calendar, in just under 14 days. We'll see you then with another F1 UPDATE!

Posted by: Wonderduck at 04:32 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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1 Great F1 Update as always!!! Glad you even updated that "dodgy" thing that Hobbs hinted at.

I loved the track, too. It was pretty, roomy, and will probably look spectacular next year once they get the landscaping in. And how can you not love a track that looks like a shopping mall? (I'm going to run into Macys and will be right back.)

The race had its share of boneheaded moments and I was sorry to hear that Sato is more or less on the bubble.

Can't wait for Monza!

Posted by: Mallory at August 22, 2005 12:07 AM (M7kiy)

2 I only wish he WAS still on the bubble. I suspect it would take a major miracle for him to return to BAR.

Nobody is more unhappy about this than myself, save for Suicide himself.

Posted by: Wonderduck at August 22, 2005 04:48 AM (+rGmJ)

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