Stomp.  Stomp.  Squish.

THIS is your F1 Update! for the 2009 British Grand Prix!

*GODZILLA:  Maybe it was the cool asphalt making the Red Bull's tires last longer.  Maybe it was the cool asphalt making it harder for the Brawns to get their tires up to temperature.  Maybe it was the aero improvements to the RB5.  Whatever it was, from the second the lights went out this race belonged to Seb Vettel.  Every lap for the first 20 he added a second to his lead over second-place Rubens Barrichello, and when he finally swung in for his first pitstop he rejoined the race in the lead.  Vettel relinquished that lead for a total of three laps as the second round of stops happened, but even then it was to teammate Mark Webber.  At the end of the massacre, he was 15 seconds clear of Webber, 41 ahead of Barrichello.  We've seen some dominant performances this year, but nothing quite as like this.

*GODZOOKY:  In contrast, last year's polesitter Heikki Kovaleinninninnie was involved in an accident and World Champion Lewis Hamilton finished a resounding 16th.  Oh how McLaren has fallen... you know it's bad when there are banners in the British stands suggesting that the team junk the car and start over.  Meanwhile, the current points leader, Jenson Button, could do no better than sixth in his Brawn.  Not the way the partisan crowd wanted to see this one come out.

*DRIVER OF THE RACE:  At the age of 21, Seb Vettel is the youngest driver ever to win the British Grand Prix, and he did it while taking pole, setting fast lap of the race, and leading 57 out of 60 laps.  He also cured cancer, brought about world peace, and saved three kittens from a tree near Woodcote.  A honorable mention goes to Giancarlo Fisichella who brought his Farce India home in 10th place, and had a halfway decent shot at earning the team's first points going into the final batch of pitstops.

*TEAM OF THE RACE:  A Red Bull 1-2, and it didn't seem like a fluke that they were 26 seconds up on the closest opposition.  Even when their cars were on hard tires and dialing back the engine revs, they were still faster than the fastest cars behind them.  Truly dominating, and maybe (maybe) a threat to the Brawns in the future.

*MOVE OF THE RACE:  On lap 2, Grizzly Nick Heidfeld and HWMNBN were having a knockdown, dragout fight for 13th.  Some 10 carlengths behind was Giancarlo Fisichella's Farce India, near enough to be "in contact", but not so close as to be a threat.  As the BMW and the Renault bobbed and weaved, they entered Stowe.  Inexplicably, both of them completely blew their braking points and ran wide.  Meanwhile, Fisichella calmly zipped underneath them both, looking for all the while like he had a jet engine in the back of his car.  It was a beautiful job of taking advantage of your opponent's mistakes, and a glorious selection for the MotR.

*MOOOOOOO-OOOVE OF THE RACE: On Lap 34, McLaren's Heikki Kovaleininninninnie came out of the pits, slow and heavy with fuel.  Closing on him quickly came Toro Rosso's SeaBass, while just ahead was the backmarker Lewis Hamilton.  Heikki, thinking the Toro Rosso was one of the leaders, moved into the middle of the track in the run to Vale, leaving plenty of room for SeaBass to get by, either on the inside or the out.  SeaBass swerved inside, outside, then inside again, for no reason that any sane human being could possibly fathom, and...

...a broken nose for SeaBass, a broken rear for Kovaleinninninnie, and a load of debris all over the track was the result.  Oh, and the Moooooooo-ooove for SeaBass, too. 

*DRIVER QUOTES OF THE RACE:

"I've won this grand prix and I'm very happy.  Woo.  Hoo." - Sebastian Vettel, showing that Teutonic happiness the Germans are famous for.

"I should have won this race for the home crowd.  After all, Brits are almost Australian.  Except for the general lack of beaches, sun, dental hygene and good food." - Mark Webber, proud Australian. 

"I'm happy to have taken some points out of Jenson's lead." - Rubens Barrichello, ever the good teammate (note: real quote.  Yes, seriously.)

"I almost feel like I won the race!" - Felipe Massa (note: real quote.  Little victories seem large when you're having the type of season Ferrari are, I suppose...)

"Once again, a middle-of-the-points result from the blandest team on the grid." - Nico Rosberg

"After winning six of the first seven races, I suppose I should be unhappy to finish sixth today.  Y'know what?  After last year, even sixth feels pretty good." - Jenson Button

"Not the best start to a race ever." - Jarno Trulli, who was a mobile chicane when the lights went out.

"mrmbmlbbbbl mrmblbblblbb rmrmrmmmrmmlm rrm.  mrmrlb." - Kimi Raikkonen

"I just discovered that my last name is the same as a gun manufacturer's.  Who knew?" - Timo Glock(enspiel)

"We'll be swiggin' the Kingfisher tonight!  Everybody parrrrrrrtay!" - Giancarlo Fisichella

"That result was not ideal for me. There weren’t any particular reasons for it" - Kazoo Nakajima (note: real quote.  Maybe because you're just not very good, Kaz?)

"I beat HWMNBN today... I'm sure he's going to kick my ass later.  I'm not supposed to do that." - Nelson Piquet Jr

"We've just figured out that the reason the car is doing so poorly is that Nick and I are too heavy.  So, starting tomorrow, I'll be cutting off parts of my body to make weight.  First to go is my nose." - Robert Kubica

"*cracking knuckles*  Nelsonnnnnn... oh, Nellllllsonnnnnnn..." - HWMNBN

"I was passed by a Farce India.  Well, at least it wasn't a McLaren.  That'd be too much to bear." - Grizzly Nick Heidfeld

"I couldn't even pull off a good donut after the race.  Strewth but this car sucks." - Lewis Hamilton

"Let's see... I run over Fisi's nose in practice, I crash in Q1 yesterday, my fuel pump died on the way to the grid today... I'd say 17th is about right, yeah." - Adrian Sutil

"I have nothing to add that is either relevant or true." - Sebastian Buemi

"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" - Heikki Kovaleinninninnie

"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" - SeaBass

So that's it for the British Grand Prix.  It's now time for F1's annual summer vacation, so we have to wait three stinkin' miserable weeks until the next race at The Nurb Jr.  Oh well, at least Top Gear's new season started today... that'll make it a bit easier to take.  See you then!

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