Good stuff today, so lets get to the crackin'!

*FELIPE MASTERS: Felipe Massa got the win today, but not without a lot of heat from Lewis Hamilton. The last two races have been runaways, but not this one, with the Ferrari being unable to pull away until after the final stint. Even then, the McLaren was able to hack away at the lead over the last few laps. This should be pretty tight all year.

*EVERYBODY LOVES A THREE-WAY: After today's results, we now have three people tied for the driver's championship lead; Fernando Alonso, Kimi Raikkonen and Lewis Hamilton all have 22 points. Remarkably, you would have to say that Hamilton has been the most consistent of all three, with two seconds and a third. Both Raikkonen and Alonso have wins, but they've also been all over the finishing grid. This is shaping up to be MUCH more interesting a battle than we've had the past few years, to say the least.

*RED BULL MAY GIVE YOU WINGS... ...but it sure didn't give their teams stability. None of the four cars running under the Red Bull banner finished the race: American Speed was out after three turns, Liuzzi some laps later, The Chin had a hydraulic fire around lap 30, and Mark Webber had a jammed fuel door that so badly ruined the aerodynamics of his car that the t-wing ripped off, which looked like it damaged the rear of his RB3. Bad news all around.

*DRIVER OF THE RACE: We here at F1 UPDATE! really want to bend the unwritten rules and give this to David Coulthard's Chin. He started from the last row of the grid, and when his car gave out, was up to seventh or eighth... and it wasn't a fuel strategy thing, it was outdriving the others. However, the unwritten rules state that the DotR has to go to someone that actually finishes the race. So, instead, we'll give the award to Grizzly Nick Heidfeld for his 4th place finish (which included passing Fernando Alonso). Dr. Mario Theissen had a huge grin on his face after that one...

*TEAM OF THE RACE: Ferrari gets the award for finishing 1st/3rd, but we're not excited about it. There just really isn't any other team that deserves it, to be honest.

*MOVE OF THE RACE: On lap 31, Nick Heidfeld, who'd been dogging Fernando Alonso for a few laps, made a seemingly doomed move to the outside of the McLaren into a turn. Somehow, Grizzly Nick kept his BMW glued to the track, and just forced Alonso to make a decision: either relinquish the place, or wreck both cars. 'Nando gave up, and Heidfeld would finish ahead of Alonso when the checkered flag flew. Honorable mention goes to Giancarlo Fisichella's pass of Rubens Barrichello around lap 21 where he started outside in a turn, but tightened up and passed the Honda to the inside.

*MOOOOO-OVE OF THE RACE: All F1 drivers have their 'duh' moments, and the MOOOOO-OVE celebrates the worst of them, performed on the largest stage in motor racing. Today's award goes to Anthony Davidson, for his lapse of concentration in the closing laps of the race. The Honda engine in his SuperAguri began to tear itself apart without immediately dying, but the thin blue oil smoke trail coming out showed that it was just a matter of time. Instead of pulling off the driving line, Ant continued driving as if nothing was wrong, laying down an oil slick that extended over half the track. To make matters worse, Lewis Hamilton was right behind Ant, and that may have prevented him from making more of his charge at Massa. Lovely job, Ant, here's your Mooooo-ove! Dishonorable mention goes to the engine staff at Honda, for deciding that an ounce of C4 is a good way of cooling their engines this week (three of the four Honda-driven cars this weekend had engine failures; Button during practice , Sato around lap 40 [with a huge plume of smoke], and Ant, as mentioned).

*QUOTES OF THE RACE: Before we get to the driver quotes, we must express our approval of Legendary Announce Team member David Hobbs' entreaty: "God love a duck."

"Will nobody rid me of this troublesome rookie?!?!" - Felipe Massa

"Hi, Felipe! Gosh, it's good to see you again! How does it feel to be behind me in points? Hi, Fernando! Wow, you look really tiny from up here on the podium!" - Lewis Hamilton

"Mbmmlmblm rmmblblmmbml rmmblpppth." - Kimi Raikkonnen

"How's this for an undriveable strategy, eh?" - Nick Heidfeld

"I don't get it... I'M supposed to be on the podium, not The Kid." - Fernando Alonso

"This has been a very positive weekend for me! I finished 6th in the race, and Nick is taking me out to dinner tonight... I'm so happy!!!" - Robert Kubica

"I'm dedicating these two points to my son, Enzo, who turns two today." - Jarno Trulli (note: real quote. Awwwwwww... he named his son Enzo... he'll be naming his second son Toyota next...)

"At least I got an honorable mention for Move of the Race. Think that'll appease Flavor Flav? No, I don't either..." - Giancarlo Fisichella

"hkkhmlh hmllkkh hnnnklnlln. Hnnlklvnk." - Heikki Koveleinaninininvenn

"I suck." - Nico (Ex-Wonderboy) Rosberg

"He does. WURZ SMASH!" - Man-mountain Wurz.

"I made my life hard all weekend." - Ralf Schumacher (note: real quote. Yeah, making $16 million/season to finish midpack is a difficult life, Ralfy)

"At least I finished the race. That's a triumph with this car. Beer. Now. NOW." - Rubens Barrichello

"I FINISHED THE RACE!!! WOOOOOOO!" - Christijan Albers

"SO DID I!!! WOOOOOOOO!" - Adrian Sutil

"Um.... oops?" - Ant Davidson

"Second time we've had the fuel door stick open. Bloody frustrating, that's what it is." - Mark Webber

"Pants. Just bloody pants." - David Coulthard's Chin

"At least I didn't squirt all over the track. That's something." - Takuma Sato

"I didn't hear that the Safety Car came out, because I was listening to my iPod. Got a problem with that?" - Vitantonio Liuzzi

"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" - Jensen Button and Scott Speed (note: in stereo)

So that's F1 UPDATE! for the Bahrainian GP. We'll be back in...

...How long? Are you kidding us? Who thought up that great schedule? For the luvva...

...it IS? Oh bloodyhell, why didn't you turn it OFF?

Heh heh. Sorry. We'll be back here in FOUR WEEKS! Until then, we're F1 UPDATE!, and you're our reason for existing!!! See ya then!

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