Rio Rainbow Gate! ep08

I so very much want to inflict grievous bodily harm on the production staff of Rio Rainbow Gate! right now.  As I said at the end of Ep07's recap, "...I have this sinking feeling that Rina is going to have a heel turn in Ep08..."  Now, I am many things, but one that I am not is a plot prognosticator.  Usually when I take a guess about how a show is going to go, I'm about as far off as chalk and cheese.  Because of that, trying to figure out plotlines ahead of time is usually an exercise in futility, one that I avoid doing whenever possible.  Yet this stupid brainless pile of drek called RRG! has gotten me so involved that I not only made predictions, but I put them in print to boot.  It's one thing to get hooked on something good; having it happen watching a series that has all the depth of a playing card is just embarrassing.  So, grievous bodily harm it is!  There's quite a wide range of injuries one can inflict with just a playing card, you know.  Anything from a simple papercut, preferably with an application of lemon juice afterwards,  to ocular exenteration, preferably with an application of lemon juice afterward... the sky's the limit. 

And speaking of the sky:

We pick up right where we left off in Episode 07, with Rina bolted down to a roulette table and Rio about to go into her third Gate Battle of the day.  This one will be against evil Cartia's "King Strong Arm".  And what, might I ask, will be the game to be played this time?  I mean, considering some of the matches we've had in the past, I expect it to be something like a wrestling match between Rio and a remote-controlled bear in a swimming pool full of tapioca pudding and deadly holographic space cuttlefish.

Or a coin flip followed by a guess of which which hand the coin is in.  The stipulations are simple: King will flip it, grab it between his hands, then separate them.  At that point, Rio will make her choice.  Of course, it wouldn't be RRG! without there being something stupid involved, and that's certainly the case here.  Y'see, King Strong Arm isn't called King Strong Arm for nothing; he's got a strong arm.  In fact, he's so strong that he can crush a coin to powder in his clenched fist, which he does.  Voila, no coin (which looks like a euro, for you budding numismaticists out there) and no chance for Rio to win!

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Rio Rainbow Gate! ep07

Ladies and gentlemen, I have some disturbing news.  It has come to my attention that the anime known as Rio Rainbow Gate!, which we expected to be nothing more than a stupid fanservice vehicle, has instead been attempting to grow a plot.  While hard to believe, I'm afraid that it is also... true.  All attempts to prevent such a catastrophe from occurring have failed.  We have failed.  There is still some hope, however.  The plot, such as it is, is still small and weak, and there is every chance that it will die before it gets too much momentum.  However, for this episode at least, we must proceed with caution.

And then you're reminded that you're watching a show currently taking place in a Sky Resort flying 3000m above the surface of the earth, and suddenly threats like "a plot" don't seem so worrisome anymore.  In fact, today's episode of RRG! is taking place only two hours after the last one.  The evil Cartia is throwing another Gate Battle at Rio, something totally unprecedented in the realm of casino history.  Unsurprisingly, Rio is already exhausted from her fight with Mighty Jack, and is taking a nap in her room.  When she wakes, she has a surprise waiting for her...
 
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Rio Rainbow Gate! ep06

The most important thing to take from this episode of Rio Rainbow Gate! is that the shrimp costume has returned, and with a vengeance!

Afro Samurai there on the right is the unluckiest man on the face of the earth.  He's playing Rock-Paper-Scissors with Anya, and has just lost to someone who can only do "scissors".  He's also the stupidest person on the Sky Resort.

Ah yes, the Sky Resort, the flying hotel-cum-water park that was introduced last episode.  We learn that its cruising altitude is 4000 meters, and that there are open-air pavillions where people can stroll around.  At 4000 meters, or 13123 feet.  Now, I've been to Salt Lake City, which is 4226 feet above sea level, and I can attest that there ain't no air there.  Altitude sickness can begin to occur at 2400 meters.  And the Howard Resort is letting their guests walk around outside and unprotected at 4000 meters?  Of course, they do let employees wear friggin' shrimp costumes, so I suppose I shouldn't be surprised.

Anyway, Rio's been challenged to another Gate Battle.  Wow, what are the odds of that happening, huh?  Go figure!

...and there's her challenger.  Jack Mighty is his name, and he's the latest in a long family line of Bomb Disposal men.  As a result, he has telekinesis (don't think about it too hard; in RRG! it doesn't pay to think about anything).  It turns out that he didn't want to do bomb disposal work and ran away from home... at which point, he was picked up off the streets by...

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Rio Rainbow Gate! ep05

To be honest with you, I'm a little disgusted with myself right now.  While watching this week's episode of Rio Rainbow Gate!, I came to the startling realization that I'm actually enjoying this startlingly bad piece of drek.  Now, I've never been an anime snob.  I understand that not every show can be true works of art, and that there's a place for those shows that don't have a huge budget or deep characterization or engrossing plot. I'd like to think, however, that when a series is as lousy as this one, I would know enough to point at it and laugh, then consign it to the rubbish heap of history, never to blight my hard-drive again.  So why in Miyazaki's Name do I keep coming back to RRG!, and worse still, look forward to it?

I don't have a problem.  I can stop whenever I want.  Why are you looking at me like that?

This week, Rio has a meeting with The Owner but forgot to get her uniform from the cleaners (she only has one?).  Not wanting to be late, she grabs the outfit nearest to hand...

See, this screencap is RRG! in a nutshell.  Why in the name of all that's holy was a shrimp costume the only piece of clothing Rio had to wear?  And why is it that the other two look so resigned to the fact that Rio is wearing a shrimp costume?  Just what in the world goes on between episodes?  "Oh no, she's got the shrimp costume again... just don't make eye contact and everything will be okay.  It's just a phase..."  Truth be told, that's an episode of RRG! that I really want to watch.  Maybe it'll be an OVA or something, perhaps an omake on the Blu-Rays... and if that last sentence fragment didn't make your blood run cold, nothing will.  Most of Miyazaki's movies aren't available on Blu-Ray without ordering from Japan.  Neither is Ghost in the Shell: Standalone Complex.  Azumanga Daioh?  Nope. Bakemonogatari?  No.  Black Lagoon?  Not in the least.  But RRG! will surely have a BD release, and probably sell well, tanjdammit.

*ahem*

Sorry, where was I?  Oh, yes, the meeting.  Turns out that The Owner is about to open a new casino on his Casino Island, something called the 'Sky Resort.'  He assigns Rio and her harem to work the grand opening... they're to meet with someone named Linda to get used to the place.

This is Linda... genki girl, distinctive costume, disheveled hair, heavily tanned... yep, she's a native island girl.  And head dealer at Sky Resort.  But she has a secret.

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Rio Rainbow Gate! ep04

After the cliffhanger ending of episode 03 of Rio Rainbow Gate!, when a potential rival for Our Heroine arrives on the scene dressed as a chicken-wing delivery girl, I had a horrible thought.  "Could RRG! be developing a plot?  Is this primordial ooze of a show evolving into primordial ooze with small vestigial flipper-like things that may in fact turn into a pair of arms sometime in the distant future?  And could these squishy proto-arms perhaps allow our primordial ooze to operate a word-processing program by flailing at the keyboard randomly until a sequence of words appears on the attached monitor, words that actually form coherent thoughts and plotpoints, thereby accidentally injecting some drama and conflict into our cheesecake?  Could this be happening?"

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Rio Rainbow Gate! Isn't Even Trying Anymore

Look, lord knows I didn't expect anything from Rio Rainbow Gate!.  If it was lucky, it would just be merely bad.  If it went like I expected, it'd be a massive trainwreck.  If we were truly lucky, it'd go off the rails in some Calvin and Hobbes-style calamity.

After watching episode 03 of Our Favorite Cardsharp Show, it has become painfully obvious that RRG! has just hit a penny on the rail... and we're all to be Farmer Brown.

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Rio Rainbow Gate! ep01

Okay, so production house Xebec decided to make an anime based on a character from a series of pachinko machines.  Well heck, I've heard of stupider ideas I suppose.  I think it's safe to assume that there was some financial assistance forthcoming from the makers of the machines, but if JAXA can sponsor an anime, why not?  The question is, was it money well spent?  Could we have a sleeper hit on our hands, despite the overwhelmingly negative reaction from the usual suspects?



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Ga-Rei Zero, Episode 12

Last episode, the Schoolgirl In Black took on The Agency... and won, killing KDad, The Boss, Motive Power Kiri, one of the Nabuus, the HMMWV and a gazillion grunts, turned Mr Laser Weasel into a bowl of pudding, and scarring Isayama along the way.  It looks bad for the Tokyo, and by extension the entire world.  But don't forget that the Schoolgirl in White, Kagura, has taken up the mantel of Byakuei's Master.  It's time for a showdown!

But first, it's time for some red-hot paperwork action!  Actually, Kagura returned to the office, only to find a note from Mr Laser Weasel.  We never get to see what it says, but "I quit" seems to be a good guess.  Maybe "I'm running in abject terror" would work, too.  Isayama, quite sensibly, says that it's better that way; no use in him getting killed because he can't actually bring himself to hurt his former fiancee.  What's left of the Disposal Team is going after the Schoolgirl In Black, even though she just kicked their butts all the way 'round Tokyo, across the Kanto plain and nearly to Hokkaido.

"Take me with you.  Take me...

...to Yomi."  Okay, now it's time for a showdown!

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Ga-Rei Zero, Episode 11

If my memory serves me correctly, last episode saw the show catch back up to Episode 02, and the Schoolgirl in Black (formerly known as Yomi) kill off half the cast.  Again.  However, she only got one member of the Disposal Team, Kazuki.  At the very end, Kagura's father (KDad) appeared in the nick of time, saving his daughter from joining the ranks of the corpses... and setting up a massive showdown between the two strongest Spirit Beasts, Ranguren and Byakuei.  So who's power reigns supreme?  We are set... let's get it on!

Cue two different staredowns and posturing.  Of course.  It's an anime fight scene, there has to be a staredown.

And if that wasn't enough, throw in some trash talking by the Schoolgirl in Black.  If I didn't know any better, I'd think this was a pro wrestling match.  Instead of, y'know, a fight that will likely end with the death of one of the two of them... and the destruction of half of the city of Tokyo.

Bang a gong, we are on! 

Ga-Rei Zero, Episode 11: The Awesoming!

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Ga-Rei Zero, Episode 10

In the last episode, Yomi turned into the Schoolgirl in Black after being abandoned by everybody close to her.  Of course, this was after she was turned into a pincushion by the Big Bad, who then healed and implanted a piece of the Death Stone into her.  Hell's comin' to breakfast, and it's hungry... so let's get cracking on Episode 10.

Tonight on CSI: Tokyo, Noriyuki appears to have shaken off his lethargy and angst (not that it was unwarranted) and is actively investigating at the site of Yomi's attack.

Yup, the old "stick in the hole" trick, so as to discover what direction the projectiles came from.  

Of course, they all came from the same direction... a source other than Yomi herself.  In Mr Laser Weasel's mind, this pretty much proves that she was attacked.  Putting away his camera, he mutters to himself, "I suppose she... got the point."

Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

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Ga-Rei Zero, Episode 09

When last we met, Mei was taken over by a piece of death stone and got all "gimme your stuff" to Yomi, who replied with a "Oh no you dint!" and stabbed her in the face.  Which brings us to Episode 09, also known as "the Episode where everything goes kablooey."

Okay, so Mei lived through having her own naginata shoved into her sinus cavity?  That's the only thing it could be... it's sure not like Yomi needed medical attention after the fight, after all.

All right, never mind then.  Excuse me, Ga-Rei Zero?  Could you explain just what the hell is going on here, please?

I'll take that as a big "no," then.  Thank you very much.

And just how did The Gang get here anyway?  If you're anything like me, and god help you if you are, you're scratching your head right about now.  C'mon, show, explain yourself!  I demand to know what's going on.

Y'know what?  Fine.  Be that way about it.

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Ga-Rei Zero, Episode 08

In the last episode of Ga-Rei Zero, Mei, who was dead (she got better) appears to have killed Yomi's Dad (YDad) while Yomi herself was off courtin' and sparkin' with Mr Laser Weasel.  Kagura went through a high-end bout of the weepies after killing the brainsucker-controlled school nurse, and her friends decided to beat on her a little bit to boot.  One gets the feeling that things are about to get out of control... so let us see how out of control they get in Episode 08!

We begin with a voiceover from the Schoolgirl in White.

"It was a scene I had seen before.  It was an evening hazed in heavy rain.

"Drowned in the sadness of losing someone important to her, and frightened by the fate that has befallen her.  Unable to do anything, able only to cry and bear the cold passing of time.

"That was me three years ago."

They just keep finding ways to surprise me.  I never would have expected such emotional insight from Ga-Rei Zero...

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Ga-Rei Zero, Episode 07

When last we left Ga-Rei Zero, the Big Bad (actually a small white-haired pretty boy) had skewered Mei on her own naginata, Kagura had just killed her friend the school nurse (who had been taken over by a brainsucker), and all is higgledy-piggledy.  What, pray tell, will the show that loves to kill its main characters off bring us in Episode 07?

Oh sure, rub it in, Ga-Rei Zero, rub it in.  You've offed one of the more interesting characters you've presented us with, and now you want to make it look all symbolic and stuff.  Nice, very nice.

Wait, what?  Mei's alive? Well that I didn't expect!  Okay, yeah, she's got Godzilla's Toothpick sticking out of where her heart should be, but...

Ah.  You know, I'm thinking that maybe this doesn't exactly fall into the category of "a good thing".

It does get your attention, though.

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Ga-Rei Zero, Episode 06

When last we watched Ga-Rei Zero, we got filler and lots of it.  In what may have been one of the greatest upsets of all time, what we didn't get was Pocky.  Chocolate-covered biscuit stick fans everywhere mourned.  Perhaps we will get Pocky and plot this episode?  One can only hope...

We open in that location of choice for wire-fu movies, a bamboo forest.  We don't usually get to see hordes of zombies swarming out of the forest, however.  Yeah, like Sammo Hung could deal with that!

Hung might not be able to, but sure as shootin' Kagura's father and Byakuei reckon they can.

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Ga-Rei Zero, Episode 05

Last time, Kagura's father saved the day, then smacked the crap out of his daughter for having a mental block about taking down human-based nasties.  What, then, does Episode 05 bring to us?

Yomi's dad calls her into his office... to give her a gift.  Y'know, right there's the difference between dads in this show: Yomi gets presents from hers, while Kagura's dad gives his daughter a scabbard across the back of the hands.  Anyway, the gift is one of his late wife's high-end kimonos.  After a few seconds of the Schoolgirl in Black making some of the most outrageous sounds ever heard outside of a bedroom, he brings up... Mr Laser Weasel himself, Noriyuki?  And if she still got along with him, and is she still okay with the arranged marriage?  Wait, the what now?  Turns out Noriyuki is the scion of another powerful family line of Exorcists, and yadda yadda stuff junk yadda. 

She gives a middlin'-long speech about how glad she is that he adopted her into the family, and because of that she's perfectly happy to still agree to the situation.  Well, whaddya know?



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Ga-Rei Zero, Episode 04

In the last episode, we jumped back in time three years to see how Kagura, the Schoolgirl in White, first met Yomi, the Schoolgirl in Black.  We discovered that Yomi wasn't always a bad guy bent on driving the animation company into bankruptcy by forcing them to hire new voice actors for each episode because she killed off the entire cast.  So what does Episode 04 bring us?

We start off exactly where the last episode left off, with Kagura getting into The Agency's HMMWV and the group running off to deal with a new threat.

It's not the entire team, though.  Mr Laser Weasel, Nabuu and Nabuu seem to already be on site, leaving Iwahata and Kazuki to pick up the girls.  Considering that Yomi appears to be The Agency's heavy-hitter, and they seem to expect great things from Kagura,  I'd've thought more of an honor guard (perhaps with bosun's whistles) would have been appropriate.  Maybe they don't stand on ceremony much.

An episode of Ga-Rei Zero wouldn't be complete without Pocky.  But, oh-oh, there's only one stick left!  Yomi snags it with a whimsical "first come, first served."  Coming between Kagura and her Pocky, however, can be a dangerous proposition:

Yomi, though, will not be denied her delicious chocolate-covered biscuit stick.


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Ga-Rei Zero, Episode 03

As you may remember, at the end of Episode 02 the Schoolgirl in Black, Yomi, seemed to have finished killing off Our (new) Heroes, including the Schoolgirl in White, her friend Kagura.  So just how in the world is Ga-Rei Zero going to continue?  Do we get another bunch of sacrificial heroes?  Nope. 

We get voiceovers:
Kagura: "On that day three years ago, I met someone important."

Yomi: "On that day three years ago, I met a girl lost in sadness."

The woman in the frame is Kagura's mom.  Yomi exorcised the nasty that killed her, while she died in her husband's arms.

Yomi: "That chance meeting was the destiny of two people who bear the burden of fate."
Both: "That is where it all began."

Flashback episode!

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Ga-Rei Zero, Episode 02

So Episode 01 of Ga-Rei Zero ended with every character we'd been introduced to, including the two apparent leads, turned into cold cuts at the hands sword of a schoolgirl dressed in a black seifuku.  How can Episode 02 top that?

Well, first it pees all over the dismembered corpses of Our (fallen) Heroes by bringing the recently defeated (via Holy Water-based Aerial Bombing) Category B monster back to life, and putting the few remaining grunts in mortal peril because of it.  As if their day wasn't going poorly enough!  They're outclassed and outnumbered by one monster, and Our (fallen) Heroes' success turns to ashes to boot. 

 ...and then the Category Cs come back, too.  At this point, you just know the grunts are saying "F*ck you, Ga-Rei Zero, just f*ck you."


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Ga-Rei Zero, Episode 01

I d/l'd this show from BakaBT during their recent freeleech event, knowing nothing about it except for two things: one, there are cute girls in it, and two, the series is a prequel to the manga Ga-Rei... which I have never read.  So, in other words, I didn't know anything about it.  But, hey, cute girls!

So these individuals (L to R: Kudou, Tooru, Masaki and Natsuki) are part of a "special action" team, devoted to taking down supernatural forces that threaten Japan (and by extension, the entire world).  They're aided in this task by...

Mami, who's the comms experts.  They're all highly skilled in their individual talents, and they need to be.  They're called out whenever a supernatural disaster is too much for the grunts of their organization to handle... which is what's occurring in episode 01.

The supernaturals are mostly invisible to normal people (even the grunts need technological help to see them), but the heroes can see them easily.  The specters above are "Category C"-level, which is somewhere just above cannonfodder, but there's a lot of 'em in this attack.  They almost overwhelm the grunts, but one squad holds the line and seems to end the disaster.

Until this guy shows up.  It's a "Category B", and it's WAAAAY over the paygrade of the grunts.  Oh, and then the specters regenerate.  The squad is mangled, but our heroes arrive just in time to save the day!

Natsuki's a talented motorcyclist, and her tires are studded with spiritually-charged runes.  Tooru is a sniper, firing rune-encrusted bullets.  He's also good at striking a dramatic pose, no?  He starts plinking away at the Cat B, and she goes to work on the specters...

...first by laying down a protective circle of rune-embossed rubber...

...then by getting a little more in their phantom faces, making her cycle dance on their heads.  While their efforts are quite impressive, and they don't seem to be in any danger, they're not really getting anything accomplished.  Too many baddies, too few heroes.  Until Kudou and Masaki arrive...

...flying a tilt-rotor airplane fire-tanker filled with spiritually-charged holy water!  No more specters!  Tah-dahhhhh!  The Cat B is weakened by this run, and Tooru drops it with a boom headshot.  But there's ANOTHER one.  Our Heroes, guided by Mami, set a trap for it in Tokyo's water supply reservoir system.  But how to get it there?

Oh.  Right.  Natsuki plays bait, the Cat B chases her like a big flaming armadillo, rolling like a ball at high speed down the Tokyo highways and byways.  Eventually they get into the reservoir system, Tooru hits the monster with a sniper rifle, and Kudou and Masaki release the water, passing it through a spiritual filter to turn it into holy water and killing the creature.

Wet and tired, Our Heroes relax with nice hot coffee and witty repartee.



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Ikkitousen Great Guardians OVA 6

As they say, all good things must come to an end.  Fortunately, all bad things come to an end as well... in this case, the Ikkitousen Great Guardians OVA series.  Unable to out-ecchi the previous Dragon Destiny series of OVAs, the animators went the silly and icky route last time... can they redeem themselves with one final flurry of fantastic fanservice?

And who is our final challenger in the "sexy cosplay battle?"


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