It saddens our hearts to think that our readers have missed the F1 UPDATE! crew during the long, cold offseason. So much, in fact, that we're now back with the second part of our look at the personalities that make up the Rolling Asylum that is Formula One.

(cue 'Shipwrecked Guy')

"Its..." PART II: Everybody Else

Flavio Briatore. Nickname: Flavor Flav-io. Briatore is the Team Principal for Renault, which is similar in position to being the Manager of a baseball team. He even gets to wear the same sort of jumpsuit the driver does. This is not pleasant to look at. Secretly despises driver Giancarlo Fisichella, and spends long nights inventing new and creative ways to chew him out.

Jean Todt. Nickname: The Sweater. Team Principal for Ferrari, Todt has been called the architect of the Scuderia's success over the past decade. In actuality, the being we know as "Jean Todt" is being controlled by a alien symbiotic creature disguised as the Ferrari Red Sweater that Todt wears incessantly.

David Hobbs, Steve Matchett and Gary Varsha. Nickname: The Legendary Announce Team. SPEED Channel's announcers for F1 races combines a former driver (Hobbs), a former pit crew member (Matchett) and an announcer (Varsha). Without these three, F1 broadcasts in the United States would be much quieter.

Peter Windsor. Nickname: The Smarmy Guy. The self-proclaimed 'fourth member' of The Legendary Announce Team, Windsor hangs out at the tracks and tapes interviews with people, many of whom appear to have been shot with a tranquilzer gun. A former Team Principal for Williams, he appears to have recovered.

Hermann Tilke. Nickname: Picasso. Not much is known about Tilke, track designer for Formula 1. All of his tracks look and feel the same, no matter where they're located. Bahrain, Shanghai... same place.

Ron Dennis. Nickname: Ron Dennis. Team Principal for McLaren, winner of last year's award for 'Quote of the Year.' "In many ways I'm in awe of Flavio. I've never seen someone win so many races and know so little about a racing car, but it obviously works for him so why change it."

The Emperor Mosely and Darth Bernie. Nicknames: None. Dark Lords of Formula 1. Apparantly trying to destroy it from the inside. Beware the Dark Side of the Force.

F1 UPDATE!. Nickname: Us. No comment.

Zsolt Baumgartner. Nickname: Too many to mention. Avenging Spirit of all the drivers that have come before. Official Favorite Driver of The Pond. Has been spotted working at the Budapest McDonalds, holding a bake sale to help buy himself a seat for the 2005 season, and kidnapping himself for ransom.

Guido and Ethel Minardi. Nicknames: Guido, Ethel. Former owners of Team Minardi in the F1 UPDATE! world. Haven't been heard from or seen since they sold the team to the Crimson Heifers. Purported to be in Australia.

Mallory. Nicknames: Miss, Official First Reader. It's all her fault, blame her.

Flotsky. Nickname: Official Overseas Reader. Him too.

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