*DRIVER QUOTES OF THE RACE:

"Well, that was different. Except me on the podium, that is. That's still the same. Gee, where's Alonso?" - Lewis Hamilton

"I couldn't see Kimi during those last few laps, because my mirrors had steamed up. Don't ask what I was doing to make them steam up, please." - Heikki Kovaleininininnie

"mrmmgmrm mrmmrmmml cold mrmrlmlmrrmmlm wet mrbmlmblm mbmbl." - Kimi Raikkonen

"It’s a crazy thing to be a racing driver - on the one hand you’re scared, but on the other, you’re having the time of your life because every moment you’re right on the edge, even on the straights." - David Coulthard's Chin (note: real quote)

"For god's sake, I finished fifth today, and I wasn't ever on camera. Not even when I crossed the line. Everybody else got a camerashot. What's a guy gotta do?" - Giancarlo Fisichella

"I was told I was going to win the Championship. 'It is in the bag,' Todt said, 'no problem.' I'm holding my breath until I'm declared the champion. mmmmph!" - Felipe Massa

"I lost places at the start because my car ingested water into the air filter, and I had no power. The car also ingested water into the cockpit, struts, steering wheel, engine cover, rear wing, brake ducts, six-point harness, gearbox, and driver." - Robert Kubica

"It's great earning a point for Toro Rosso. Wait, what?" - Vitantonio Liuzzi (note: Liuzzi was docked a point for passing Adrian Sutil under the safety car... leading to...)

"I missed earning Spyker's first point by one place. We were SO close. Wait, what?" - Adrian Sutil

"Spyker. Now we're being beaten by Spyker." - Rubens Barrichello

"Y'know, the car was actually EASIER to drive without the front wing..." - Jenson Button (note: Immediately after the safety car left the track, he was involved in an incident that removed said wing. He then proceeded to drive for another five laps without it.)

"I think we also should think of the Japanese fans as they were watching right to the end when it was so cold and wet!" - Sakon Yamamoto (note: real quote)

"It was a very difficult race from the beginning. Even behind the safety car the conditions were really bad - there was a lot of spray and it was hard to see anything on the straight. Then when the safety car came in the race was very wet and visibility was really, really poor. I think it was a tough afternoon for everyone out there, very cold and wet, and obviously I am disappointed with this result. Safety car.” - Jarno Trulli (mostly real quote)

"Mommy." - Grizzly Nick Heidfeld (note: pulled off-track and parked the instant Lewis Hamilton took the checkers.)

"It was very cold in the cockpit. And wet. Don't forget wet. Did I mention it was wet? And cold. At least it put out the fire quickly. I would like to thank the fans who have supported us through such cold, wet weather. Safety car." - Takuma Sato

"I tried to retire, but they sent me back out. No, really, I tried to retire: my job at the Berlin McDonalds started the next day, and I had to grab a flight." - Ralf Schumacher

"“It was a very difficult day here in Fuji. Very wet and cold conditions made it very hard for all the drivers. And cold. Wet. Are you sensing a theme here?" - Ant Davidson

"Probably the worst conditions I have ever raced in, very wet and cold. I couldn’t see a thing, and the rain caused an electronics failure that made it impossible to for me to turn right. But, on the other hand, I won today's NASCAR event." - Nico Rosberg

“I made a good start and the race was going well. Then, with the final safety car, I was behind Lewis and Mark and exiting Turn 13, I looked to the right and saw Lewis going really slowly, I don't know why, but I thought he had a problem. Probably he was heating his brakes. Then, by the time I looked forward again, I was already in the back of Mark's car and I think he had also reacted to Lewis. I apologise now to Mark because I ruined both our races. Now I'm going to go kill myself." - Sebastian Vettel (note: mostly real quote)

“That was a completely disastrous finish. Vettel... ...did a very good job of hitting me very hard under the second safety car. I think today he will have learnt a very valuable lesson.” - Mark Webber (note: real quote. We here at F1 UPDATE! know we saw a slightly less printable quote immediately after the race, something about "f#%&ing rookies..." If you saw that quote, please let us know in the comments. It was brilliant, and now it seems to have been scrubbed from the 'net.)

"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" - Fernando Alonso

"It was very bad out there today. The only way I can describe it is if you close your eyes and run through your house at high speed - then you have some idea of how it was.” - Man-mountain Wurz (note: real quote)

So, that ends this cold, wet episode of F1 UPDATE!. Next week, we'll have coverage of the Chinese Grand Prix... with special guest commentary from Vaucaunson's Duck!

So stay tuned!

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