May 07, 2006

F1 UPDATE!: EUROPEAN GRAND PRIX.

We liked it better when it was the Grand Prix of Luxembourg, but the F1 UPDATE! crew welcomes you to the Nurburgring, a/k/a 'The Nurb', for the latest round of the World Championship!

*SILK PURSE: It was 30 years ago that Niki Lauda had his horrendous crash at the Old Nurburgring, resulting in him being pinned inside his burning car. If not for the heroic actions of four fellow drivers who stopped racing and rescued him, he surely would have died. As it was, he suffered severe burns. Ironically, Lauda had been trying to get the drivers to boycott the race, due to the danger the track posed, but was outvoted. As a memorial of sorts to the accident, Lauda, Darth Bernie, and some others went out to the place where the wreck happened. After a ceremonial drink, someone pulled a pig's ear out of the grass and said "Hey, Niki, we found your ear!" We here at F1 UPDATE! wince at that sort of cruel humor (mostly because we weren't asked to attend the ceremony), but the fact that Lauda enjoyed it makes it okay. A grand old chap... can we have him run the FIA, please?

*VILLENUEVE 'PENALIZED': Pre-race, Fisichella's whining managed to get Jack Newhouse wrist slapped. The FIA, in an attempt to get Fisi to just shut up, already, "penalized" Jack by taking away his three fastest qualifying times, dropping him down to 10th (from 9th) on the grid. This put him behind Mark Webber, who then took a 10-spot penalty for his engine change, putting Jacques back in 9th. Flavio Briatore was then summoned, handed a pacifier and a box of diapers, and told to change his driver's romper suit, as Giancarlo was being a big baby again.

*TEAM OF THE RACE: Ferrari. Now it's 1st-3rd and you gotta figure that they're really back, which makes this season REALLY interesting.

*DRIVER OF THE RACE: Because we don't want to give it to Slappy Schumacher twice in a row, we're instead going to give this race's award to his teammate Felipe Massa for his first ever podium. F1 UPDATE! was surprised to realize that little fact, and makes us repeat that Felipe Massa is the LUCKIEST BOY ALIVE!!! Honorable Mention goes to Nico (Wonderboy) Rosberg for his 7th place finish from dead last on the grid.

*MOVE OF THE RACE: A Midlands MF1 sighting! On lap 13, Christijan Albers came roaring up behind Takuma Sato's Super Aguri (please note: some slugs also can come roaring up behind a Super Aguri) heading into turn 1. Albers outbraked the Modern Day Kamikaze, elbowed him wide, and took the place. Sure, it was for 17th, but it was still a pretty sweet pass.

*MOOOOOOOOOOOO-OOVE OF THE RACE: For once, it was hard to come up with one this week. So hard, in fact, that we had to go all the way back to the first turn of the race, where we found Ralf Schumacher tagging Vitantonio Liuzzi, who then crunched David Coulthard's Chin. Liuzzi didn't make it past the end of the lap, The Chin made it to the pits only to drop out almost immediately afterwards. Nice job, Ralf: TWO Red Bulls at once!

*DRIVER QUOTES: "I'm baaaaaaack! Now you kids, get off my lawn!" - Michael Schumacher.

"I actually have nothing interesting to say." - Fernando Alonso.

"When I stand on the podium, I'm almost tall enough to get on a roller-coaster!" - Felipe Massa.

"mmmblmmer mrmmmrrmbmm mdmmrormms." - Kimi Raikkonnen.

"It's almost like I'm back in Ferrari again. *sob* Gimme another beer." - Rubens Barrichello.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! WAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" - Giancarlo Fisichella.

"Y'know, this F1 stuff can be pretty easy... when you're WONDERBOY!" - Nico Rosberg.

"Wow, my wrist still hurts from being slapped. *yawn* " - Jack Newhouse.

"Gee, my hair looks terrific." -Jarno Trulli.

"I made a super start and was able to make up four positions in the first corner. I then tried very hard but I couldn't keep up with the pace of the drivers in front of me. Because we're not very fast." - Nick Heidfeld (Note: real quote, except for the last sentence)

"I think our pace was even better today than at Imola. Which isn't saying much." - Scott Speed (Note: Also real quote, but not the last sentence)

"This is the kind of race I really enjoy. I also enjoy having flaming bamboo shoots shoved under my fingernails and boiling oil poured over my head." - Tiago Montiero.

"Toward the end of the race, however, I developed a mysterious vibration in the rear, so we'll have to analyse that. After I take it home to my girlfriend." - Christijan Albers. (Note: almost a real quote)

"Lump Go Boom." - Ralf Schumacher. (note: did anybody else notice smoke coming from Ralf's car on the recon lap?)

"Not a great afternoon for me, really." - JP Montoya. (note: real quote)

"It was a great race for me up until the last moment when I had to retire due to a hydraulic problem. Then it became a really lousy race." - Takuma Sato.

"No, look, you hold down THIS end and point THAT end towards... oh, just give it here." - Franck Montagny, discussing the finer points of fire extinguisher use with a track marshall.

"It was quite gusty out there today." - Jensen Button, reprising last year's 'wind' excuse from the Turkish GP.

"I retired from the race with a transmission problem. And I'm desperatly dull." - Christian Klein.

"You think Jensen Button has it hard? Try being an Australian and not winning." - Mark Webber. (note: real quote)

"Well, at least I had plenty of time to sign autographs today." - David Coulthard's Chin.

"What's Italian for 'oy?' " - Vitantonio Liuzzi.

And that wraps up our coverage of the Euro GP. Next week, we've got the Spanish Grand Prix... on CBS, god help us. Thanks for reading, everybody, and we'll see you next time here at F1 UPDATE!!!

Posted by: Wonderduck at 04:07 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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1 Good update! Not the most thrilling race, but as you suggest, one of the key things to take from here is that Ferrari (as opposed to Schumi) is back, properly. Which makes the prospect of the rest of the season more appealing.

Posted by: flotsky at May 07, 2006 07:43 PM (6T2ID)

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